I been writing about feeling real quiet about my personal life in this blog and my LJ blog now for a while. This trend is continuing I must say. My firends who come and read, scattered far and wide as they are, have felt a noticeable absence of my personal story in here, and I can only do what I can to bring them up to date.
I have friends and family that love my blog, and read it as a source of info about what’s happening in my life. Sad thing is, I got enemies that reading here,and people who contrive against me, and they make what they will of what they find and presume to judge me.
I always say I got nothing to hide, and I don’t, but what’s changed is I am part of that which I must protect now, and it’s changed the rules of the game.
I guess in many ways, I am just sick and tired of trifling motherfuckers. I’m so tired of dealing with jealous people who think they know me, and wan ramp, wan test just to see the resistance they get back. And you know what, I’m tired of resistance; never been a fan of game playing and tired of holding my defenses together against people’s irrational fears.
I am like Orunmilla, living a life of war and exhausted from the fight. Going from one place to the next to fight… I just want to lay my weapons down and plant some roots and make some kind of life in stillness, peace and calm.
So I feel like this blog is being subtly turned into a form of reconnaissance for my enemies to discover all that they feel they can with which to attack me. I say, macomeres, even your friends, can be dangerous. Boy as long as ya living somebody always think they know your business better than you, oui? Think they know and have all right to tell you your business, but where I come from that just isn’t right.
Yet, I am so tired right now, I don’t have the wherewithal to keep exposing my sensitive inner self to the harshest critics who then choose to spread any gossip they feel like about me, right up to and mostly inventing shit based on gleanings. I’m just too tired and can’t be assed. Right now to be the bigger person I have to play possum.
I just am not interested in those kind of games. I’m not interested in giving over energy and power to people who don’t deserve it, that don’t deserve that much of my time and effort. Frankly, I just want to sort out my own shit and am not too interested in muck racking with people crazier and more mean spirited than me. I’m a sensitive girl, and I want to stay that way.
So I find myself in a quandry and as yet I am undecided as to my final choice. I think though, that for safety and my own peace of mind, I shall write only on topics non-personal in nature in this space. At least for a while. I still have plenty to say that doesn’t involve my personal life. But I am unnerved by the depths some people sink to and want to drag you down to, but further validate my own choice to rise above it and be the lady I was brought up to be.