This series of posts, are communications between a former lover and myself that happened in August of 2001.


HIM TO ME:

I comment on your reply to me and then go back to the original two emails that engendered my first reply:

First, let me say that the spiritual work that I have begun on myself since about a month ago is causing me to do and say things that I might not have done or said before I began. One such example of this is the admissions I made to you in my last email and on which you have made comment. They were not easy admissions, and I am not proud of them. You asked about my pride, my ego and my conscience in the first email, and let me tell you that my ego is too big and my pride too far gone for either of those to be influencing my writing material. My conscience is certainly doing its work, but I have been more concerned with righting wrongs I have done to you and perhaps, from the kinder side of myself, trying to point out things to you about you that you may benefit from reviewing. The violence issue was not my issue alone – as you knew – but I didn’t know you knew, so I brought it up. I don’t think that anyone should want such violence done to them, especially if you knew that it felt as if I didn’t like you. I really don’t want to do that to you or anyone again.

As for being a liberating experience, I’m not sure that I felt more liberated than angry: at myself for being who I was and at you for allowing me to be. To a certain extent, I am and should be grateful; no one else has ever let me do that to them, and thus I didn’t know that I wanted to or that I could. While I have pooh paahed sado masochist groups, clubs, and practitioners for most of my life, I can see now why some people subscribe to such things. I don’t want to be in that camp.

Yes, I am very unforgiving of myself, and I plan to continue being that way until I arrive at a self that I can be proud of; that hasn’t happened yet. As for regret, no, there is no regret.

As for your faults, or what you call faults, I’m actually more comfortable calling them “things I am uncomfortable with in you.” Lets start with your defensiveness, admittedly a valuable weapon in your arsenal given what you have gone through with your mother. When you say “you don’t know me” in response to something I have said about you, it appears an extreme statement because, while I know that I don’t know you, I have to make some guesses or judgments in order to make sense out of all the information that I gather being in relationship with you. We all do this all the time. But when I say

something like “you seem to be angry because I have stopped talking”, you say something like “don’t presume to know me. You haven’t known me long enough to say how I’m feeling.” What? Excuse me? Are you saying that I must not make any assumptions about how you are feeling or what you are thinking, at all? Am I to ask, at all times, how you are feeling or what you are thinking? That’s a bit extreme, don’t you think? And whenever you were angry at me, this is the posture you took.

Which leads me to number two: you do tend to get angry fairly often. And you angry is not a good thing at all. While I can certainly get angry, my anger doesn’t necessarily have far reaching or public consequences. Your anger is scary; mine isn’t, and I don’t like to be afraid.

As for talking like a little girl – as when you saw your “Nana”, or grandmother, at the door, boy, if you knew how that goes right through me. I spent the better part of five years with a grown woman who acted like a twelve year old most of the time. That may be my energy that brought her and kept her in my life, but I can now assure you that I want nothing to do with immature or childlike women in my life. I want a solid woman, an adult, one who acts like and behaves like a woman, not a girl.

With regard to our miscommunication, this cannot be laid at the feet of either one of us separate from the other. While I have made mention of your sensitivity and defensiveness, it is undoubtedly the fact that our communication together leaves something to be desired. That is, both of us can point to successful communications with other friends, communication that is free of the confusion that we have experienced. So there is clearly something about the two of us in communication that is somehow flawed. Such is life.

Finally, though you and I have loved sexual activity in our lives, and have loved sex together, it may be the case that you put far more weight on it as an activity than you do. I realize that you hadn’t had regular, good sex for quite a while when we met and that I had had relatively constant sex for the previous five years, but beside that, I’m not sure that I want it as much as you do. That’s not a complaint but an observation. And I really never learned to say “no”, I don’t want to have sex because in my relationships I have almost always been the initiator of sex as opposed to being the one asked to or coaxed into having it. You have, on more than one occasion, suggested we begin the act when I didn’t want to do so, and I never, or at least I don’t remember ever, saying “no”. But I should have.

These are my concerns as they occur to me; others may arise at other points in this dialogue.

I’ll look over your first email and continue below:

By the way, I have felt that you were trying to force me into something that I didn’t want to be in, but taking your latest words at face value, I’ll assume that you are not and that you never intended to do so. Of course, you words and behavior in the car at Miami Beach and on the coast road could cause one to think otherwise, but you have given reasons why you behaved the way you did. I hope you can understand my confusions in light of the confusion of your communication. And I understand why my words at Miami and

on the coast road were felt by you to be cold.

