I Want My Space Back

Not for nothing, but almost every single day that he has been here, my brother has reminded me why I don’t like living with him.

Our family’s place in St James, is free. My mean spirited aunt that is usually here for Carnival, is no longer there. Supposedly, her being here is the reason why he had to come up here.

It’s just, I can’t take this too much longer. I want back my apartment. I want back my space.

He’s too comfortable here. He does this dismissal thing I am uncomfortable with and while things between his girlfriend and I have warmed up, I am just too overwhelmed. Right now, I feel drained all the time, and tired. I also have no control over certain things, it’s not that I expect complete control. But both he and his girlfriend do things without asking my permission, and ‘assume’ to much, and ultimately, the bottom line is, they said three weeks, it’s been closer to six. I feel like I am being taken for granted… it’s just too much; too many people to cope with.

I just want my fucking apartment back!

When I try to talk to my brother about it, he either brakes from the conversation or he will actually nastily reply, “We’re not staying here.” But they are. I feel as though I am being forced into a protective, defensive stance, because when I try to explain concepts to my brother like, ‘personal space’, ‘privacy’, ‘respect’, it’s like talking to a wooden inanimate object, that only comes to life when I question his maturity and sensitivity to herk and jerk like a puppet being played, insecurity the fibre of the puppet master’s control. Can’t talk to him about that either, because he takes such offence. And he curses me. Can you imagine paying rent on a house and getting cursed in it? By someone who doesn’t have the good sense to be grateful to have a sister who did her duty and provided space to live in? Why can’t he do his duty and find somewhere else to go, post haste.

He gives me this story, that my father says the ‘Aunts’ won’t approve of them living in St James, at the family house. I am thinking to myself, why listen to or take on hypocrites? They who have done all manner of things in their lifetimes? Besides, they cannot determine those things. A family is a family, and if he is part of it, they have no right to deny any of them. Besides the house is absolutely empty. Bullshit, bullshit and more bullshit. Blah!!!

All I want to put across is that three weeks is a far cry from six, and it’s his responsibility both to me and his little family, to make us all as comfortable as possible. Right now, Everybody is sleeping on the floor in one room, and I cannot imagine he enjoys this, but he’s the kind of person that picks the path of least resistance in almost everything except music. There are things wrong on so many levels, and I don’t mind helping out, but I cannot cope with this overbearing shit either.

This morning I tried to discuss with him how I felt, and he first ignored as usual, and then cursed me out. When I accuse him of ungratefulness and such, his response is to assert that he isn’t staying here, “Who would want to live with you?!” He called me a bitch (again, like it’s a bad thing) and told me to shut the fuck up and stop confusing him.

I am feeling more than a little worn out. I, ultimately feel as though, sacrificing my peace of mind and my comfort, is an easier proposition for my brother than standing on his own two goddamned feet. When I bring it up, everything I say gets twisted and turned into something else. Or he just ignores me which is more annoying than I can write down.

Argghhh…… I don’t know why I felt this time would be substantially different. Every time I have lived with my brother, we have these issues. At least he isn’t as bad as he was five years ago.

I’m just afraid that the energy my brother is sucking from me, is coming at a time I can least afford it. At least, money wise, there hasn’t been a leaking going on, which in this case, is very different from our past history. Even then, all else is too familiar, not for alarm bells to be clanging and gong-ing everyday this living arrangement continues.

My brother has this way of guilt tripping me, and emotionally bullying me into doing what he wants. To stop the attack, I have to give in, or lose my mind; get angry and start throwing things, which I will not do. So I end up in these situations….

I just want my apartment back. I want my space back.

I want to be this unselfish person who doesn’t feel these things, but I am selfish. When I offered them a place to stay, it was under the understanding that it was only to be for a short time. Now that that is stretching and growing into something else, I find what I reserved for dealing with the invasive experience of living with my brother to have worn down and worn away.

I just don’t want this to turn into a fight, and I wish I could make him understand that it’s not that I don’t love him, it is that I can’t take his energy (which is negatively polarised) for long periods, and that having all these people on top of me is draining and exhausting me at a time, when I am at zero, operating out of deficit.

I just don’t know how to make him understand; I don’t even know if he cares or hears.

——-

Long ago, my family–my mother, brother and myself–sussed we could stay in the same abode for any length of time. Our personalities and movements conflict with one another too much.

We jokingly say, “The three of us can’t live in a house together, and it’s better not to be on the same land mass together.” But it’s true.

We relate to each other better at a distance and take each other’s company in small doses far and few between.

It’s not that we don’t love each other. It’s just our personalities are too big, too encompassing and overwhelming to expose each other to the ‘Lord’ effect, without either protection or plans for swift departures from the condition.

:sigh: This morning I had to raise my voice, and it’s the first time really, shouting has happened in this house. I don’t like that.

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thegoddessroom

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sungoddess

mermaid, dayo's mama, water priestess, writer, web developer, omo yemoja, dos aguas, obsessive reader, sci-fi fan, trini-bajan, combermerian, second life, music, music, music!