False Friends & Betrayal Deep

WARNING: This is yet another rearing up of my obsessive archival practices. I’m glad I do this, because when shit goes down, I does have evidence to back up what I say, oui? I don’t need to be cryptic about anything, I save EVERYTHING. No need for me to make vague comments or veiled threats. I have everything ya’ll say to me electronically saved. Even years and years later I can refer to these posts, emails, logs etc. and remind myself and others exactly what the ass happened, and why I feel what I feel, and why I say what I say, and why my ass is not taking your shit, just dealing with my own. Real rap.

So out of curiosity I went over to preciousc’s journal and read her post denouncing me, I have it below, so you can read what she said about me and what her take on her own bullshit is:

You know, sometimes things happen what really make you wonder how and why you choose your friends. And what is a friend anyway? This weekend I was accused of being a ‘betrayer’ and one of the bits of evidence was that I consistently spoke to my current roomie until the wee hours of the morning and didn’t come back to sungoddess and say what we were talking about. I could go on and on but in thinking about the behaviour that was displayed this weekend, I realised that this person that I called friend was someone that, very possibly, I really didn’t know. What I saw wasn’t the professed deply spiritual and compassionate human being that I’d shared myself with over the past five years. I didn’t know and wouldn’t like the person I saw. I’d been warned over the five years of my association with this person. People who’d been to the community college that she attended had some very interesting things to say – but I chose not to judge on the basis of other people’s perceptions. Strangely enough, that refusal to make a judgment based on what others had to say, when applied to my current roomie, led to this conflict when I didn’t allow what sungoddess had said about monilove to stop me from speaking to her. Why suggest that we be roomies if you didn’t think we should get along?

I’m going to refrain from saying anything else about the whole debacle. Besides the fact that I think it is energy that is best applied elsewhere, I think that perhaps the events in her own life might have caused some of what I witnessed. Stress and difficulty are great when it comes to revealing people’s true characters and I’m just thankful for the lesson. I don’t have to switch blogs to hide and tell you guys that.

In the interim, life goes on. And as if to prove that what subsequently happened is a mere bump in the road for me, two absolutely wonderful things happened today. More details when I have them confirmed and know them to be irrevocable.
And it’s three times today now that I heard this song, which I hadn’t heard in aeons before that.

——

Now despite all the talk of ‘not hiding’, like I said her journal is favourites only, so you won’t be able to read it in it’s original space.

Her first line, is the truest thing in this post.

So again, I feel like I have to explain what the fuck really happened, and expose the hypocrisy of all of this.

First, check it out. Ya’ll been hearing me write about monilove since I came up to England. I been complaining bitterly about how she has treated me, and the kind of callous manner in which she has dealt with me.

Check it out, it’s all in my blog mates….

Do a search up there in the right hand corner of the goddess room for monilove, you will see how many entries I have written about the girl.

Most of all read these: What to say? and Know Who Your Friends Are from more than a year ago, August and September 2004 to be precise.

I had pretty much written off monilove in terms of being a dependable and loyal friend. However I never did confront her. I NEVER told her how much what she had done to me hurt me, and when we spoke I was always myself. I listened to her moan and whine about her life, men, her job all kinds of stuff and put my own pain aside and was her friend!

Now back in June, she calls me up and tells me how, the girl she was sharing with was so terrible, so awful and she had had enough and didn’t want to live with her any more. (In retrospect, I can only wonder how awful monilove must have been to her.)

At the time I was gearing up to give up my flat, so this is when the first talk of her and I sharing a flat came up.

When we talked about it over the next several weeks, she well talk me up oui? She said she recognised that what she did to me when I came up here was wrong, and that she was just following her friend and she was sorry for what she put me through.

She apologised MORE THAN ONCE… it was profuse! She said she was sorry that her friend caused her to hurt me blah blah blah right.

So me, like an ass, said no problem, doan watch nutten… I had always believed one day she would recognise her mistakes and come around on her own, so I took this as that and you know… while I didn’t a hundred per cent trust her not to fuck up again, you can’t hold shit against people right. I wrote about that too (Prodigal Friendship Returns). I mean, rereading that post, I am amazed…

So we made plans to find a place to live that we could share.

Of course, we had all kinds of trouble, and I don’t know why I didn’t take it as a sign not to do it, but I so wanted to believe things would work out.

The whole time leading up to us moving into the flat in Peckham, she kept asking me if I was sure I wanted to share with her. She’s miserable, she’s nit picky, she’s a terrible person SHE SAID to me, and I would put that down right a way.

So I have to say the current situation is my fault as much as hers.

One of my oldest girlfriends Ms. G, reacted in horror when I told her I was moving in with Monilove into the Peckham flat.

“Are you sure you want to do that?” She said concerned, “That girl is no good.”

I defended her and said that she had apologised to me about what she had done to me when I first came up to England, blah, blah, blah.

Ms. G, looked at me hard and said, “I still don’t trust that girl. Please be careful baby, I have a bad feeling about it.”

Me, I always want to believe the best about people; that people have honourable intentions… but heh, the path to hell is paved with good intentions. So with the best hopes for both of us, I moved into the flat with her.

For a few weeks everything was alright. Not perfect, because she is a Virgo and anally retentive about quite a bit of stuff, but I had been prepared for that, after all I had lived with her before since being in England, and more… she had been my ‘friend’ for seven years so I knew what she was like.

Most of the shit she was on about I didn’t take personally, because it wasn’t about me, it was her own stuff in her head she was projecting.

My greatest mistake was that I allowed myself to get suckered into putting the flat lease in my name, the council tax in my name, the telephone in my name, the cable in my name. I hardly watched television, but from almost the beginning she’d park in front the television at night and not move for hours and hours.

Then in general, she was like always passive aggressively bullying me. Things had to be done ‘this way’, ‘her way’ because it was the ‘best way’. She didn’t like this, she didn’t like that. Me I ignored most of it because well I didn’t perceive it as being about me, just the way she was.

At any rate, it was in October that things went bad… so we’re talking less than two months of living together, something like six weeks.

And what happened? The relationship between me and the father of my baby turned into talk of getting married.