Let me say a few words about my intentions: when I wrote to you, my intention was to close the chapter on our “relationship” not necessarily assuage any part of myself. Certainly as the generous spirit that you are, you did not deserve to feel used and abused by me, and you certainly do not deserve anything but kindness from me because that is what you have shown me: kindness. So I am sorry that my email confused you. And I did not expect that you would care to reply to me, even though you say that you know I knew you would reply. I know no such thing. Isn’t it you that has been telling me that I “don’t know you?” As for making our relationship “whole again”, you

assume that it has been whole. We would have to compare our definitions of whole for that statement to be partly accurate.

You also tend to curse a great deal in print; I may be of another generation, but I find it offensive, particularly coming from such a gifted writer as you are. Perhaps this will sound chauvinist, but I am not used to having a woman curse so much, certainly not a lover and definitely not a friend. And its something I do not want to get used to. In the last years of my mothers life, she began to swear around her children and I have never forgiven her for that because it was she who would roundly scold us for even thinking about using swear words at any time. This may be a childish and simple thing to you, but it is not so to me. There are too many useful words in the English language for me to condone large scale swearing and cursing in print and orally. I make this comment as I re-read your email with its liberal use of invective. This is another way in which your life and my life has been very different. I think you told me that curses are just other words whereas to me, they are curses, bad words.

As for your vulnerability, about my taking advantage of it, about my making you become more vulnerable, you need not worry. I don’t plan to use anything you’ve said against you in any way. We did have a confusing experience. If we are to be friends – something neither of us, apparently, came to believe was possible after our most recent encounters in person and on the phone – then it must certainly be only that, with or without physicality. I am continuing my search for a partner; in fact, I recently came to admit to

myself that, like you, I don’t want to be alone, even though I thought that I wanted to “date” for a few years while reorganizing my professional life. Instead, what I think I want to do is meet a few good people and decide from among that group who I “vibe” best with, and then spend my time with her. That means knowing several people simultaneously, dating until I find some with whom I make good contact, and then making tough decisions. That is the path I now believe I want to tread.

I am glad you got out of West Terrace Gardens and are living with Chris, with whom you seem to have a special bond, but I am not happy that you didn’t get your traveling funds to go off to the US west coast. I will remain hopeful that your trip to NY in the fall takes place, and if you keep up your current pace of work, I’m not sure why you wouldn’t have the money to get there. I’ll assume your brother is still in West Terrace, that your mother came into the island and is busy making your life difficult, and that you continue to pray daily for His guidance off the island of Barbados and are regularly doing yoga to keep fit and flexible – which you know I appreciate.

More later.

k.

KSS,

I speak to the cursing first, because that’s EXACTLY what I knew you were going to say. I have–and talk about difficult admissions–been spoken to very severely about this by more than one person, in more than one circumstance, and I have had to start paying attention to what they are saying. I am not going to pretend that I am going to exorcise my vocabulary completely, but I have started to become more aware of it, and I suppose this has nothing to do with you per se, I just think my sensibilities are changing somewhat.

I also want to point out, that you had no problem using ‘bad words’ when you were fu… in the midst of the sexual act with me. I really have nothing more to say about it at this time other than I will do my utmost best to respect your feelings on the matter, and leave things at that.

You are quite right about my defensiveness. I have been experimenting with ways of controlling it, and this is among the things I have added to things I am working on regarding my own development but as you are well aware, the road is long and hard and one stumbles as often as one walks tall.

I am currently trying to find ways to tell you how I feel about some of the things you’ve said, but I find I want to choose my words and craft my response correctly. By the time you read this, this email will have been edited and re-edited and taken several days to construct but I hope I at least touch on everything I feel compelled to talk about or discuss. Please

bear with it, it’s kinda long…….

I may not know much in life, but I know some stuff. I have much to learn, but I don’t beat myself up too much anymore because my learning curve isn’t shaped like everyone else’s. I’ll be damned if I do. You say you will continue to be self-critical until you become someone you’re proud of, but I doubt you’ll find that person if you’re rubbing yourself raw in the process. Just an observation. I see no earthly reason why you tear yourself apart….

it is a reflection of your self-esteem and this alarms me! You seem painfully uncomfortable in your skin, and intolerant of other people in their own…. now you know no path to enlightenment ever came from harsh unyeilding. Submission and acceptance, even to yourself and your divine energy, honouring it, is the way of understanding friend. Tell me I lie, nah?

