Night before last, I slept up at my ile’s shrine.
My Iya and I sat and talked for hours, and to be honest, she saw right through to the heart of many of the things that are bothering me.
As much as I have my misgivings about being in the ile, and having to deal with the greater community, in truth, I love my Iya very much. I think it is that love for her that I am still in the ile. I know it would disappoint her greatly if I dropped out, so this is the fundamental reason why I am staying.
She is so good to me, and she loves me as well.
So we talked at some length about my mother, about my seemingly enduring state of loneliness, about my finances. Although it was no silver bullet, I felt better afterwards.
She suggested that I go back to my therapist. She told me that I need complete objectivity, and that I should talk to someone like that regularly, because as much as I felt I could talk to her, she knew there were things I couldn’t tell her about.
She invited me to sleep in the shrine, but I begged off. I think when I do that, I’m going to leap forward in someway… to sleep with Osun’s energy all around me… I admit it. I was afraid, and didn’t feel ready for that. I am still tingling a lot. I tingle sometime of and on for hours a day, and Iya Kambiri would tell me that it’s areas in my brain being stimulated and growing; portals, connections, new neurological pathways opening and being stimulated.
I was in conversation with Sangobumi, a sister who is working for Iya; talking to her about the tingling. She told me not to be afraid, and that one day, somebody will manifest through me. I’ve already realised the last time we went to the river, and I fell and rolled into the river; that was a manifestation or an attempt to mount me. There have been other times, when my mind went blank like that, and moments in time slipped away from me.
I just think I am getting ready, and they keep testing me to see if and when the moment is right.
I was telling Sangobumi that when I open myself up to that kind of energy, pure and undiluted, the good forces of the world, I know I open myself up to the negative forces. It is my hope that when that happens, I will have been under heavy protection from those negative forces, the aje.
I see this image in my mind, I’m wearing a blue dress of some sort, and there are women all around me fanning me and I’ve just come back from travelling somewhere. I’ve been thinking that I will ‘fall’ as they say, and Osun or even Yemoja will take me and speak through me, but there is also a part of me that doesn’t believe it will ever happen. There is a part of me that is afraid of that happening. Of being superseded, of being a vessel for the Orisa. Then there is a part of me that wants to prepare the vessel for the taking, prepare myself in some way to be mounted by my mothers.
It’s a blessing I’ve been told. When Orisa chooses you, they bless you first and the most, grateful for a vessel through which to interact with their children and adepts. I know it’s not a bad thing, and the fear isn’t a crippling fear, but it’s still a little frightening to contemplate.
Knowing myself the way I do, I see myself plunging into the heart of my fear. I always do the things I am most afraid of, even if I resist my conscious mind’s attempts at begging off from such arduous tasks. My subconscious mind insists upon the conquering of any and all fear. Resistance leads to depression and frustration.
So, the malaise is moving off it seems. I am beginning to feel better, if not good or great. Hearing from my Boobie also put me a better frame of mind. It’s amazing what a little love, called for and received can do to improve one’s mood.
Modupe, Adupe, Mojuba Osun!
Modupe Gbogbo Orisa!