For two weeks or so, CFWOchoosi would call me on the telephone as soon as he got home from work, and we would talk from about 6pm until midnight at the earliest. During that period, I must admit, I didn’t get much chance to talk to monilove. For the most part she sat down in the living room at night and sulked. When I got off the phone with CFWOchoosi at night, she would already be asleep, and then I woke up in the morning after she left for work.

More than once, I would tell CFWOchoosi goodnight, and go outside and try to talk to her, but I was rebuffed more than once.

I think this was her fear and insecurity coming up, because the way things were going, it looked like CFWOchoosi and I were getting married and I was planning to leave. More, I was no longer in ‘man beater’ mode, and loved up. Either she was jealous of the relationship or some other twisted internal shit I just can’t get a grasp on, cause my mind just doesn’t work that way.

The end of October came, and I paid the phone bill and the cable bill. When I asked her about whether she was going to pay her half, she just said she hadn’t budgeted for so much and didn’t make a move to actually give me any money.

We also had a terrible fight on the telephone where she was ready to beat me because I left a note asking her about her part of the bills. This was the first time I got fucking angry with her. I cussed her ass and she cussed me. I hung up the phone furious, but she called me back and said to me, “We is girls, we can’t let it go out like that.”

Yet again, I wanted to think she was going to live up to her end of the deal.

By the beginning of November, I was coming to a realisation that I couldn’t sustain much more of this. I just wasn’t making enough money, and it didn’t seem like monilove was going to help with the actual bills, plus her bitchy attitude was getting me down and I was losing my wherewithal to endure.

Also she was stomping around the flat and just ignoring me for the most part.

This is the point where I kind of have to stop, because here is where the story with preciousc converges.

So let me pause, and fill wunna in.

The story with preciousc goes back to one Old Year’s night, I think it was Old Year’s 1997. Keffi and I had wanted to go down to see my brother perform in Holetown at the First Street restaurant Olive’s.

Now as I was told later, it was preciousc who picked me up, drove me there and stayed there and limed with us, but I had no memory of her. I have often looked back and wondered about that. How is it that she made NO impression on me whatsoever? She got upset too when UT passed her straight in the time after Keffi died, because she made NO impression on him either.

At any rate, I didn’t see her again for about two nearly three years later. During that time, I got sucked into her life, without even knowing it.

The drug dealing jail bird father of her two children, and I met out one night. To be honest, I cannot remember where.

He offered to drop me home, but said he had to stop at his house for awhile. I agreed to wait, because at this point you know I thought he was cute and he was flirting with me strong.

Now, I must interject here: I had no idea who he was. Had no idea he and preciousc had been involved, he was just some guy I met one night.

So we were back at his house, and I could tell he was trying to put the moves on me. Except, that for reasons unknown, I went physically cold. What I mean is, the most intense cold began running through my body and I began to feel ill. I insisted I was going home, and he begged me to stay. However, I had a terrible sense of foreboding.

In the end I called a taxi to come and get me and went to shite home.

Later he called me up, and was pushing to come and visit me at home. I relented, and he came over and took me for a drive and we had sex on the beach somewhere in Christ Church. It was passingly okay, because I have long discovered a big dick does not a skilled lover make, and this guy was selfish.

We went out one more time, but I realised he was not my kind of fella, because you know I didn’t think him too bright and well I didn’t really enjoy sex with him, so after then I broke it off with him, but still kind of stayed friends.

Now it is only AFTER this, that I happened to mention to Keffi, I had met this dude and when I mentioned his name, this is when she told me he was the father of preciousc’s two children. I was a little perturbed, but decided you know, preciousc and I were not friends at this point, I didn’t know her and at that stage couldn’t even remember meeting her. I racked it up to the size of Barbados and thought no more about it.

Then, tragedy struck.

Keffi died. In the wildness of my grief, when preciousc called me up in the days after Keffi’s death and offered me her friendship, I clung to her. Now I’m trying to remember how she got to the morgue and you know, I can’t. Who invited her? I don’t remember doing it, and UT says it surely wasn’t him. Somehow though, she managed to be there.

You should have seen it. You would have though that she and Keffi were the tightest of tight. She cried over her body, and you know… I was struggling with my own grief. Now I feel as though I can only rack it up to a slight lack of one’s own personality, and latching on to an event to give reason and meaning.

From the get go, when she and I spoke about Keffi in those days, I felt as though she was trying to validate or legitimise her friendship with Keffi. Like they were so close.

Yet, when I mentioned a couple of Keffi’s most heartbreaking stories, she was clueless. I stopped there. What I mean is, I mentioned the tip of the iceberg, and when I realised she had no REAL idea of Keffi’s deepest and darkest pains, I simply stopped telling her or talking about them. Because if preciousc didn’t know these things, then it meant she and Keffi weren’t really that close and that Keffi NEVER trusted preciousc. Certainly, not with her children and not with her deepest self.

To be honest, it made me miss Keffi even more, because I realised then she had trusted me with her soul and she did that with NO ONE else. Not even UT knows the things I know, not her parents, none of her other friends and certainly not preciousc. That beautiful spirit that was my truest soul sister, entrusted me with something of herself that no one else on this planet got and I am grateful to have loved her completely and she me.

However, I allowed preciousc to continue to feel like her friendship with Keffi was equal to, or on par with mine. She clearly needed the validation more than me. At any rate, to this day I have never really revealed all Keffi had told me… not to her or anyone. I will save that for her daughters when they’re ready to hear. I am their god mother, the only one left, so you know I will do as Keffi asked me to do.

In retrospect, the sickest part of all of this is who preciousc USED Keffi’s memory to get close to me and to get close to her family. All in all, I think I am the one she had the most success with, because I am everyone’s friend. I welcome everyone I feel has redemptive qualities and take them into my life and heart. It has proven to be my undoing more than once.

Keffi’s parents weren’t too interested in her and UT certainly wasn’t. I remember preciousc being most offended that UT ignored her in public more than once. See… if you were such a friend, and such a part of her life, that wouldn’t happen right. I mean, it’s never happened to me.

In a lot of ways, because preciousc wormed her way into my life, and because she had SOME kind of friendship with Keffi, I felt that in extending my friendship to her was in some way, keeping alive the friendship I had with Keffi. I see now how that was wrong, but grief makes you do things… but let me not get too far ahead of the story.

