User “K. aka discord pls be nice to me#2781” on the Saezuru Discord server, asked me this LOVELY follow up question re: Yashiro’s Blind Heart, and lawd, no-one needs to ask me twice, I love talking about Saezuru.

A follow-up question, if you feel like answering: Do you think Yashiro will ever consciously go back to look for the contact case? I know you mentioned the two possibilities, but which do you find more likely? If the contact case represents yearning, possessiveness, and Yashiro’s feelings towards Kage have mellowed/dulled through the years, especially after he’d met Doumeki, do you think it’s more likely for him to actively search through his own drawer looking for it, or to by chance see the lens case somewhere Doumeki put it; or to notice it’s missing by chance, while, say, moving apartment? To me, Yashiro isn’t being proactive anymore, but just holding on to this keepsake somewhere in his drawer/the back of his mind, like he’s holding on to his love, or rather, idea of love for Kage.

To answer, I suspect he will have noticed it is missing after four years. As I wrote in About Yashiro’s Blind Heart, and in the original post About Kageyama’s Contact Lens Case, I can’t imagine he never looked in the drawer again. At the very least to replace his gun or when he moved out. Either of these are perfect setups for noticing its gone. Either way he has to have noticed its absence sometime after returning from the hospital.

And you’re right! Holding on to the contact lens case was for Yashiro an atrophied emotional state, masochistic emotional pleasure, and  a way of keeping Kage in a box, the way Kage put him in a box. It’s representative of not just his capacity to see and receive love, but also of his deep atrophy and apathetic approach to living. Neither Kageyama or Yashiro see each other, they’re both blind to each other in very significant ways throughout the story.

The thing is, the contact lens case isn’t even about Kage anymore. And this scene is what made me realise this:

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Kageyama and Yashiro, come to ‘a place’ in their relationship. It’s one that’s familial and comfortable. Plus, we see something HUGE, ENORMOUS FUCKING GROWTH in Yashiro, in just a few words.

“Why did you choose Kuga and not me?” Yashiro asks Kage.

Seven words, but they mean the world of emotional evolution for Yashiro. He may still be resisting Doumeki, but Doumeki has already demolished every wall he had… and here is the evidence. His willingness to ask Kageyama this question. Before Doumeki, Yashiro would NEVER have asked. He would have kept Kage in the neat box in which he had been in for twenty years. But Yashiro decides to take Kage out of the box, and directly ask a question he needs an answer to to move forward emotionally. It’s the final act in Yashiro letting Kageyama go. In this single moment, they finally really look at, and see each other. If not with crystal clarity, certainly the best view they’ve ever had.

And I am certain it’s because Doumeki stole the damn case (even though Yashiro probably doesn’t know that yet) and made love to him. He allowed Doumeki to see him, however briefly. And this is important closure for Yashiro. He is clearing his heart of the old, so the new can make a full appearance.

Because he’s emotionally let Kageyama go, the contact lens case is no longer about Kageyama and Yashiro. It will all be about the subtext in Yashiro and Doumeki’s relationship.

Doumeki’s ‘not being cute’ is something Yashiro won’t reckon with. He keeps making Doumeki seem stupid, cute, adorable and innocent, pure… a DOZEN different ways he tries to lessen Doumeki’s role in his life, his importance to him and to make him into something manageable and malleable. He’s making the same mistake he made with Kageyama… built a box to compartmentalise Doumeki, and created a new tool for his emotional masochism.

The fact Doumeki stole the contact lens case to begin with is evidence there is no box Doumeki neatly fits in, other than the one he’s agreed to: To join Yashiro’s world, stay as close to him as possible, and to get his way. Doumeki obeys so few commands, doesn’t do what Yashiro wants… Doumeki is doing what Doumeki wants. This whole time, I don’t think people get that. Doumeki isn’t following orders. Not like that. Doumeki is doing what Doumeki wants, and he has from the minute he saw Yashrio ‘at the other office’.

Doumeki is no Kageyama (blind bat that he is and who sees so little). Doumeki sees everything. So when the contact lens case emerges again, it’s going to be about Dou and Yayo and their shifting dynamic. More specifically about Yashiro finally seeing Doumeki as he is, as well as seeing himself for who he is. It won’t be about the idea of Kageyama or loving Kageyama; none of that.

When the case shows up again, it will be about seeing and being seen. Finally, finally, finally being able to see and allowing yourself to be seen.

For both Doumeki and Yashiro.

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