Officially Broke & Still Holding Up My Head

I’ve been trying not to let it get to me, but being without money is freaking me out.

I went into Maidstone, which is the big town centre around Kent, and was shocked when I got on the bus and discovered it cost me £4.70 to go five miles down the road.

Once I got to Maidstone, I discovered it was going to cost me £21.50 to go to London before 9am, and £12.80 to go after 9am. WTF? A week pass to get into Maidstone will cost £68 a week, and a week pass to travel into London is going to cost me £68.

Of course, this means I’m going to have to find someone I can stay with in London. I think I’m going to have to follow up bluey’s lead and stay with this friend of hers.

I also really need to get a fucking job!

At least here in Kent staying with my cousin, there is broadband Internet access, so I won’t be bored out of my mind. I left all my books in Charlton, and this house is depressingly devoid of anything worth reading, no magazines, nothing.

I’m thinking if I don’t hear about any work this week, I’m going to have to go and work at Tescos. Anything to get a few pounds a week, so I don’t have to feel like a fucking invalid.

I now have close to 60 CVs in circulation, and I’ve been told it take people a while to get going, so I am trying not to be despondent, but it’s hard.

If someone calls me for an interview in London, I’m going to have to borrow money off of my cousin to get up there.

Right now, I am deep into this Change thing.

No matter how open I am to change, the actual process is still painful.

Today, on the way back from Maidstone, I almost burst into tears on the bus.

My mother called me while I was in a shop buying a kebab. It was so good to hear her. She says she’ll send me some money, hopefully by the end of the week (if my client in Barbados would pay her bill!) so at least I hope to get some ease soon. However, not even that will last too long ’round these parts.

I know people said this place was expensive, but hear what, it real expensive no ass!

I went to Tescos today and got a few groceries. This of course means I cannot leave the house for the rest of the week unless I borrow money. If the money from Bim doesn’t come through, then I won’t be leaving the house next week either unless I borrow money.

This is just fucking depressing, no matter which way I slice it.

Did I forget to mention I feel like a fly in rice?

There are no black people out where I am. This house is apparently the only one with black people in it.

Everybody I’ve seen in this gated community, kind of looks at me sideways, it’s kind of unnerving. You can quite literally see the wheels turning in their heads, “Who is this blonde dreadlocked black girl?” (I’m being nice, I know some of them are calling me ‘darkie’.)

That alone is reason enough for me not to stick around to long. When I was in Maidstone, I think I saw four black people the whole afternoon, and I drew many, many looks as I wandered around. That was highly unnerving, I must say.

So there is my report.

I am keeping myself together, but not without a struggle.

BTW: I talked to a couple people about the whole scene last week re: the ‘House Council On Extra Cash” and between us, it wasn’t me. There’s a whole level of hypocrisy in the whole thing and I think that I did the right thing by not pointing it out, because certainly the other chick couldn’t handle it. Monilove…. maybe, but not yet.  I have to rack the whole thing up to experience, but no matter what the two sisters think about my priorities, I felt like I handled the situation the right way.

Right now, I need to find a way to get back into London though. I cannot afford to stay in Kent. Travelling alone will kill my ass.

I need those good vibes people. Thanks to Keefs who kept my spirits up today, along with help from other friends. Happy Birthday Keefs!

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thegoddessroom

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sungoddess

mermaid, dayo's mama, water priestess, writer, web developer, omo yemoja, dos aguas, obsessive reader, sci-fi fan, trini-bajan, combermerian, second life, music, music, music!