Can’t Stand Me Now

Today, I found yet again the depths of the wickedness I have endured at the hands of monilove and preciousc.

I’ve cried no tears over it. The things they’ve chosen to destroy are things that can be replaced. I shed no tears when I confronted either one of them either, and in fact, it’s one of the few confrontations I have had with people who push me over the line, where I was perfectly articulate and where my anger overwhelmed my sense of loss or hurt over the situation. In short, when it really hurts I cry. When I am blue fucking vex, and righteously so, I never cry. And I didn’t shed a tear for either of those two snakes. When a snake bites you, you suck out the fucking poison, oui?

I don’t even know which one of them took something sharp and destroyed my Star Wars Trilogy, my copy of Finding Nemo… who took a pen knife and went through my copies of Song of Susannah and The Dark Tower, and cut pages out. I am quite sure it was monilove who stole my copy of “Love Actually” and who’s to guess which one took the first DVD in my extended version of Lord of The Rings.

The point is, in addition to fucking me over to the tune of about £1000… I can add that which ever one it was that took the knife and did this, is a sick twisted individual. This is a person who has some deep seated issues. Shades of “Single White Female” anyone? Can anyone say Bunny Boiler? There’s an almost sexual fetishistic perversion in it.

As my brother pointed out to me, “This is the act of a jilted lover.”

Whatever it was, who ever it was, monilove or preciousc, both of them are guilty. It could be that one did it and the other one watched and laughed. It could be that one of them did it hiding from the other… they’re both guilty because they enabled each other. And no matter which way you slice it, cut it, dice it… no matter which way you look at it, the act of destroying my possessions in that sinister way, hacking and slicing at it, kind of indicates to me that it was a way of slicing and hacking at me because my physical body wasn’t there for it to be done to. Does it strike more than just me that that is a kind of twisted mental person that would do that.

I search my mind, search my past experience with both these girls and wonder what I could have possibly done to incur that kind of low, classless, sociopathic, slightly psychotic behaviour. Okay, maybe it could have happened when I cuss they ass coming and going. I had to though, I RARELY lose my temper sufficiently to cuss someone out to their faces. It’s also only when I’ve been seriously wronged. So I called you a deceitful, dishonest, duplicitous betrayer of people you call friend? How are you going to give me evidence like bills, leases, council tax and destroyed DVDs, CDs, books? To prove it. To prove that you are selfish users and abusers?

The thing I find personally amusing under my anger, is how this was supposed to hurt me. These things that were destroyed, were my favourites. Books and movies I loved. Like I haven’t bought the same books, wouldn’t buy the same DVDs over and over again. I wonder how many times I have bought music or books not once, but up to four times, because I loaned them out and never got them back; because they were stolen from me or destroyed by someone irate and irrational. And didn’t I get it all back and better? So what was the scratching and slicing really meant to give them? Some satisfaction? What kind of need does that kind of satisfaction requires.

I try to see if I did anything other than help both of them. Because surely there must be something about me that really pisses them off, to even get to that point. I am not without my faults, mates. I am a bit of an intellectual snob. I know this, and accept it about myself. Trust me, some of the stupid motherfuckers one comes across in daily living, sometimes one really has to reserve some kind of pride in being able to think for myself and reflect some kind of gratitude for being fortunate in my non-standard education.

I search to see what I am guilty for in this situation and I see it before me clearly. I am guilty of two things. The first, I am too naive. I am too trusting. I do not understand why I am still this way after being screwed over by so many people for exactly that reason. Maybe it’s because all that about seeing the good in the human race, and in the people I encounter often leads me to give others the benefit of the doubt, even when they don’t deserve it.

The second is that I do too many favours. I give and give and give, share my things freely. Shit like scratching up someone’s shit wouldn’t even occur to me. I might want to fuck someone up, but I won’t do it, because I think karma is fucked up… so I will tell you how I feel, but to hurt you.

And these were two women I had made sacrifices for without thinking, more than once.

So funny… just things.

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thegoddessroom

The Vault

sungoddess

mermaid, dayo's mama, water priestess, writer, web developer, omo yemoja, dos aguas, obsessive reader, sci-fi fan, trini-bajan, combermerian, second life, music, music, music!