See how a dick can make you stupid, foolish, lazy?
Two weeks since the Young Mr K and I had sex, and not only has my post average fallen, almost all my posts seem to involve him some how. It’s disgusting.
On Monday, I was a little annoyed. I came home to see the Young Mr K, walking his girlfriend to a taxi. About twenty minutes later, he came over, hung out for fifteen minutes and then went to the gym.
Now, you know, Big Mami have to admit she is part angel. I admit it okay, but I’m still a woman. When he came over, I was more than a little annoyed. I think I was a little jealous.
After the gym, he came back over and we talked. He gives me a nicely put together speech about he feels that the same way there’s a reason why I am in his life, he feels he has a similar purpose in his girlfriend’s life.
I said nothing. Didn’t answer at all.
“So what do you have nothing to say?” he asked.
“I’m processing what you said.”
Silence for five minutes more, then “Still processing.”
“Hey! It may take two hours, it may take two days, it may take two months.” I replied.
The conversation dwindled and disintegrated and I drifted into that half-asleep place, while he curved himself into my body, and laid his head on my breast and took a nap himself.
Last night, I got home before six o’clock, and called him to tell him I was home, he said he was going to come and ‘check me’. At 9.30pm, he still hadn’t showed. He lives across the street, so I know it wasn’t distance causing his no show.
I called him back to find out what the fuck had happened. It turns out he was working on his car, and “was just about to go by meh cousin to get some tools.”
“What?” I asked. In my head, I’m going, “So you couldn’t just pick up the phone and let me know what was going on?”
“Tools… you know tools?” he replied.
“Right…” I replied.
“So you’re working on your car.” I said, not a question, rather a matter of fact.
“Yeah…” he said in a slightly ‘down’ kind of way.
“Well I just wanted to know if I could turn off my lights and go to sleep,” I replied.
“Ay, I’m sorry I couldn’t make it over there tonight.” He said.
I had to force myself not to toss a bitter, “Whatever,” at him.
“Is no scene.” I said, as lightly as could manage.
“Goodnight.” he said.
I hung up the phone.
I must admit that I’ve been slightly paralysed. Not by Mr K, no… it’s been my own fear of walking away from my life. Walking away from comfort and the pleasure of living in this part of the world.
So, I’ve been lapsing. I had not taken in my application to the British High Commission.
That changed. Yesterday morning, I took in all my documents, photocopies, passport pics and such. I have one more piece of documentation to get, evidence of funds before they can process my application. My auntie said she would help me with that, because right now my money is tied up in appliances, electronics and such.
So once they have that, I’ll probably have to go through a short a interview before they grant me the visa.
Now, I know what you might be thinking.
You’re thinking because of Mr K’s little brush off, I’m ready to roll. However, those of you who know me, know I’ve been ready to roll for years.
I can’t explain why I was sticking. I have no language to explain it.
I guess right now the point is, I’m not sticking any more.
Mr K and I are not in love. We’re more than in lust, but we’re not in love. I know he won’t change for me, and I’m not inclined to have him change to please me.
What is more, despite him asking me to stay, asking me to be a part of his life, what is he offering? Love, devotion and consideration? No, I think his girlfriend has dibs on that. No, at best I’ll be his mistress of sorts, and you know I will never take that for long.
So, this is where I am now. Resigned. Resigned that I must continue on and do what I supposed to. Que sera, sera.
Now, the confusing part now, is whether I should take him on at all. What should I do? Should I just continue taking my pleasure while I can get, when I can get it? Should I break it off now, and spare us both? Should I just continue to take him as it comes, or should I actively seek to influence him?
I feel salty this morning.