I wasn’t aware that my anger is terrifying. I think I read somewhere (Wild Women Don’t Wear no Blues) that men in general seem paralysed when dealing with women’s anger, so you’re not uncommon in this response. And if you perceive anything in my behaviour as scary anger, you definitely couldn’t deal with me because I can be quite a hot potato from time to time–something for which I make no apologies because sometimes people don’t respond unless I get blue vex. Luckily for everyone, my anger doesn’t rise too often and I don’t hold too many grudges and I have learned to control it very well (in my humble opinion).

Throughout my entire communications with you, you have more than seemed mired in your past. You look to be having difficulty moving past it. At this point I’m starting to get a little annoyed because throughout the last email you’re telling me about all these things you definitely don’t like about me, and while your observation about my defensiveness is accurate, much of what you say seems to have less to do with me, me… and everything to do with your interactions with women in the past.

I find myself suddenly unsure of what more to say to you. Half of me is saying sod it, you don’t even like jazz and you wash your hands whenever someone shakes yours (something that completely unnerves me because you must know that people go crazy from this–a fate I wouldn’t wish on you, to be aging and wandering around making yourself miserable trying to control your environment to an obsessive degree. Now that is scary…..)–and the other half is really sorry I didn’t wait to have sex with you like I said I would do with my next lover. It’s a shame that you’ve written me off without knowing me. The only reason I wish I had waited is because I actually like you.

Truth is, eight months before I met you, I had said to myself that I was not going to sleep with someone before I got to know them ever again. I had made some errors in judgement which, while I didn’t suffer too greatly, they were learning experiences that I saw value in. These errors in judgement along with other things (naturally) caused me to decide that I was going to take a sabbatical from sex, men and any attempt at relationships, until I found a certain level of calm, financial stability and spiritual growth, because I already knew the type of man I wanted to father children with, and I didn’t want to deal with mis-stepping and mis-takes. I wanted to spend time in someone’s company in a sexually non-pressuring environment, and do things differently to the hot headed, emotionally insecure, sexually charged way.

Then you show up and put a kink in my plans. You have taught me in many, many ways why you don’t break promises to yourself. I’ve found the experience to be enriching for those self same reasons. I suppose truly, I don’t want to deal with you dealing with your issues with women, issues with your mother, issues with your ex, issues with your professional life; I just don’t want to be an issue for you, and don’t want you to turn into an issue for me. I have my own baggage, and who needs to be saddled with someone

else’s?

Since we’re in a vein of honesty, let me tell you, in the time since I have met you and tangled with both K 1 and K 2, experienced your dichotomy in living colour, I thought for a moment that I had actually lost my mind. I thought for a moment that there was something I had done to you, something I had said that made you freak out so completely with me.

If I had known that you would react so to some pre-menstrual tears in reaction to your words, I would have started drinking damiana and chammomile from the previous week to help balance me a little more. Because there have been times when I really thought those tears ruined what could have been something beautiful, and a friendship that could only have deepened in time. I know the truth is that I was just myself, and what happened was probably just natural self defense. And while reading recently I discovered that women manufacture a chemical during sex that is the same one that allows them to bond with their children, so women and certainly I am built to take my encounters more seriously.

We had talked so much about ourselves, our ideas, our dreams all of these things, that there had been no indication (at least not to me) that you would anything other than the person you presented to me via email and during our initial physical interaction.

I thought maybe there was some way that i had misconstrued your emails, your attitudes towards sex and me from then, and that’s how we went so drastically off course…. so I actually went back a reread all of earlier communications, the back and forth, your words and mine.

And just a note I don’t remember there being any talk of their being anything more than openess and honesty between us.

DIRECT QUOTES FROM OUR EARLIER COMMUNICATIONS:

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Please read

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Quote One (Wednesday, May 9, 2001 10:21 PM):

“As for kink and being made to feel like a woman, again, we’ll just have to wait and see. I have not been accused of being inhibited by any woman I can remember, so you can take it from there. I am cautious about sexually transmitted diseases, and am fond of people who are equally cautious. That said, I have a rather modern attitude towards sex and sexuality. You wouldn’t call it parochial. If afterwards you don’t feel more like a woman,

I’ll bow and apologize deeply. Then you should smack my ass.”

