Smotty showed me JS love…. smotty showed me JS love!!! I am so fussy… but what a great way to start a day!
A friend of mine asked me to go up to Barbados for a couple of days to take some books and things for another chick; someone I went to Community College with more than ten years ago.
I am smoking my last cigarette, and I am at the point where I’m hoping that my last cigarette would be my last cigarette… I am starting to hate ciagrettes… I’m going to quit so fucking hard just fucking now, watch and see.
Yesterday, my life-long best friend (we’ve been friends for 28 years) went down to Chaguanas to see a Priestess… someone outside of and far away from the ile I’ve been involved with. I need real help to overcome the attack, to cleanse and reach a level of purification, a position of strength from which to fight. I have come to realise that the ile I have been in, cannot give me that.
I felt I had to do it, because on a real fundamental level, I mistrust the members of my ile. At least the three elders.
Not because I think they’re malicious (and I mean that in the true sense of the word, not the West Indian sense of it); I don’t sense malice in them at all. However, there is a lot of jostling for power, a lot of ‘I don’t like this body’ and I don’t like the dynamics of how they interact with other people in the community here. I find myself constantly saying to myself, but if you believe the things you say, HOW can you say such and such about so and so. How can you say so and so to me!
I have also noticed how quick they are to call me when they need me to come and do something or go somewhere, but when it comes to me needing someone to help me defeat the attack I am under, it’s like I am almost begging for crumbs. I don’t get the feeling that they would go out of their way for me, and I feel as though if I was paying for their help they would do it, but because I don’t have money to throw their way, it’s never a convenient time for us to talk or to actually see about my shit, and I keep struggling on without any real help.
Apart from that, I don’t like the way they talk to me. The things the say to me expose a kind of insensitivity that I don’t want to harden me, or disillusion me. I also don’t think they take me seriously and I have the feeling, always, that they are seeing me and not seeing me. I say things, and they have a dismissive attitude towards me. I suppose there is only so much of that a person can take before you start to go potty and doubt yourself and what you are doing.
Please understand, it’s not that I think I know more about Orisa than them. However I know myself better than they do, and more important in this case, I am realising that there are some fundamental connections that they ought to be making in thought, speech and action that just don’t seem to be happening. How much more could I really learn from them, if I have already grasped those conceptual connections and they don’t seem to.
It’s like the situation when we made the offering of the goat. I started to cry, and their attitude was I shouldn’t cry and have sympathy for the animal. I hope when I die, whether it’s in sacrifice for a greater cause, or at home in bed surrounded by family, that someone will mourn my passing. For them to tell me that I don’t understand what we were doing, showed me that they didn’t really understand what they were doing.
When I came to Trinidad in 2002, I was sitting in my father’s two room flat in St. James, and I told him about what Astra said about needing these cleansing baths and protection against this ongoing attack from my enemy. He told me to put on my shoes, and took me immediately to Big Mama Kambiri’s house, introduced me, and although I was only in Trinidad for a few days, she found the time to take me to this river far in the East of the island.
There she gave me a bath. I don’t know if it’s one of the baths Astra prescribed, but I got a bath. I wasn’t sure I wanted to fall wholesale into any particular religion or philosophy, I just needed help.
By the time I moved down to Trinidad, and started to go and look for Big Mama Kambiri, what was a search fuelled by help to get over and defeat the ongoing (still going) attack against me, turned into a whole learning experience with Orisa, Ifa and the community.
I’ve taken detours that were not planned, and not all of these detours have been fruitful.
I will always say that I learned a lot. I experienced a lot and what I have gone through has strengthened my faith in God, even as it has reshaped the experience of interacting with God and the energies around this planet. What it has done is give me more language to describe, to utilise, to communicate with that divine energy.
However, the thing that is leaving a very bad taste in my mouth is my experience within the community.
My thoughts have always been, that a community that lives by the agreed principles is a wonderful thing and seriously rare. However, my own knowledge of human history and my own personal experience has led me to accept that I don’t do well in groups, organised religion or with hypocrisy in all it’s forms. I am just not a joiner.
I’ve tried. I find things, groups I think are doing great work; I join and then I realise it only looks that way from the outside, become disillusioned and drop out. So this is certainly not new.
Look at our own societies, just as there are no truly communist countries on planet Earth, there aren’t any real democratic societies either. Both of these systems practised according to the tenets laid out, would be great and wonderful societies free from the constant sense of deprivation most of them currently fuel. No one really lives by the things they say they do. For me, the disparities are too much.
To go into all the details about what and why and all that shit, would be at this point a rehashing and smacking a little too much like justification, or hypocrisy. I’ve been writing for months that I had questions about some of the things that have been going on around me and my movements through the Orisa community here in Trinidad.
I don’t sense malice in the actions of the elders of the ile I’ve been participating in. I don’t think they are trying to hurt me. However, I do sense a real palpable insecurity and need to control me, which I neither appreciate or can afford to subscribe to.
I tried it. I don’t like it. I’m not getting involved like this again. I am withdrawing to my own abode, and pray for the right teachers. They taught me some things, but it’s just not stuff I think is extremely vital to the current situation in my life, and like I said, their recalcitrance regarding actually HELPING me, is enough for me to realise the dismissal bell, the train’s whistle, the 3pm ‘school’s out’ bell has been ringing off the fucking hook.
Big Mami has to move on!
I guess the only thing that is giving me pause at this time is talking to Iya. I don’t know how to tell her, how to say what I have to say and not hurt her feelings. She is one of the sweetest people I know, and she’s been nice to me, if not particularly helpful. I don’t want to hurt her, I really don’t, but I just don’t have time and energy to devote to a wasted effort.