I’m staying home from work today. I cannot think, I cannot focus properly.
My father’s condition has me scattered and stressed, and I don’t think I could deal with people, the commute, work in addition to that. I should be stronger than that, not let anything slow me down, especially not my dyed-in-the-wool, card carrying, dues paying reprobate known as my father. Except, say what, it’s still my father and I’m still his only daughter and I am thousands of miles away.
I feel helpless, powerless to stop or change anything and that in itself is difficult to come to grips with. I have no power in this situation.
I cannot go home, because my father would throw off whatever it is, and when I’m on the plane leaving he’d give his ghost up.
This is coming out piecemeal, forgive me. But now, all the tears I’ve been holding back for two days are coming. I don’t know what to do. I feel completely disassembled by this. This I wasn’t expecting, and while we all have to die, I wanted my father to see my children and be there at my wedding, etc. etc. I suppose there’s nothing new, he’s never been there for any other major event in my life, but not because he was dead.
He’s not dying tomorrow…. but my brother doesn’t expect him to last the rest of the year. He’s moving around, engaged, but my brother says he is visibly deteriorating; and a lot faster than before.
My father is 65, almost 66.