I have to tell you I’ve been thinking about PHG (formerly Sweet Thing and still ImFuckingFedUp). Not in a longing kind of way, indeed fucking not. I just keep thinking that me being this happy, right now is the best fucking revenge I could have. I am sad to say, revenge tastes sweet.
The thing is, it’s not just PHG, it’s all those enemies revealed and hidden, who have been working to hold me down and keep me back. Those who took what I had to offer, and then spurned me. Those that spit on all my offerings, those who calculated, schemed and plotted against me.
I think about PHG occasionally, as one makes comparisons on a bar chart in a bench test. I suppose we all do this. I think about him in strange moments, and in my head I’m not nice at all. In my head I laugh at his squandering and his miserly sense of emotional responsibility. I also wonder what he’s doing sometimes. I wonder if he knows how stupid he was to pass on my loving. Other times, I’m just so grateful I was delivered from that situation.
I laugh at his weak-willed cowardice, thinking that only a fool would scorn pussy as good as mine, and loving as strong as mine. However, like I have said almost everyday since I arrived in Trinidad, but usually in reference to bad driving and rude cashiers, head is not brain.
I think to myself, YMK is my reward for not punking out on PHG. YMK is my reward for not giving in to despair, and keeping my head up when others where trying to bring it low.
There’s a part of me that wants him to grind knowing he could have been happy with me and he threw it away. Like that Angie Stone song, “It Could Have Been You,” motherfucker.
It’s kind of weird for me, because none of my ex-lovers, not even TMG who broke my heart completely and totally, do I actually want to suffer or hurt. TMG and I, remain friends (if not close) to this day. That we love each other still and accept each other as is, as well as the fact we aren’t together, shows me that real love conquers all.
All my lovers and I share a bond of friendship. Most of them will tell you they just knew they couldn’t give me what I needed and they regret that. They’ve certainly told me.
PHG, was special. I have no sympathetic feelings for PHG at all; there’s a base part of me that wants him to suffer.
I wonder if he and his little semi-virginal miss are as happy as I am right now? I wonder if they have those blissed out, ah-been-well-fucked feeling? I wonder if they have the newness I have with YMK, and the limitless sense of possibilities.
:sigh: Estrella was right. He came off as being jealous and petty.
I have to go to this place. No true examination of this type of phenomena is complete without comparative study.
No other lover in my experience has been able to unlock my body and it’s secrets like this man.
My last four lovers have to varying degrees satisfied me sexually or emotionally, never both together. To get emotional satisfaction withour sexual satisfaction is somehow hollow to me.
With all four of them my orgasms were ‘nice’. As for sex, the closest to YMK in terms of sexual prowess, stamina and technique and sheer marvellous dick size, is PHG. (Can I stop adding all the ‘formery-Sweet Thing’ and ImFuckingFedUp’ qualifiers now?)
That particular punk, I must admit was a very good fuck. Since that is truly all it turned out to be, I won’t bullshit myself or you about it.
(Author’s note: Since all that happened in this blog’s lifetime, try crawling through the vault from March through September and you will see my writings on the matter in depth,)
No, this is a comparative study, yes? Not because there really is a comparison, but because, I remember what I wrote about how he was a lesson in all I wanted and didn’t want, and how a year later, my words have come to pass precisely. Go read for yourself, it’s all there. The comments sections also have some worthy material to support this discourse as well.
Where were we? Ah yes, PHG was a good fuck. I admit it. Up to that point, I had never experienced sexual satisfaction like that.
The first time we had sex, our first encounter on that level ran well over twelve hours long. Of course, we weren’t having sex all that time, but we certainly went at it more than once during that period.
The orgasms that had eluded my life in my early twenties, bloomed and burst out of me. He seemed to know about those spots, and he really was a good fuck. I came, many times.
After he….. :small laugh: ‘withdrew’, the sex was the part I missed the most. For months I wrote about my sexual longing and I remember telling a friend, that I was afraid that I was never going to find anyone who knew my body like that, or knew how to produce that sensation, those sensations in it, She shook her head and she said, “Don’t say that girl. You’ll find someone. Not only that, you’ll find someone else and he’ll do it better than that one ever did. Trust me.”
Well from my friend’s mouth to Mama Osun’s ears. Barring a seriously disappointing one night stand back in September, that I did mostly out of horniness (lackado if you like) and to see if I could fuck someone else, my experience with YMK has obliterated everything from my past in terms of relationships, sexual or otherwise.
Here’s the things you’ll never read me admitting before now. Sex with PHG hurt me. I didn’t know what it was, but I’ve learnt to see it as a metaphor, a derivative of the main theme in our non-relationship thingy. I mean it hurt me so that afterwards I’d be so sore, chafed and bruised, urinating stung. Somehow, during the act, although I was aware of it happening, he felt good in other places so it didn’t matter. After though, I paid a price physically for our sex.
KSS was like that. For weeks afterwards, I felt muscles in my thighs that KSS had managed to reach, not with his dick mind you, but from spreading my legs apart as wide as he could and well, you know how it goes. Don’t you? The point is, sex with KSS was brutally rough and very kinky, but even that was pleasurable in a way, and well I came, multiple times.
RBB, was an emotional satisfaction-type relationship, and sexually we misconnected early on, despite an earlier sexual heat. However, in terms of relationships, we were together about a year and has been the longest I’ve been with someone. Say what, our relationship wasn’t perfect, but we loved each other. Some things just don’t work out.
One of the most common occurrences in my ‘relationships’, are false starts. You know, the two who have pushed past the first couple of months, were either emotionally or sexually inept. YMK has managed not to do either. Emotionally we grow closer and well sexually….
Sex with him gets rough sometimes. I like it rough sometimes and I’m a thick girl; I’m built to take that kind of licks you know…. that kind of licks I can take.