I am becoming popular. I have been accused of this before. I have never liked it, because I think of myself as a loner of sorts.
However, I have been adopted as a Den Mother for a litter of cubs. It’s this little clique at work. We hang out in the parking lot, smoking cigarettes and gossiping. They laugh at the things I say, apparently I’m funny. I’ve been accused of that before too.
I enjoy their company, they’re all interesting in odd ways. I tell them stuff, share a perspective of the world that they have never contemplated, but I guess they need to hear at least. The conversations have been very interesting. Of course, all kinds of people come down to the car park, The Voice from upstairs in the radio station(s), the accounts clerks downstairs, you know how it is. It’s not just the youngwings, but that’s who I’ve been liming with. Most of them are who I went down to Mayaro with last Saturday.
I guess part of what is interesting is that it’s very clear they all respect me and my opinion, and it’s nice I guess to be able to talk with very young people. They’re all struggling in one way or another and they’re always coming to me individually and asking for advice and guidance. I find myself telling them, I only know a little more than them, but here’s what I know and exhort them to mature choices, grounded in responsibility for ones self and actions.
It’s a tricky thing, how to be a friend without being overwhelming; how to guide without judgement, how to be loving and without being too stern. How to dismiss some of their ideas about the world (occasionally an inappropiate idea or two pops up, and it’s certainly challenging to try to introduce high thoughts and consciousness, among a semi-bourgeois set, who have never been challenged to think much, without being dismissive of some of their more either laughable or misinformed ideas.
Anyway, I’ve been trying–as subtly as I can–to pick up some fun. I want to have some fun. I think this is why me an the youngwings are attracted to each other at the moment. I want to go out this Carnival season and dance, and wine and drink some alcohol and wine on some men and lose my sense of myself as I have been. I want to enjoy what is left of my youth. Certainly, they’re the first secular group that I’ve hung out with for years and years. It’s just much better to move with a group, that try to move with just one person, in any case. Especially to some of these fetes in Trinidad this season. I’ve never done that, limed with a group so that part at least I am looking forward to.
Besides, like my Iya told me last night, “Go out and enjoy yourself. Use your discretion, but flirt and dance and enjoy yourself! You’re young, you’re good looking… just don’t fall in love too fast. That’s your problem… take your time!”
We were talking about what Baba Sango said to me on Tuesday night; what he said about ‘that boyfriend’. She said, “Those were my words you know… I told you not to give him another thought, and this is what Baba Sango came and said to you. He’s trying to tell you not to waste no more time at all even thinking about him.”
Who is the ‘him’.. guess nah?! Of course it’s Sweet Thing! I’m almost ashamed to admit it, but they’re both right. I have thought of him, I have still been in love. I stopped pining (Praise Oludumare! Praise Osun!) but the depth of my feelings, the resonance of my emotions, that was and has been harder to put away.
So on Tuesday night when Baba Sango said, “That boyfriend you have is no good. He goes all about. He is no good at all. Take your time and pick the right one. I will help you, I am watching over you,” this was the remaining encouragement to put it and the last year of heartache behind me.
When Orisa manifests and speaks to you, it’s only the fool that does not listen. That’s the one thing people never accuse me of; being a fool.
So the love that was born on a beach almost a year ago, has died. Died an early unnatural death, but it is dead.
How I know this, is, even up to last month when I was masturbating in my shower, in the intensity of feeling, the spreading warmth and fantasises, it was Sweet Thing’s face, his voice I heard, still encouraging and pressing me, urging me on.
As recent as three, four weeks ago, this was still my condition. I would hate it afterward, in my fantasies try to wipe his face off the person exciting me, but it was his unwelcome face and personage that kept cropping up. He was part of my fantasy and sexual life for months and months and months. So as much as I hated it, it seemed he had ingrained himself onto the very surface of my sexual self. Like I said, the sex was amazing.
The most important thing to remember about fantasies though is that everyone has them. Sometimes, exploring your fantasies online can even help you to have better sex. For example, one of my friends has a thing for MILFs and since watching porn on sites such as sexmature.xxx, he has managed to dramatically improve his sex life with his mature partner.
After I met the Hottie though, for the first time in a year, it was another man who came to me in my fantasies. Now The Voice is sneaking into that secret space as well. So you see, it would appear as though I and I got mentally purged out, and am still throwing out concepts, ideas and wasted emotions.
(Mojuba Sango! Heepa Baba! Oko Oya! Awo Kabeysi! Awo Kabeysi!)
So all this is preamble to the declaration fo my eyeing up the available men as well. The Hottie and The Voice are possibilities, but I am really going to make an effort to get out of the house and put myself in the way of life. Not just because I’m looking for a man eh, but I also really just want to get out into it… I’m almost chomping on the bit. What is the point in being popular if I remain insular?
I always tell my friends, that the fun I didn’t have in my twenties when I was young, young and foolish… I want to have fully aware of it in my thirties. It’s just that this Wise Elf shit is all fine and good, but you know, I don’t want to waste what’s left of my youth. I am young and sexy, and beautiful and I am not going to get caught up like that again.
This time, I’ll take my time and give my heart to the one who deserves it.
I think my kitty can come out a play a bit though, don’t you?