Chiquitita, You And I Know….

I don’t know when things between me and my mother changed, but I’m glad it did.

She has become my rock over the last few months. She’s been calling me a couple times a week to make sure I’m alright, she’s been helping me with money, even though I know things are rough with her right now.

It’s just so reassuring to know she’s got my back. For the first time in my life, I know this. She even tells me she loves me! Unheard of demonstration of affection.

The healing I had been praying for, has begun. She has begun to heal, she’s begun to be my MOTHER for the first time in years.

I remember almost a year ago, when moonboymac first started visiting my blog and I was writing about my dramas with my mother, he told me she’d come around. I argued against it, but here she is, coming around.

It is beautiful.

To grow up an emotionally abandoned child, only wanting my mother to be my mother, for her to love me; enduring ‘crazy’ episodes and not understanding where my mother’s anger was coming from and to finally get what I’ve wanted after all these years, a sane, growing, loving mother is a little amazing. It’s a little strange too, but that isn’t that kind of post.

What is more, to know that she credits me with pushing her into health, into healing and forcing her to deal with her life differently, makes it even more meaningful.

I am glad I could do that for her. I am glad I could fight for her when no one else would, not even her. I am glad that she knows that no matter what went down between us, I always and only ever wanted the best for her.

We’ve come a long way from accusing each other of hating one another.

I am glad I could facilitate her escape from the morass of her past. She has helped me to do the same, and never, EVER in my life have I felt as close to her as I do now with the Atlantic Ocean between us.

She is stronger now… and I love seeing it.

There is an only Eastern saying, ‘Without your mother, your hands and feet are gone’. For the first time, I have both hands and feet… along with my beautiful, beautiful Mamasita!

My mother says this song, ‘Chiquitita’ by ABBA used to make her cry for years because it reminded her so much of me. My whole life I struggled with the effects of my parent’s split up, with my mother’s depression and her family’s abuse of the both of us. When I was a teenager and recovering from the rape, and the sexual abuse, I was so sad, so angry, struggling to cope. She said she would cry because she wanted me to be happy, but couldn’t articulate her concern in a way that reached me.

It’s funny, but this song makes me cry now, because it reminds me of my Mummy.

I’m not even listening to it, just singing it in my head and it brings tears to my eyes. It’s our anthem for our relationship.

Chiquitita, tell me what’s wrong

You’re enchained by your own sorrow

In your eyes there is no hope for tomorrow

How I hate to see you like this

There is no way you can deny it

I can see that you’re oh so sad, so quiet

Chiquitita, tell me the truth

I’m a shoulder you can cry on

Your best friend, I’m the one you must rely on

You were always sure of yourself

Now I see you’ve broken a feather

I hope we can patch it up together

Chiquitita, you and I know

How the heartaches come and they go and the scars they’re leaving

You’ll be dancing once again and the pain will end

You will have no time for grieving

Chiquitita, you and I cry

But the sun is still in the sky and shining above you

Let me hear you sing once more like you did before

Sing a new song, Chiquitita

Try once more like you did before

Sing a new song, Chiquitita

So the walls came tumbling down

And your love’s a blown out candle

All is gone and it seems too hard to handle

Chiquitita, tell me the truth

There is no way you can deny it

I see that you’re oh so sad, so quiet

Chiquitita, you and I know

How the heartaches come and they go and the scars they’re leaving

You’ll be dancing once again and the pain will end

You will have no time for grieving

Chiquitita, you and I cry

But the sun is still in the sky and shining above you

Let me hear you sing once more like you did before

Sing a new song, Chiquitita

Try once more like you did before

Sing a new song, Chiquitita

Try once more like you did before

Sing a new song, Chiquitita

Maybe it seems corny to some people, maybe people will poke fun at my sentimentality, but you know, empowering my mother has empowered me. Life is simple pleasures and simple joys.

She’s been calling me her best friend, her companion throughout her adult life, and although for me I grew up feeling alone, it means a lot to me that she sees me that way.

Where do we have to go from here? We’ve trawled the bottom of hell together, I’m sure we’re leaving planetary orbit and scaling celestial heights.

Okay… fucking saccharine; and we’re both too pragmatic for too much sentimentality, but my Mummy loves me! She is SAYING she loves me. This is a battle won for me, a battle I fought long and hard…. we both won.

I’m so proud of her, right now, I think I’m going to just have a little happy cry now.

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thegoddessroom

The Vault

sungoddess

mermaid, dayo's mama, water priestess, writer, web developer, omo yemoja, dos aguas, obsessive reader, sci-fi fan, trini-bajan, combermerian, second life, music, music, music!