I am at a loss. I want to write about YMK and what is going on between us, but I am having a lot of trouble putting things into words at the moment. Again, it’s that not wanting to commit these things to paper or to binary.
Things are in such a state of flux at the moment that I find to talk about these things, and to try to express my feelings at this time would be to dilute them, lessen them somehow.
I would rather not diffuse this relationship just yet. I sense that there is more going on between us, and deeper levels being reached for, but since I can’t really admit how I feel to myself, trying to admit how I feel here seems fucking pointless.
I do have an intellectual prespective, an interest on a biological, physiological level, and definitely on a spiritual, sexual level find myself considering him. I mean, really considering him. I just can’t tell you how I feel. It’s as though my heart and my feelings are in bubblewrap, and I’m afraid to burst the seal.
There must be something to the way we feel comfortable with each other, how we seem to understand each other. I am feeling something, am feeling things, but they’re so alien and different from what I am accustomed to, that I really mean it when I say, I do not know how to fully describe them.
Is it lust? Certainly, our sex has started to become these strumming, thrumming, vibratory experiences, lush and redolent. Then there are these animal sessions, where my foot can’t get high enough, and we sound like the cats who’ve taken to sexing outside my window the last week or two. (Picking up on all the vibes going down in my bed, I wonder?)
It’s not just that the sex is good either, it’s becoming more emotional, more satisfying somehow. I have never had an extended period of sexual activity, and it’s been now weeks and weeks of regular sex, and I understand how easy it is to get hooked on it, believe me.
Is it love? I’m not sure, and am very hesitant to even hazard a guess. The thing is, unless I leave, I suspect he will never know how much he feels for me, or I for him. I think the only way we will be able to face and admit what is happening between us, is when the distance between us is an ocean wide. We could never take the easy route and admit it when we’re just feet away from each other. Our conversations are so telling…. we tell all without revealing anything.
So for now, I’m just keeping my peace. I’m going ahead, packing and preparing to leave.
Remember I said I was ripe for a surprise? I think YMK might be the one to surprise me, but I’m being very careful not to allow myself to rush onto my sword. I am being ruthless when it comes to maintaining my perspective, if only for the fact that I am deathly afraid of making the same mistake I made with PHG, which was feel too much based on nothing.
In this case, he’s already shown his quality. He’s a bad boy, yeah I know I said that, but he’s a good boy too.
Me, the only thing I know for sure is that I’m going to England. I think if we do look at our relationship again, it will be on the other side of that fact.
I think we both need time to figure out what we want.
My feelings are diaphanous at best, and the only thing keeping me straight right now is getting on the plane, and going to England.