It’s All Starting To Feel Too Real

This is getting real.

I’ve sold my fridge and my stove, and have enough money I think to finally get the British High Commission to grant my visa.

Once the visa is in my passport, I can apply for jobs, I can book my flight, I can you know, leave my apartment, resign from my job, seriously commit to packing my shit.

I have, for the most part, radically cut back on my spending. Avoided situations where I’ve had to spend money, and have only spent money on offerings, rituals, food for my body, and travel to and from work. Basic necessities.

It’s been almost two months since my last cigarette. Somehow, from somewhere, it seems like my prayers are being answered. What I need, to get where I need to go, is coming.

I have three weeks to leave this apartment. Three more weeks of YMK living within stone’s throw distance of me, three more weeks of Living-In-Trinidad-Independence, and all that has meant to me.

It hardly seems like a year since I wrote about signing my lease, moving in, and settling into this place. Now I must face leaving. Yeah, yeah it’s my choice, but you know, it’s never the choice, always the aftermath, how you handle things, own your shit, throwaway what no longer works, keep all that truly matters. It’s all part of my fabric.

It’s hard, I’ve sacrificed so much to live here, and every month–well except this one, but then I paid that upfront–the money to pay for this place has come from the kind Universe. Yes, I know I got off my ass and forced myself to go to work, but in truth, it came from somewhere, and in my opinion, I really did very little work to have it.

In almost every way, this place has been my pace, my space, even though I’ve spent the last year sitting on my bed, (I told ya’ll, I have no other furniture to speak of.)

For me, living here has been an experience of living by the grace of Osun. In truth, everything about getting this apartment, and paying my rent on time, and living here has been an experience of my Mama’s work in my own life. The building is this coral-type, peachy coloured thing, and there is green trim all around it. You may not know it, but the peachy colour is one they say is one of Osun’s colours, but you know, it depends on who you talk to.

Then there was the whole scene with the bee hive outside of my window, and the large number of butterflies always flying around my yard.

Living here, has been one of the greatest examples of Mama Osun making sure I was taken care of, in comfort and surrounded with beauty both subtle and overt. I have been very grateful for the experience and as such have begun to mourn the place. My apartment is pretty, a nice place and a lot of room for one person. I think I could easily live here for several more years, it’s just not in the cards for me.

My landlord did say if I was coming back and wanted to get the place again, he’d be willing to facilitate me, we’ll see you know? My landlord also mentioned more than once that he was sorry to see me go, because I was a good tenant, so at least I’m not burning my bridges behind me.

Not at my job either, things have been moving forward quite apace. I am getting to work early every day, and working hard, being quite efficient and such.

I am also trying to find the strength to say good bye to YMK. It’s only a few more weeks, and we’ll have distance between us, and then I’ll just keep moving further and further away.

He does mention he wants to come to England, and he does say he wonders how he could find a way to make money in Trinidad, and live somewhere else. I can see his brain working.

I’m afraid of what this thing with him and his now ex-girlfriend, could mean between us. I am afraid that it may not mean as much as we would like to think. I’m wondering if he and I can find a way to remain friends, and what it could mean if he really means what he says about coming to visit me once I’m in England.

Somehow, I am a little sceptical. Not because I don’t think he’s capable, it’s just I’ve watched him over the last several weeks, and I know he’s not ready for me yet. Also, I’m hesitant to push him into making a choice that he may regret later. Maybe I think he should miss me for a little, before deciding whether or not he’s going to come to visit me.

I want him to surprise me though. I think I am ripe for a man to surprise me.

April 11-18 The Week Of The Pioneer (Aries III)
August 11 – 18 The Week of Leadership (Leo III)

Aries III and Leo III occupy a position trine to each other (120 degrees apart in the zodiac,) so conventional astrology predicts an easy relationship between them. But this is rarely the case. These two strong individuals both want to involve themselves in the world, and the main theme of their relationship will always be the search to identify and achieve objectives. The search, moreover, will always be as important as the achievement, if not more so. The consequence is that these two arouse each other’s competitive instincts like few other matchups in the year. Bringing out the worst in each other (as well as the best,) they find it extremely hard to achieve a true sense of unity. Both are born leaders, and should they be able to function together in an executive capacity, they are capable of leading any group, company, social or sports endeavour to new heights, and of inspiring commitment and drive in those who work for them. It is equally possible however, that their power struggles will tear their projects apart, and that their ego struggles will prevent them from focussing on the common good.
Leo III’s are extremely difficult to get close to emotionally. In love and marriage, they require extremely understanding partners and mates, and Aries III’s don’t always have the time or inclination (but often do have the psychological talent) to unravel the mysteries of their darker side. Still, in times of need and trouble, Aries III’s may be among the few people Leo III’s can turn to in order to relieve their pain and torment.
Children of this pair may not find either parent very empathic, but generally speaking, Aries III’s make the more sympathetic parent of these two; Leo III’s are prone to spoiling their favourite child, and can thus arouse antagonistic jealousy not only in their other children, but in their mate as well. Family confrontations between Leo III’s and Aries III’s may be real knock-down, drag-out affairs that leave other relatives out of breath or exhausted. Such battles arise often, particularly over issues of power, with Aries III’s proceeding more out of ideological motives and Leo III’s out of more personal ones.

Advice: Leaders should never forget their constituency. Listen to what others say about you. Don’t be afraid to admit errors. Stay unified.

Adapted From: The Secret Language of Relationships, Goldschneider and Elffers

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sungoddess

mermaid, dayo's mama, water priestess, writer, web developer, omo yemoja, dos aguas, obsessive reader, sci-fi fan, trini-bajan, combermerian, second life, music, music, music!