Right now, despite the fact I am still struggling to find motivation regarding going into the office on a daily basis, I am in a good place.
I called this morning about going to get my guard. I have to go and get measured and then offering has to be made to seal and empower it. The girl has to call me back and tell me what time to come.
However, I’ve slipped back into a hesitant silence with my Ancestors. I get the feeling I shouldn’t bother them if I don’t finish the things they’ve asked me to do. Also, I really need to prepare a feast for them before I leave Trinidad, and I suspect I will need real time to devote to divining all they want and need to be a part of this feast. Alternately, I have been learning about ritual, and ritual tools and mechanisms. I have been figuring out how to build my own personal rituals, trying, experimenting with the methodologies. I have been working to empower myself this way.
My enemy. As much as I pray for her upliftment, and for her release, is no doubt still working on me, and I can feel the strength of her hate clawing and scrabbling to find purchase. It is worrying fresh defences, that in places only cover a membrane deep. Also, the sense of her rotten-to-the-core, greedy and arrogance is quite grating.
I’m beginning to see her as part of a system of racism in my daily life. I feel her hate across rooms, it’s a dark energy that prowls the same halls as I do, and I’ve been continuing to do it with nothing more than my own strengths and hastily built shields.
I am very anxious about the guard. I believe the blackout is part of this. The worst of the attack has been deflected, but what did female boss in Princess Mononoke say, “A wolf’ss head cut off can still bite.”
So I’m beginning to realise, despite my reprieve, I must not become complacent. I’ve been following Astra’s advice and taking lavender, rosemary and salt baths. I try to take at least one a week, and sometimes I add other oils to the bath water, Come To Me, Lovers, Sandalwood, Patchouli, Jasmine… other things.
So I’ve been maintaining my spirits. Right now, I am trying to manage my desperation to get away from work and the grind of getting up, pressing clothes and going down in to close quarters with the enemy, in a building full of recycled air.
It’s been six weeks since my last cigarette. Also since my last bath. The process I started is coming to fruition. My hacking, and slashing away at the remnants of the enemy’s hate and frustration, manifesting and manifested in and around my person and etheric body, is almost at an end.
The MD at work asked me a couple of days ago, “Why do you want to leave your career and stability, and just take off like that.”
I hesitated…. choosing the words I wanted to say, a million thoughts running through my mind. Before I could formulate a diplomatic and deflecting answer, he did it for me.
“I know, you like and want adventure,” shifting in his chair and settling again.
“Yes sir. That is definitely part of it,” I replied. How could I explain to him?
“I also want to grow and develop. I want to study as well, and I find that the options in the Caribbean too limiting. It’s also just time to go. Before some man marries me, and gives me babies, and all my travelling days are over.”
He took this with a straight face.
Could I tell him the list of reasons was a mile long?
Before anyone points out I’m too eager, I’ve been dealing with all these feelings of loss as well. As I drive down Eastern Main Road to get to work, I am surrounded by all the things that make Trini, Trini, and on a level, it’s hard because I know I will miss this world.
I keep thinking, I’m going to come back for Carnival next year. I keep thinking, I can never leave out Trinidad, because it’s the one place in the world I officially belong to. My navel string is buried here. My ancestors are the original Trinidadians.
It’s just my list of reasons to stay is shorter than the list to go.
Things with the Young Mr K, have cooled considerably. I know part of it is he is trying not to be too predictable, he likes to keep people guessing. I also sense that the two weeks we were up to mischief, he really had to blow off a lot of his life’s regular activities to accommodate what we were doing.
Also, I know he fancies himself such a player. I get the feeling he knows he can’t play me and damn it, these are the breaks when you’re a challenge.
So in our case at least, reality has caught up with us both. I am getting quite horny too ya’ll, and I wasn’t kidding. Either the Young Mr K steps up and delivers, or Big Mami going to look around and see what else is piquing. And you know me pickney, something(one) is always piquing….