At any rate, it was during this early stage that the subject of the sexual relationship between me and her child father was discussed. To my mind, she took just a little too much relish in telling me, that her child father ‘seduced me’ to get back at her, thinking she and I were friends. His mistake was that he didn’t realise at that time, she and I had no dealings with each other.

At any rate, it didn’t quite amount to enough for me to write her off… and she didn’t act like it bothered her enough for her to write me off, because clearly she knew before Keffi died and it didn’t stop her from ‘being my friend’ right?

However, as I look back, maybe she’s been harbouring something all this time and it took monilove for it to come out.

There is one more incident worth mentioning. One afternoon, a couple months after Keffi died, I was coming back for somewhere and came across on the Oistins-Speightstown Bypass, and got out at Eagle Hall. I went to the groceries, and went through the back of Waterhall Land to get to the bus stop outside R.L. Seale. This is because I hate crossing at the lights in Eagle Hall, always have since I was a small child. Just scary!

As I was walking towards the corner I needed to turn to get to the bus stop, the rain started pissing down. Now since everywhere between Bank Hall, Black Rock, Bush Hall and Spooner’s Hill is my hometown, this dude I know and had been friendly with for years who lives on that street saw me with my grocery bags and invited me to come sit down out of the rain.

The rain got a little heavier, and he encouraged me to go in the house out of the rain. I picked up my bags, and unbeknownst to me, left my handbag outside.

Within about five minutes, there were two police cars outside and people were getting nicked. I heard some stomping outside on the verandah. I heard a loud voice say, “Whose bag is this?”

This is when I realised that my handbag had been left outside.

I jumped up, realising my bag was outside and said, “It’s mine!” and went outside.

Apparently someone had dumped their stash of herb in my bag, and the cops found it.

Now it definitely wasn’t mine, although I had thought to get some while I was down there. I just hadn’t gotten around to it. We’re talking all of this happened in minutes.

The cop didn’t accept my story that I didn’t know whose it was or how it got there, and I said to him, “You know I was inside, and you came and found it outside, anybody could have dropped it in there.”

Anyway, he nicked me too, and off to the police station I went.

They were writing up my charge sheet, when I started to pray. I always used to tease Keffi she would be my lawyer forever, so I sent up a prayer, “Kef, you’re my lawyer up there in heaven, you better start negotiating for me and help me out, cause this is some bullshit.”

I called UT, UT called preciousc (who is a lawyer by the way) who ‘couldn’t actually do anything’ she said, but she called a friend of hers, and in about twenty minutes or so I was out of there with an apology from the cops.

I dunno, suppose that counts as a ‘kindness’ that preciousc did for me.

Preciousc and I maintained our friendship over the last five years. Although we were often not living on the same land mass for months or years at a time, and saw each other quite infrequently, and fell out of email contact regularly, we were still ‘friends’.

When I came up to London, she was one of the people who was regularly reading my blog and posting supportive comments under the name of Eyaniev. She even went so far as to send me the equivalent of £30 at a point where I desperately needed some money. Of course I am grateful then as I am now.

By March last year, I had found my own flat and was living on my own, despite the whole fight up fight down scene with monilove… (something I would like to add, neither one of them has been able to do since in England. They always need someone to help them share the expenses… at least I had some REAL INDEPENDENCE in England.)

She said she was coming up to England for a visit, she wanted to hook up. This time, this is my ‘girl’ right, so of course. She was staying by some dog ass man, but said she wanted to spend a few days with me, and of course I opened up my tiny little living space and said of course. So she and I shared my bed for a few days, talked and hung out and laughed etc. etc.

And off she went…

When she announced that she was applying for a Visa to come up to England to live, I supported her and encouraged her. In fact, when she asked if she could use my address for her job applications, I agreed and did more than that, began to actively monitor the mail on her behalf.

When she had applied for the Highly Skilled Migrant Worker Programme visa, and needed a letter from someone in England to sponsor her stay up here, who do you think is the ass she mamaguyed into writing the letter. Yes my friends, yours truly.

And here’s what I wrote:

Wednesday, September 7, 2005

To Whom It May Concern:

I write with regard to Ms (preciousc). Ms (preciousc) has confirmed that she will be travelling to England in the latter part of 2005.

I would like to confirm my support for her efforts in all ways, and that she is welcome to stay with me until she finds her feet.

My home is at her disposal and I will welcome her when she comes off the airplane and make sure she is comfortable.

Faithfully,

Delamiko Lord

Then I get this private message in October:

I know I’m hyper-sensitive and whatever but I have been vibing that something ain’t quite right with us. Maybe just me worrying and seeing things that not there but I have not heard you (via email) in weeks (although we were corresponding about the Open Uni info.), you haven’t been by my blog – you just seem ….. silent. I read your blog today and I realise that you are under some pressure so maybe that was it? Is everything alright?

In fact, I had given her little to no thought at all. I was very much involved in my burgeoning relationship and running around trying to service my client accounts and flat out working hard. So hard, I had barely any time for blogging, and certainly no time to actually inform her on the minutiae of my life. Definitely whatever she was ‘vibesing’ as not right, could only be that my attention wasn’t wholly fixed upon her… as I had no thought in my mind beyond ‘she’s coming at some point’.

But maybe this is where she started to turn against me, and I didn’t realise it until I started to analyse this thing. At any rate, this was when I started to think, “Wow! How self-absorbed!”

Around the same time, I got another Private Message asking me if I’d be willing to put her and her two children up when she came up to England for two job interviews in late October.

I wrote back:

C, I am going to call my mother and ask her if she could take care of the children for the days you will be out here.

I don’t know if she can, but I will ask her… it’s the driving to St. Phillip thing that is the hard one.

She might do it though, she might enjoy it even.

All I can do is ask.

I will also ask monilove how she feels about two kids in here… this place ain’t that big, but all I can do is ask on your behalf.

I think what your family is doing is disgraceful.

In fact, you could call Mummy yourself and ask her.

You could do a better job of telling her your situation in any case.

Her number is ——–. Call her and ask her. Tell her about what your family is doing to you… trust me she will understand, because her family did that to her and are still doing it. She has the room at least, and she could use the cheering up kids bring and add. Plus they know her and the house.

So ask her.

