So part of my malaise of the moment is boredom. Part of it is money woes, part of it is spiritual.
I am deadly tired of doing the same thing day in and day out, and having my efforts count for little in the grand scheme of things.
I am however, getting to the point where I’m not worrying anymore about money. Sure enough, true to my nature, it seems as though some money is coming through. Meaning: I never want or need money for something and money doesn’t show up. Up to and including knocking on my door. So, as I am gathering up my bits and pieces, I realise that I will get through January with a minimum of damage, and thank God February is a short month.
I am second guessing my decision to join the ile. I am feeling as though they are a little oppressive with their adherence to protocol. Is it shallow to admit that I think they expect too much from me, and emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually, I don’t see that same energy coming back? I guess I am not that selfless. At any rate, more and more I feel as though I want out. I am not know for conforming and kowtowing to clear insecurities and people’s jealousies.
My problem is not with Ifa, not with Orisa, it is with the community. I see so much pettiness and selfishness, mercenary behaviour, I find it hard to write it off and ignore it. I am very confused regarding my spiritual life right now. Part of my is struggling to divorce my relationship with Ifa and Orisa, and that of the greater community. I feel like I am missing something, some vital piece of the puzzle and my elders do not understand me; I also feel that as far as priorities go, my transition and transformation is very low on the list, and where I should be getting guidance all I get is boffed, and not in ways I think I can take. This is because I don’t conform, but at the same time, I’m wondering how I keep finding myself in these situations.
Right now, obligation is what is driving me and not faith and I think that this is bad, not the kind of life that I want to live. Except, I do not know how to get out of this, or if it’s the right thing to do.
The one thing my elders have been telling me is that once I am initiated, much of this confusion and unhappiness will evaporate. Rather, my personal power level will rise and give me a certain strength and the ability to effect more meaningful change in my life.