I haven’t gotten a job yet, and in short am down to the last of my money.
I’m trying not to worry too much, although the living situation has not improved.
Without going into too much harmful detail, let’s just say, me and these two girls are not compatible living companions. It’s not just the ‘too loud’ commentary, but you know, it’s as much what you’re saying as what you are not saying that tells the whole story.
Neither of these girls are equipped to ‘host’ me. They are both struggling financially, and there’s very little I can do to ease the situation, so it’s trying to be understanding while maintaining my own sense of self-preservation.
Then there is the repeated assertion that they are best friends, and are quite happy to stay just the two of them together, and aren’t keen to take on another roommate.
Then there’s the ‘I’m too loud’ comment, and all it’s implications. I’m too loud in the morning when they’re now waking up, I’m too loud in the evening when they’re trying to unwind from work and I’ve been accused of ‘talking at’ them instead of ‘with’ them. To me it simply means I’m not to talk. Ever.
Even all of these things, I think we were, all of us, willing to work on compromising in order to make the situation work.
I’ve already heard about how much they need a TV room (the room I am currently occupying) and such, it’s hard to feel comfortable when you’re clearly making someone else uncomfortable by virtue of physically being there.
I have a fierce sense of independence, it’s extraordinarily difficult to ask anyone for help, I’m already in a quasi-panic about money, yet, I have still been making my contribution. I’ve bought food to share, smokes to share all that.
Okay, it’s more than even that, I just don’t want to say. It just seems as though I cannot win. There’s nothing I could say or do that will make them comfortable with me, and as much as I say that, I know my personality is ‘large’ and can be overwhelming, so I don’t blame them for being overwhelmed.
However we got into a little confrontation yesterday. Since last week, I knew that if I didn’t start working in some capacity this week, then I would need to go somewhere else, it’s just I’ve had to step it up a week.
The confrontation in my opinion felt like a gang up. To go into too many details in my opinion is like pouring salt in the wound, and I do not want to lose monilove as a friend, I really don’t.
So I’m going to have to find a way to keep my peace, and simply move on.
They were very kind by helping me these last few weeks; certainly they didn’t have to take me in, but I have to draw the line at questioning how I spend my money. That, I will never kowtow to.
If communal decisions are being made about my money — money mind you, I had to endure my pissy ass ex-boss to come by — then I think I deserve full citizen status. Instead, I’ve been walking on egg shells around these two since I arrived. It’s palpable, whether they say it or admit or not. Like I said, it’s very clear that they are not comfortable with my being here, and it’s made me excrutiatingly sensitive and in fact, worried me excessively and led to my release into smoking.
Believe me ya’ll I ain’t vex. Me doan business…. ah not watching no face on the matter.
It’s just these are growing pains for me. I’m in a new country, and I need someone who is in a financial position to let me stay with them without paying rent, without caring one way or another if I buy some smoke instead of submitting that money to the ‘House Committee On Extra Cash’.
So, to this end, I am temporarily saying ‘goodbye’ to London and moving to Kent to stay with my cousin, who has none of these issues.
I suppose it is just as well. I think if we had stayed in the same flat any longer, this would have turned into a great deal of resentment on both sides. Right now I am hurt, I cannot lie. I am hurt because for all their criticism regarding my spending of this ten pounds on smokes, they both smoked. While they are criticising me about how I spend my money, they’ve been spending their own money however they want to up to and including clothes and electronics.
Everything I have had I have shared, even up to and including contributing to the rent, and it seems in a way that it has made no difference. I felt like an interloper, and between me and you, they didn’t exactly put those fears to rest, in more than one way they heightened the sensation of being an outsider and not being welcome. Monilove can only do what she can do, she loves me and I love her, she loves her friend.
I guess now would be the time to discover this incompatibility of outlook. What would have happened once I started the demanding spiritual work I know I must soon begin? What will happen when I put my shrine in my bedroom and ritual, focussed prayer begins? It would simply be a new set of complaints, and well, you know, I just don’t want to lose monilove as a friend, and that’s the direction it’s been going in, no doubt.
Tomorrow night, my cousin M, is going to come get me and it’s off to Kent with me.