I thought that was asking too much, because I didn’t think the flat could bear it, as it is two boys she has (who are no longer babies) and the flat is very small. More, I still asked monilove if she would be willing to consider it, and it was a flat no.

Got a reply from her:

Girl, fear not. Was talking about this with another friend here an hour ago and got something sorted. So don’t bother monilove. I will be there – solo as planned – on the morning of the 25th but will leave on Thursday morning instead. But thanks for understanding and everything. See u then!!

So she comes up on the 25th of October. I had to reschedule some stuff so I could be here when she got here, but she got here.

First off, during the few days that she was here in October, and staying with me in the flat, monilove IGNORED her. I mean, I cannot say I saw her make one friendly overture to preciousc, although she was passingly cordial. She was cold, and like I said before, stomping around the flat and acting like a petulant child.

So much so that preciousc and I had conversations about it.

At the time, I felt it had a lot to do with the fact that my relationship with the father of my child was in full swing by this time, and I am sure she was jealous.

By the way, I had three other close girlfriends come by and visit, who all received the same treatment, and they all asked me, “What is UP with her?” So it wasn’t just me who noticed her behaviour, I just had to live with it.

So preciousc came up, went to her interview (and had one cancelled on her) and what not.

Then after the few days, went back down to Barbados. Now there is one more relevant fact about this trip in October. When she came up here, her father said she was no longer welcome in his house, and when she went back to Barbados, her father had locked her out of the house.

I don’t know about anyone else, but this is something I had trouble concieving at the time, but maybe her father had a damn good reason for doing it. I know nothing I have ever done has shamed or infuriated my mother so much that she has actually changed the locks on my ass… and my mother can be as irrational as she wants to be, but you know, I ain’t judging, I just pointing out something.

On paper, she needed to appear as though she was resident in the UK from late October, and who was the ass that gave her that? Yes my friends, yours truly.

When she got up here, she needed a letter to go to the bank with, I wrote it. She applied for a writer’s colony, and needed a recommendation, I wrote it for her. In addition to letting her use my address and phone number for whatever she needed to get done.

So in early Nov. she sends me another PM, the entire contents of which are not relevant to this discourse, but one paragraph is:

What was the name of the place you suggested I look for an apartment again? I want to find one pretty soon so they can follow me as soon as possible after I come up which I hope to be around 19 December.

Just stick a pin in this, as I will get back to it shortly.

So I was checking the post everyday, like is me waiting to hear about a job, and when the letter came I wrote to her and let her know that she got it.

So by late November now… my own money situation getting worse, and my father of my child putting pressure on me to give up the flat and move in with him to alleviate that pressure…

Sent you a pm yesterday to say that I want to come back up on 1Dec (well, sorta have to unless I want to pay another month’s rent and I have the training on 9th anyways) and wanted to stay with you for a few days (literally) while I look at the places I am scoping on-line and arrange to move in and stuff. I haven’t heard you on it yet so I’m not sure you got the message. Is that OK? If there is any problem please let me know soonest because I’d have to try to arrange something else and it’s just a few weeks away now.

And what is up with you? Can I just say that I’m feeling like something’s up (besides Child Father) that you ain’t letting on? Can’t shake that feeling. I’m no longer on your faves list so I might be missing the posts that deal with what is happening in your life. Although I am sure I was on it before…..

I’m looking this place on the assumption that monilove is staying on in London after December and that you will be marrying CFWOchoosi and moving in with him quite soon. I know the plan was that monilove would be leaving in December and I would move in with you and split the rent but she did say while I was there that the BHC there is organising for her to stay so I am assuming that she will do that and you guys will continue together until you move out.

Mummy has organised to keep the kids for me as originally planned while I sort myself out over there and she will be back in Bim soon so that part should run smoothly. I plan to find a room until I get a decent job and can move into something bigger that can accommodate the kids.

Can you please let me know if staying with you on Dec 1 is OK and confirm for me that monilove is staying so I should go ahead and find a place of my own?

Hope things are going well with CFWOchoosi.

In fact, she had not been removed from my favourites list, that was some glitch in the system.

And I wrote her back with this suggestion:

Sorry… the last few days have been really busy. I’ve been running around behind clients, and had a job interview today and another tomorrow. So I just hadn’t gotten around to writing you yet.

I spoke to monilove about it and it’s cool, so don’t worry. I read the email and am appraised of what is going on. All is cool for Dec. 1…

I don’t know how that happened, but you’re back on [sic: favourites list] now… weird. Anyway, nothing is up… I’m just falling in love with someone and real focussed on that. Also working really hard on freelance projects and looking for jobs too, so I’ve been busy… too busy to write much by way of blog. My whole life is focussed on forging this relationship, and I meant what I said about finding it difficult to write about. I just can’t talk about it fully yet. It’s wonderful, it’s an amazing feeling and he’s a really great person. We’re having a lot of fun just talking to each other and we spend a lot of time doing that, so admittedly right now my other communications are lapsing somewhat. 😀

To be honest, I want to move out of here ASAP if I could. It might still work out, I will talk to CFWOchoosi and monilove and bounce and idea off them.

When would you come back up? In early Jan. right? When do you want to bring up the kids?

Maybe you could stay in my room before then if you like, stay here while I make the move…. in fact, I interviewed for a job in Hemmel Hampsted today, and it’s pretty far to travel, I might move closer to the job in the interim while CFWOchoosi and I look for somewhere to live and I would feel better if you both have a place to stay, and it gives you more time to save up your money and find a better place when the kids come up, and gives monilove enough time to find another flatmate. What do you think?

Here’s the email that came back:

Sorry if I sound neurotic about this but so much shit has been happening with me lately and I think I am beginning to feel like even the ‘stable’ elements in my life are liable to turn over any minute!!!

Thanks for responding so quickly and so assuringly. I am just so tired….

In response to your query, I’d be fine with taking over your room and staying with monilove for a few months and splitting the rent. I’d actually feel better because I already know the place so it would be easier than trying to find a new place on my own. Do you think the two of us would get along ok? I am not sure when the kids would come up – probably not until Feb when the new job will start. I need to be sure of a place for them and of some stability in terms of job etc before I bring them and it will take a little while for me to get established.

