Look, some of this has to come out or I am just going to pop; bust up, implode or something. Some way, some how I have to find a way to express this thing from my mind to some outside form.
Thing is, somehow I feel as though I may take a long time to finish this, post this and even if I post this, access to it will be limited. I doubt this will be posted before it takes shape and manifests itself.
Why is this? I think this is mostly because of my spirituality and a missive I received to keep big things to myself before it’s done. So I am not going to tell you what’s ACTUALLY happened, what’s happening, what’s likely to happen.
Instead, let me tell you how I feel.
The world reels, colours are richer…. all of a sudden the tapestry of my life must contemplate skeins and skeins of the richest kinds of threads.
I am reeling… I am spinning and spinning and spinning… it’s something like I experienced during ritual work in Trinidad. Spinning, spinning, spinning away something haunting me, and turning, turning, turning into freedom.
I am feeling the freedom that the bonds of friendship, love, loyalty and spiritual work can provide me, that which I have sought for more years that I tell you. I am feeling safe and protected and as always, just when I felt the connection between me and my spiritual self were slipping away, forces beyond me organised itself to bring me back to it.
All I have prayed for is right there in front of me, being offered to me of a platter of bronze, surrounded by plumes of peacock feathers. All I have to ask is if it’s mine. My eye is as big as my heart, my heart is bigger than it’s ever been, and I’m salivating with want for this… for my life to change, for that which has held me back for so long is beaten into a permanent retreat. For my life to become all I’ve dreamed, all I have known and been told over and over and over again by the mystics and seers who have reached out to me and gave me the messages from SPIRIT, you’re alright, it’s alright, it’s going to be just fine, finally, finally MANIFEST.
What can you say about how you feel in moments like these. Utter terror? No, it feels normal. Like I’ve been waiting for it, isn’t that right babies? Wasn’t Mami waiting for it for so long, and filled pages and pages, outputted gigs of binary on the subject?
Shucks…. I am no fool. All is chance and fortune, and my fortunes are changing, I haven’t just been praying in my bed, I’ve gone out and met it come hard come soft… and it’s done both. There are too many wicked souls in the world, too much jealousy and insecurity and a dear friend likes to say, “It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.”
I feel as Aragorn must have, when Gandalf returned with Eomer at the Battle of Helm’s Deep; like Gandalf himself must have felt at the gates of Minas Tirith fighting off the Witch King of Angmar when light broke and the horns of Rohan exploded across the Battle of Pelennor Fields. (You can tell I’m reading LOTR… all things lead me to elements of Tolkein’s tale. I cannot help my epic imagination and appetite for this story. I identify!)
I have been embattled. Ya’ll think I was kidding when I said I was struggling under the weight of something. I’ve written about it more than once, but because the depth to which I have been hampered, wounded and violated, although I have begun to heal, it still isn’t done yet.
Yet, I am at the end of the fight, finally at the end of the battle and I am blessed to find both protection and protector.
I guess for the first time I’m beginning to realise that Orisa loves me, my Guardian Angel, my Ori, all are there rooting for me, so no matter how bad things are in terms of this NEGATIVE ENTITY that’s trying to harm me, I have love all around me protecting me from the worse of it, and more… the more I help myself, the more help I get.
I am feeling it… feeling that love, and it’s got to get worse before it gets better, but with Ifa’s blessing when I come out the other side they’re will be strong, solid support waiting to catch me and help me to recuperate.
I am on the cusp of another huge leap in faith. I am on the axis of yet another evolutionary turn, a fundamental CHANGE in my life. I feel it coming on, seeing it up there on the road.
I am blessed to be here… yet again a feeling of being blessed to be alive and approaching yet another watershed moment.
Mojuba Oludumare! Mefererun Egun! Mojuba Orunmilla! Mojuba Osun! Mojuba Yemoja! Mojuba Gbogbo Orisa!
I have come to the last spasm in a cycle, and I am strengthened by the love all around me.
I am scared. Scared to the marrow of my bones, but I am not so scared to reach out for something with both hands and hold on, hold on, hold on. I have to hold on for my babies, my old people to come again, hold on for my husband to be, hold on for all the work I must do.
I see the road I’ve walked and the road I am still walking, and for the first time clarity is there, all I am waiting for is blessing and ritual. It’s all starting to make sense for the first time in a long time.
What also comes back to me strongly is a warning I got in divination earlier this year, that I paraphrase here “If you want to do something, don’t talk about it until it’s done or you’ll have doubts and it will lead to it remaining unfinished.”
This is perhaps the biggest thing I’ve attempted in my life. This happening, this event, this momentous discovery of the sweetest, greatest opportunity I’ve ever been presented with, is the kind of thing I would have blogged in a heartbeat, but this unwillingness to divulge in and of itself is remarkable and rare.
The thing is, this thing isn’t as mundane as fuck, an argument, a