Okay, so I’ve been freaking out a little.
I’m trying to keep my head together, rather than devolve into tears at every turn.
I can’t help myself sometimes; the tears do come, but I don’t let them or fear take me over too much.
I am trying not to worry myself into an ulcer.
Today, my cousin went to court or something. They (and it’s an amorphous ‘they’ at that) are threatening to take away her house.
She doesn’t have enough money to renew her road tax for her car (£40), but last weekend managed to buy her daughter a £50 camera phone, after said daughter blatantly and willfully manipulated my cousin into doing so. Chile, meh never see nutten so. If it was my mother, after the second whine she would’ve cussed me and told me ‘that’s that’. And it usually was. But I witnessed it, and couldn’t believe it. The child (the girl) does no dishes, no laundry, does not do any chores that I can see.
See, part of the thing is, my cousin could be me. I could be her. If I had made different choices I could be where she is.
Personally, I don’t understand why she won’t go and get a job. She’s a registered nurse for God’s sake!
So, I’ve been in deep observation, because when she takes pot shots at me, I say nothing or very little and this is probably why I’m having stomach problems. I have sat back and watched this woman’s wretched life, and the thing is, she’s always moaning about ‘Why does my life have to be like this?” or “Why can’t I find anything?”
It’s always at the tip of my tongue to say, “Your life is like this, because you keep making fucked up choices and not learning from your mistakes.”
“You can’t find anything because this house is filthy and disorganised.”
But I never do, because more than once I couldn’t help myself, my grandmother and mother’s training came out of my mouth and I corrected her daughter a couple of times, and she (the cousin) looks at me, then rushes in to defend the kid, although, what the child was doing was clearly against all I had been taught to do. How can you give a child what you yourself don’t have?
So I keep my mouth shut. I also refuse to go crazy and clean the house from top to bottom, although it’s an urge I’ve had to suppress more than once. I won’t do it, because it’s not my job to save these people. Is it?
I do what I can, when I can, with what I can, right?
I doan business with that. Besides, even if I did set the house to rights, the fundamental ‘home training’ is missing and within days all will revert to filth and squallor.
So I am pissed off with my cousin, because I can’t believe she’s such a cop out. It’s like she doesn’t even what to take responsibility for herself.
Chile, I could tell stories.
Thank God for my dead tree journal. I’ve been pouring my frustrations into it, and well, there’s no one hour limit on access to it, so the posts there are longer and more detailed.
I am trying to get into London over the weekend.
Don’t know how I’m getting the money just yet, but there’s a London-based Santeria group meeting (casually, not for ritual or prayers per se) and I want to be there.
Besides, two of the best friends I’ve made since I’ve been in England are going to help me with a White Bath. To settle the energies around me, to bring clarity etc.
All I’m trying to do is keep holding on to my faith, and every morning, every night I pray for deliverance from all this, and for my living in England to begin.
I just don’t think I have it in me to give up.
Much love to Prettytrini for the donation to the cause. That’ll go to getting Tribe back alive….
Keep those prayers and good thoughts coming. Trying to keep my own negative thoughts at bay. Don’t want those negative thought forms to get too much shape.