Let me know what happens when you talk to her and CFWOchoosi. And I have to say how absolutely happy I am for you and CFWOchoosi. I’ve never seen you this way when talking about someone – not YMK, not the first love, no-one so this is obviously very special. Good luck with the jobs and the free-lance work. I got another rejection today for a lawyerly job and a request for my telephone number for an interview for an internship with Pride Magazine. Everything I’ve pursued that has to do with writing seems to be coming up great. And I thank the universe for all the signs I’m getting as to where I am to go. But like I said, birthing anything is hard and it has taken much adjustment to losing old things.

So I will see you on the 1st Dec. (actually I will arrive on the 2nd) and go from there.

So as far as I know now, everything is set. We’re kind of organised.

She even called monilove and spoke to her while she was still in Barbados, to kind of lay some groundwork.

On December 2, I get an email from her:

I realise that you sent me your last email after I called monilove. Spoke to her yesterday and she seems pretty cool.

However, we have to talk more when I come up about moving in at the apartment. Thought more about it today and realised that it would basically mean that I would be paying rent from the time I get to London (along with my bills here in B’dos) without the assurance of a steady job in London within a short period after I arrive. Here I am also paying rent but the difference is that I have the steady job. I am still trying to work through it in my mind. My initial plan was to come up and stay with you , find a job (even if it is a ‘jill-job’)and room of my own and work up from there but so much has happened in the interim – I have had to deal with no pay for September, dental surgery, house repairs, visa fees for three, my ticket for the job interview in London and moving out unexpectedly because of the row with my Dad. As a result of the financial stress I have been under, I had to give up my car. So I am not as secure financially as I would like to be when making the move and I’d hate to come up there and be skint and then have more problems. I have put my house on the market and should make some money from that when it settles but I do not know how soon that will be either. I am trying to see whether I can work out something here and will know how that pans out on Monday or Tuesday next. I would have tried this earlier if I’d known about your moving out before hand but I’m going to try anyway. So I’m crossing my fingers cause if it works out I will be able to do the rental more comfortably from the get-go. Maybe I am worrying more than I should.

I hope things are going as well as can be expected for you.

When she mentions her ‘original plan’ in this email… I have to kind of go back and see what it is she originally said… Scroll back up with me folks….

Or let me just do a little ‘re-paste’, oui?

What was the name of the place you suggested I look for an apartment again? I want to find one pretty soon so they can follow me as soon as possible after I come up…

So now my thing is, what was she really planning? Originally she said she was coming to find her own place, and now all of a sudden she has a problem paying rent? Even if she was staying with me for a few days, and then moving into her own place, she would have had to pay rent. If I had said to her, you can only stay for a few days, what would she have done? Not gone and found a room or flat she would have had to PAY for? I don’t know, all of a sudden it seemed to me that she was trying to take advantage of a situation.

In retrospect, I should have just let her go and find her own flat.

When I suggested she share with monilove, she thought it was a great idea, remember?:

In response to your query, I’d be fine with taking over your room and staying with monilove for a few months and splitting the rent. I’d actually feel better because I already know the place so it would be easier than trying to find a new place on my own. Do you think the two of us would get along ok?

Now all of a sudden, she wants to stay with me indefinitely until she finds her own place, and what? I told her I was planning to move along, either to move in full time with CFWOchoosi, or to go home if it came to that.

So what?

When she came up here again, I reiterated this.

CFWOchoosi had asked me to MARRY him… it wasn’t just I met him in a bar and picked him up, we were talking a serious commitment. However, because I was Orisa and he is Lukumi, we wanted to go to Ifa for a final confirmation before we actually began to commit this plan of action into reality.

What I said, and MAINTAINED throughout all the discussions I had had with BOTH monilove and preciousc was this:

CFWOchoosi and I were going to Miami on the 12th of January, and that I was going to stay with him through the middle to end of December, up until we went to Miami and came back.

It was in Miami that the deciding divination would be done, and then I would know if I was moving in with him full time or if I was going to go home.

What I suggested to her (preciousc) was that although she was planning to go pay rent on a flat as soon as she got up here, that instead she pay for two weeks rent on the room and I would go stay with CFWOchoosi, so she could have my room. She could then pay the rent in January, since I would stay up at CFWOchoosi’s for the entire month anyway, at most I’d be coming back to sort out my stuff. I explained that I hadn’t made a final decision about moving in with him, but that in the interim, she could take over the room and by Jan. 19/20 I’d be able to say whether I was coming to get my shit and take up there, or packing it to take home.

When preciousc got up here, she started to beg off… she didn’t have money to pay not even two weeks rent in December… that she had this to pay, and that to pay in Barbados and blah, blah, blah… story, story, story.

So after saying she “was going to get her own place as soon as she came up”, the story changed to she “was happy to take over the room for the short period I was trying to decide what to do”, to “she don’t have any money to pay any rent for December”.

I ended up paying the whole rent in December, for a room I slept in a total of twelve nights, in effect, paying rent so preciousc could lap her foot in my flat and conspire with monilove. However, I am getting to that.

And here’s the HA! HA! bit… when she came up ‘to stay’ in December, she was surprised to find all my shit still in my room.

She thought when I said I was going to stay with CFWOchoosi in December, I was going to denude my room and leave it empty for her to live in. As a result, she said she didn’t feel comfortable sleeping in my room. Now I had expressly told her she could stay in my room, not once, more than once during the whole discussion, so I don’t understand what she was on about… at least not then. I do not understand how she got it into her mind that I was going to clear my entire room, the entire flat of my stuff so she could take over completely, when I expressly told her I wasn’t making a final decision about it until January 19/20 at the earliest.

In fact, when I was down there for a few days in the middle of December, she and monilove actually asked me when I was planning to pack, indicating to me that I should have done this as a matter of course, even though I had paid my rent until the end of the month, and had discussed with my ‘friends’ my plan of action and they KNEW what my position was.

This kind of irritated me, because you know, I’m trying to help them both out here. monilove needed a flatmate so she wouldn’t have to worry about the rent, and preciousc needed a place to stay. It’s not unusual in London to have people share rooms, split rent, work out something… all of a sudden, it was like they were anxious to push me out of my place.

