A Conversation Delayed

kith & kingetting betterWimbeldon — Video On Demand from Homechoice.co.ukI have a phone card, and I’m supposed to call my father this weekend. We need to talk, he and I. We have to talk about the will, the house, the music, the manuscripts, the books, the drums, and how eh wants to be buried.
It’s a conversation I can’t delay, but I’m really dreading it. The little girl part of me doesn’t want to deal with my Papi dying, but the woman knows this needs to be done.

I still so worried about money. I feel so lonely. I feel like I’ll never have strong company in this struggle of mine, this sweet freedom struggle. Girlfriends are great, but I need strong male support in my life, and I simply have never had it, don’t know what it feels like, have no concept of what it means to me, other than this seemingly unattainable blessing.

I am feeling as though I will never, ever, ever get to a pure happy place. This thing with my father is hanging over my head… and there’s nothing I can do to change it.

With my father gone, I wonder how my relationships with men will change.

Last year, just before I gave up my San Juan flat, I went to see my father. It was in the middle of the drama with my former spiritual mother, and the worst of the attacks against me by my enemies.

I hadn’t seen my father in almost a year, and when I walked in, he does what he always does… he didn’t really react. I came in and sat down, and he lay on the floor in front of the tiny television, and I started to tell him about what I was going through.

He jumped up and said, “You don’t need to tell me anymore. I already know.”

He walked straight to the huge room divider he had built when I was a baby, as though he knew exactly what he was looking for and where it was, when he found it he came to me. He reached out and took my hand and put a silver band on my ring finger.

“Do not take it off,” he said sternly. “DO NOT TAKE IT OFF.”

I looked down and say the delicate flowers in the design.

“Do not take it off until a man replaces it with his own ring.”

And on my finger it remains.

Okay… I’m going to call him now. (Grimaces.)

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sungoddess

mermaid, dayo's mama, water priestess, writer, web developer, omo yemoja, dos aguas, obsessive reader, sci-fi fan, trini-bajan, combermerian, second life, music, music, music!