I would love to live in a beach house in Hawaii, or Ohahu, somewhere remote and hot with a river that runs down to meet the sea.
I could teach at the local school and buy vegetables off the side of the road, and swim in the river and the sea, and hike in the hills, and live an island life away from the Caribbean. If I had the money I would get on a plane and go to Hawaii right now. It’s not that I can’t find pristine beaches and shit like that in the Caribbean, I just like the idea of Hawaii.
I just need a break from the Caribbean. I want out, I want away. I want to live somewhere in the world, and I think the older I get, the more inclined I am to do it. I’m thinking I’m going to start saving my money, and if not Hawaii, some other suitably far away place so I can just take off and live in dead simplicity for a while. Not forever, just long enough for me to make the leap.
Fuck this getting a car, getting a house, getting x, y, z. All I need is a laptop and an iPod and I am ready to roll. I want to experience the world, maybe not live in Hawaii for years, but spend six months in Brazil, Cuba, New Zealand, Peru, Venezuela and Nigeria for the next four or five years. I feel as though if I don’t make a break from the Caribbean soon, I never will, and I desperately want some distance so I can grow in perspective. You know that talk, absence makes the heart grow fonder. I want to write more stories, bigger stories, I want to write my novel. I want to write, and it’s true what so many of the Caribbean writers say, the Caribbean is often a difficult place to find the perspective to write. I need space for certain imagintive details, for new types of creativity, new experiments in it to unfold and develop.
I consistently feel as though the people around me don’t quite speak the same language I do. Trinidad is like home, but I feel like a fish out of water and feel my ‘differentness’ very acutely. It was the same in Barbados. I don’t even want to get into it as a topic of discussion. I am going through another intense wave of wanderlust.
So… I must contemplate what I really want to do with my life. Spend my life begging for crumbs, or get off my ass and grab for my dreams with both hands?