I had to AGAIN repeat that I couldn’t make a final decision about what I was doing until I had gone to Miami with CFWOchoosi and knew for sure that I was moving in with him, coming home, giving up the room permanently, whatever. I also had to specifically say, that if it wasn’t ‘any trouble’ for my two ‘friends’ to hold on to my things for me as a ‘favour’ until I had come to a decision.

You know, we’re not talking about a six month wait… not even a three month wait. At the time of this discussion, it was about a month until this final decision could have been made.

So the verbal agreement made was that my stuff would stay there until I came back from Miami, and when I got back I would come and start to sort out and organise my things, begin to pack… because by then a decision would have made one way or the other about the relationship between me and the CFWOchoosi. In fact, when I mentioned to preciousc that I would make space in the closet and in chest of drawers for her things, but that I didn’t have more time to pack up more of the stuff in my room, she said to me, “Don’t worry, you have until the end of January to pack up the room… don’t worry about it now.”

preciousc herself confessed she wasn’t sure if she would be able to stay in London until March… she would have to think about coming back to Barbados and then coming back up again. So preciousc herself hadn’t really made up her mind about what she was doing anyway.

It seemed to me that this solution was not only temporary, but the best one for everyone involved… and SHIT ME NO FUCKING ASS, these two assholes agreed to it.

I left on Christmas Eve, to go back up to the CFWOchoosi’s place. I hadn’t even walked into his place, when preciousc called me on my mobile (like three hours after I left Peckham, oui?) to ask me if I could contribute £100 to the rent in January, because all my stuff was still in the flat, and that she felt since I was still ‘based there’ I could contribute. Basically what she was saying is, I should pay for my stuff to be ‘stored’ there…

I had to say no… because, before I left, I had to pay out £150 towards Council Tax and a phone bill, (More on this phone bill business later!) and hence had only enough money to get to the airport on January 12th, and get myself back from the airport on January 19th. I was dependent on the CFWOchoosi for food until I went and came back.

Ya’ll, two nights later I had a dream.

In the dream, I walked up the steps to the flat in Peckham and when I entered, I realised that ALL my SHIT had been packed up and unceremoniously at that. In the dream I was furious, because who likes anyone to go through your shit or pack for you?

I woke up the next morning furious… but like I do with dreams that don’t actually happen yet, I filed it away and racked it up to my anger over the way that these two girls were behaving, and I was angry.

So I didn’t hear from either one of them… I got a half assed text from monilove wishing me Happy New Year that was probably sent to everyone in her address book… but no actual communication.

I had planned to go back to London for some social activities the weekend before I went to Miami, but knew instinctively that these two girls were going to make me miserable. In fact, I was disturbed about the way things were when I was there those couple of days in the week leading up to Christmas. I was in my room, but uncomfortable because it felt like they were just anxious for me to get out… they were like vultures circling the body.

It also kind of struck me as weird that preciousc literally shut me out, and opened the door wide open for monilove. After monilove had ignored her on two separate visits, all of a sudden they were tighter than ass and panty. That struck me as unnatural, but hey, I felt if they were getting along, then it made it easier for them to share the flat.

At any rate, when I went back into London the week before I went to Miami, I stayed with Ms. G. I had hoped to go to the flat in Peckham and begin to sort out my stuff, and I needed to get some clothes to take with me to Miami.

When I texted monilove to tell her I was passing through, this was the response, “Well it would have been nice to have been asked. preciousc and I had plans. We have friends coming over.”

Now I was stunned to read this. When I showed Ms. G this text, she was like “But what de ass wrong with these two demons?” She had been encouraging me to stop letting these girls get to me for weeks, and I’d been trying to avoid a confrontation.

I just don’t understand what the fuck happened? monilove was doing to me, exactly what she did to me when I first went to England, except, now I had to ask permission to come to a flat where the lease was in my name, the phone was in my name, the council tax was in my name and the cable was in my name and I bloody well paid rent for enough days in December that preciousc got direct benefit from that I fucking well didn’t need to ask anyone’s permission to come there.

At any rate, I ended up not going because I was sick. Although I had said I was coming at 7pm, neither one of those girls called me or texted me to find out why I hadn’t shown up even two days later. I guess it shows you just how callous and mercenary they were.

A few days later, I went to Miami for the week; for the infamous decision making.

What happened there, and when I returned to England has been told elsewhere, so I won’t repeat. This discourse concerns these two deceitful girls.

The weekend I returned from Miami, I went back to the flat.

Now here is where the character of these two girls really revealed itself.

I walked into the flat, and found first, that exactly like the dream I had had three weeks earlier, monilove and preciousc had packed up almost EVERYTHING I owned.

My books, clothes, DVDs, many important papers etc… had been unceremoniously stuffed into a handful of boxes, and garbage bags. Charcoal residue and old candlewax was stuffed into a bag with my spiritual clothes, ruining a few. X-rays and paintings were bent into a garbage bag with magazines and books.

For me, I was horrified. Not only was this a direct contravention of the agreement we had made in December, who THE FUCK were they to pack my things? preciousc kept saying, “There’s nothing sinister about what we did,” as if saying that was enough to dispel and dismiss this THOROUGHLY sinister behaviour. The worst part was, because I HADN’T packed my own shit, I had no idea where any of my things really were. I had no frame of reference.

Also I noticed they didn’t dismantle and pack up my television, my DVD player, or picked down the cable box. Neither did they go through the kitchen and separated my dishes and kitchen things. So what was useful to them they didn’t feel it was necessary to pack.

I expressed my displeasure about what they did, but I didn’t lose my temper. Not then.

The next morning, after going through all the garbage bags, I noticed that the bag where I had put all the boxes from my computer equipment, my iPod etc… each box with the warranty cards, registration info and in at least one case the receipt for the purchase was missing.

I asked preciousc what had happened to it and her blithe, near flippant response was, “Oh, I think that got thrown away.”

Right. So that is when I lost my temper. Even then I had pretty much decided to go home. I hadn’t intended to take much of electronic equipment with me, because of the problem regarding the plug conversion. So as a way to make back some money, I had considered selling my stuff on eBay. That was now impossible because this bag of boxes and related papers for each item was ‘thrown away’.

I happened to be holding onto the rickety chair I sat at my desk on. I started to cuss, truly infuriated now. I lifted the chair up and put it back down very hard and well it crumpled up.

Then I really cut loose. preciousc’s explanation for throwing away the bag is that when they looked into it, the stuff in there looked ’empty’ so they threw it out.

What followed was one of only a few times I have lost my temper well and truly in the last ten or fifteen years. I mean, who are you to decide what of my things is worthy of throwing away and keeping? More to the point, who the fuck are you to pack my shit?

I was disgusted with the two of them, and told them so. In fact, I have rarely cursed out anyone the way I cussed out those two girls that Sunday morning. I told them exactly what I thought of the two of them.

Their paltry responses and pitiful attempts to justify their behaviour was doing nothing more than infuriating me further. I mean I really lit into the two of them…. I called them the deceitful, duplicitous, dishonest betraying cunts they turned out to be. And I’m not sorry either.

I had been complaining about monilove and the way she’d been treating me since I came to England; and well preciousc’s clearly mercenary using of both me and monilove to get what she wanted rankled fundamentally. The fact that they could pack my shit, and then assume to throw away my possessions NO MATTER HOW IRRELEVANT they thought it to be. The fact that they did NOT call me and ask a question, just took it upon themselves and made free with my shit just was not right.

One of my clients came and collected me, and I went there to stay. A few days later, I went back and collected what I felt was the most important of my stuff and abandoned the rest.

Then it was the fight to get back my deposit… but this is how I discovered the depths of these two girl’s dishonesty.

I was stiffed for phone bill, which in one month they had managed to drive up from a normal £40 to £100; stiffed for the cable bill, which monilove NEVER in the four months that we shared that flat ever contributed to, never mind SHE watched the most TV in the house, and in one month managed to drive up from the normal £30 into the £100 range by taking pay-per-view movies, and using the telephone to call cell phones and all over indiscriminately and I KNOW preciousc used the phone A LOT.

The cable bill was coming out of my bank account on a direct debit, and because I wasn’t working, it sent my account into overdraft on an account with no overdraft facility. I was stiffed for the council tax as well. When it came time to get back my deposit, it just covered the overdraft on my bank account.

(EDIT: 2006/10/10: When I got back to Barbados it was to discover that one of these girls (I cannot say which one) had taken my Star Wars box collection, and viciously scratched every single disc. Why? Because it was my favourite. And STOLE one of my DVDS. WHY? Because it was her favourite. Also mysteriously, the first disc of my Extended version of The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring is missing. My beautiful hard-backed, illustrated copies of The Dark Tower series, had random sets of pages sliced out of them. So did my copy of “Like Water For Chocolate”, patiently hunted down and acquired after almost ten years of searching. Other books and DVDs were damaged. I had not had the time to check these things before I left London, and when I opened my box and found these things were damaged, my sense of violation by these two girls was very deep and unsettling. Even if for nothing else, the destruction of my favourite stuff, is the product of a sick and twisted mind. Which one did it? I can never know for sure, but what does it matter? They both did it.

It’s easy to imagine them both sitting around and sharing the knife or whatever they used to destroy my stuff, because they couldn’t destroy me. It could have been just one of them that did it, alone and angry, and cutting book pages and DVDs because they wanted to cut me and couldn’t. It simply doesn’t matter if it was one and not the other, or both of them physically doing these things. They BOTH did it… and since I can never know for sure which one, then real talk, they’re both 100% guilty of everything I say here in this blog.)

When I add up the cost of being a ‘friend’ to these two girls, it was to the tune of £1000.

So when I read preciousc’s self righteous, supercilious post I have to ask myself, how is it that people manage to screw up their sense of indignation and have no moral leg to stand upon.

“..one of the bits of evidence was that I consistently spoke to my current roomie until the wee hours of the morning and didn’t come back to sungoddess and say what we were talking about.”

I don’t gave a fuck if they talked to each other hoarse… and I have no memory whatsoever of demanding that either monilove or preciousc come back and tell me what they discussed. This is further evidence of preciousc’s consumate self absorption.

“…the behaviour that was displayed this weekend, I realised that this person that I called friend was someone that, very possibly, I really didn’t know.”

I wish I had known preciousc herself was amoral, and had a past history of abandoning friends to run with an ‘in crowd’ as I discovered after the fact by people who she herself had screwed over.

“What I saw wasn’t the professed deply spiritual and compassionate human being that I’d shared myself with over the past five years. I didn’t know and wouldn’t like the person I saw.”

Shared herself? I doubt that preciousc has ever truly ‘shared’ herself with anyone. A true narcissist never lets anyone see who they really are… you only see who they really are, when they’re holding the knife deep in your ribs, twisting it and either appearing innocent or grinning with malice to see your pain.

Unlike the Christians, my religion doesn’t have a tradition of ‘turn the other cheek’. In any case, I had turned the other cheek far too much for these two girls. Even Jesus himself is purported to say, “I bring not peace but the sword”. I am and always have been a warrior, always pressed into the fight.

Both my Orishas are warriors, and Osun in particular is known to wipe the blood of her enemies on her face… so what yardstick is she measuring me by? We don’t believe in passively accepting abuse, and we don’t believe in foisting responsibility for our shit onto anyone else.

Who has the market cornered on spirituality and compassion? Who defines it, and who judges it? Isn’t spirituality a deeply personal thing?

More: where was her compassion for me? Her ‘friend’ of five years? She totes a Bible around and asserts she goes to church, but when you see someone willing to treat someone who was NOTHING BUT KIND TO HER in that manner, you have to ask yourself, what kind of Christianity is SHE practising? It completely gives credence to the tenet in many circles that Christians are some of the wickedest people on earth.

My religion has NO prohibition on cussing someone the fuck out, especially when they so clearly deserve it.

The only reason she could say that, is because I am always smiling, bubbly, loving ndela, and that morning she thought I was going to take that shit, tuck my hat and walk away without saying a word. But I didn’t. Instead, the worm turned and she got frightened by the gun and sword it was packing.

“I’d been warned over the five years of my association with this person. People who’d been to the community college that she attended had some very interesting things to say – but I chose not to judge on the basis of other people’s perceptions.”

Well at least I never left off my ‘best friend’ to go and join an in crowd… and at least I have never callously used anyone the way preciousc used me to get what she wanted.

Also, putting in that people at Community College warned her about me… really… what utter typical small minded Bajan shit; All jump up Jesus people, mean-spirited, small-minded, poor great, flaunting their consumate ignorance and pettiness like a badge of fucking honour, and pretending to be more offended than you when they do evil things.

I was PREGNANT! That weekend in London I was PREGNANT… scared and frightened true, but FRIENDS would not have treated me that way… ever. I have NEVER had a REAL friend that has ever treated me that way. I came back to my home, a place with my name and furniture in it and these two cunts made sure their pregnant, just abused, scared ‘friend’ was kicked just a little lower down. Then stood in front of me, incapable of a SINGLE VALID explanation or excuse for their behaviour. Everything out of their mouths in response to my calling them on their shit was WEAK, SELF-SERVING and UTTERLY LACKING IN ANY MORAL CONVICTION WHATSOEVER. Why? Because there was none… so when my own righteous indignation came to the fore, they stood, near silent and had to TAKE IT. THAT’S what preciousc describes as ‘not liking’. She didn’t like being called out, and being unable to defend herself.

So preciousc, badly writes a weak, “I didn’t do anything wrong, that girl is crazy” post, to an audience of six in a private blog as a way of what? Really? What?

All I can say is this: The evil that was set upon me, the wicked intent that caused so much suffering in my life is nullified. In fact, within 48 hours of it being removed from me, three people who were parasitic in their actions towards me were removed from my life, two of them were preciousc and monilove.

No one can tell me that I didn’t BEND OVER BACKWARD to accommodate and support these two girls. Yet my friendship and efforts were spat upon repeatedly when I proved to be of no more use for either one, or that they would be called upon to return even one iota of that kindness and compassion. So when this dangerous bitch, preciousc I mean, talks about being ‘warned’ about me, I wish someone had fucking warned me about her. I wish Keffi had told me, “I know her, but not like that.”

Like I said earlier in this post, I am glad I never really revealed too many of Keffi’s secrets to that bitch. No doubt preciousc would have spread it all around like the gossiping betrayer that she is, and that would have made me like her. Betraying the trust my truest friend placed in me. I’m glad I can say I didn’t betray Keffi in that way… God Rest Her Soul! Preciousc can’t go to her grave saying she never betrayed a friend, I hear she’s done it more than once. I can. I can say I’ve been a true and loyal friend, and the fact I have friends going back more than three decades can attest to that. TRUE friends. Come sleep in my bed, eat my food friends. Cry with me, fight with me, never let you fall kind of friends.

What’s more, monilove is going around telling people that I owe her money, when in fact she owes me a SIGNIFICANT amount of money and she is part and parcel of destroying and throwing away MY PROPERTY. I should have know that this malcontented, insecure, selfish girl would amount to exactly what she was. preciousc, well she’s a lawyer, and I haven’t met an honest one yet… and she suffers from the same kind of borderline personality. (EDIT 2006/10/10: Turns out that preciousc, took my mother’s will to do some work for her, and has never returned either the original will, or done the work that was requested. How’s that for ya?)

And the last silly bit of shit said in this blog post of hers, about not having to “switch blogs to hide and tell you guys that.”

The arrogance, the self-righteousness of this chit, to think that what I had to say in my ‘back room’ blog, had ANYTHING to do with her as it VERY MUCH did not (as those who have actually read what I posted there can attest). The kind of hypocrisy in this particular statement from someone who has a ‘favourites only’ blog with six people on it, who did in fact HIDE and SAY and DO her SHIT.

I mean what the fuck?

Shit, I am not sorry that I cuss those two asses out. I regret NOTHING! As God is my witness, if I felt I had done something to deserve that kind of treatment from either one of these girls, I would have taken my lumps and gone my way. But I KNOW I didn’t, so you know what… I say let them do their worst.

Besides, I have the lease, the council tax bill, the phone bills and the cable bills. I can prove that these two dishonest fassyholes were parasites.

The HA HA thing is this, they’re going to do to each other, exactly what they did to me. And if they don’t do it to each other, someone else is going to come along and do far worse to them than what they did to me. Retribution is a funny thing, and karma in my experience has a way of sorting out this kind of thing.

My only mistake in all of this was to once again allow my naivete and too trusting nature to get the better of me. I always want to believe that people will do the right thing… because I am always striving to do it.

If nothing else, 2006 so far has shown me that I MUST to stop trusting too much or I’m going to keep getting fucked over by people like monilove, preciousc and CFWOChoosi.

When I was in Miami, and they were reading me… one thing that came up was that I was to stop doing favours for people. I was told that if I did favours for people who didn’t deserve it, they would build up a dependency on me, and as soon as I said I was finished, no more, they would hate me for it.

This is EXACTLY what these two girls did to me. So in many ways, what happened was a lesson for me, a harsh expensive lesson in why to choose who I help more carefully.

I need to put my faith in God and Orisa and NOT IN HUMAN BEINGS.

I’ve been betrayed by people too much, because I put my trust in them. God help me, I hope I learn this lesson forever.

And I STILL AIN’T sorry I cuss they ass. Everything I lost in my interaction with these two spiteful ‘walking demons’ as Ms G calls them, I can get again. The clothes, the books, the flat, the DVDS that were scratched up… all of it. Ultimately they’re just things.

Not only that, I do actually have real friends that love me and support me right down the line… these two, they’ll never know what they lost until it’s much too late.

Me… all this, everything I’ve been through in the last few months has made me realise I miss Keffi more than ever. I miss my friend…

It’s also made me reallly thankful for Ms. G. and for my very few close girlfriends that back me up in tight spots. I’m also grateful to have had my life purged of people like monilove and preciousc. Parasites are parasites… and eventually one must choose between them and your own health and survival… so I regret NOTHING.

As my grandmother said when this story was related to her, “All like them so, will meet it.” So I may have been a ‘bump in the road’, something to ride roughshod over and not worry too much about the consequences, but like Granny says, they will both meet it. And they will… one way or another. And you notice, I didn’t switch blogs to say it, and my blog still ain’t ‘favourites only’ mate. Anyone can read what I write, because I am not ashamed of anything I said or did.

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thegoddessroom

The Vault

sungoddess

mermaid, dayo's mama, water priestess, writer, web developer, omo yemoja, dos aguas, obsessive reader, sci-fi fan, trini-bajan, combermerian, second life, music, music, music!