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Well I am accusing you of inhibition. Deal with that.

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Quote Two (Thursday, May 10, 2001 8:43 PM):

“…agreed, which is why I am surprised that you asked me the questions that you did. I responded in a straight forward fashion, but I have not told you who I am. Indeed, knowing who I am and what I am is a riddle, one that I have answered for myself, but not one that is easily guessed at by intellectual or emotional stealth.”

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No kidding, K. You’ve proved this to be both truth and prophetic.

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Quote Three (Monday, May 14, 2001 4:24 PM):

As for what your piece may reveal about your eroticism, that’s another story. Clearly you are a sensualist, imbued with deep pools of lust and love, and probably capable of a very exacting, even fetishistic carnalilty. And this is good; craven lust can be good meal, particularly with a correct and active eating partner. Would that I should be the one. (did you see the matrix?)

and later in that same email…..

So I look forward to peeling back your beautiful legs, placing them 180 apart or pushing them way back behind your head while my tongue laps with relish at the soft, pick tissue revealed. I hope your clit is large, like a miniature penis, so that I can suck it hard and you will feel the full vibration god intended. and while I have you open like that, I may just

stick one or two or three, or god forbid, my full fist inside you, finding in your insides the place where wet majesty concocts its mysterious potions. I will be in there searching for heaven; and should I find it, I’ll bring you along with me!

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Were you K 1 or K 2 when you wrote that?

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Quote Four (Friday, May 11, 2001 5:29 PM):

This story gives you a clue to the problem: how to be free and open sexually with a woman that you love, and also want to get so down and dirty with her that the mother/whore dichotomy is banished. Rarely have I been able to have the kind of stimulating sex that I have had with more casual lovers that I have with a woman that I loved and respected. (Actually, there was one lover with whom I came damn close; she was such a beautiful person and was the most uninhibited lover I have ever been with. She wanted to be called all kinds of horrible names, she wanted her breasts squeezed hard and her tongue bitten and her body slapped and smacked. And she was just the kindest, sweetest woman. She was a brute in the bed. One had to recover from making love to her!) Anyhow, I get off track – and hard. Let me continue…

You seem to be in a similar situation, but from the feminine side. Even though we met through Nerve, and they purport to bring together intelligent hedonists, I still don’t find myself wanting to be vulgar or sexual with you either in emails or on the phone. I mean, your first question was the ultimate feminine question to the new male, putting you smack in the “traditional” category, which immediately elicits from me a traditional response. I don’t think that’s what you want, but I can tell you that this is probably the reason you are not finding the men you would most want to find. If you want un-traditionality, you must be untraditional. You are a mix of traditional and extreme, but the traditional is dominant. If you want non-traditional sexual experiences or lovers, the non-traditionalist in you

must begin to dominate.

So I am forcing myself, just this once, to be un-traditional in my approach to you, a stranger, a Bajan woman, a sexual creature, a woman who values good sex, even though you say you haven’t had much of it, which, by the way, is a little strange. I am commanding myself to bridge the mother/whore dichotomy, to respect you as a woman and to value you as a sexual creature willing to be flirtatious, audacious, outrageous. And orgasmic. I do not believe that men should allow their female lovers to leave the room unsatisfied. If that happens, they have failed. Because you have had the sexual history that you have, that may be too harsh a condemnation of your lovers. And I understand that you have taken pains to correct the damage that was done to you as a child. But I can be a patient and persistent lover; I want you to cum wildly and frequently, and I will use my mouth and my hands and my dick and my head and my body and any implement you choose to create that reality for you. I hope you are as generous.

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Okay so after rereading that and I hope your really did reread what you

wrote….

Precisely what does this mean??

Finally, though you and I have loved sexual activity in our lives, and have loved sex together, it may be the case that you put far more weight on it as an activity than you do. I realize that you hadn’t had regular, good sex for quite a while when we met and that I had had relatively constant sex for the previous five years, but beside that, I’m not sure that I want it as much as you do. That’s not a complaint but an observation. And I really never learned to say “no”, I don’t want to have sex because in my relationships I have almost always been the initiator of sex as opposed to being the one asked to or coaxed into having it. You have, on more than one occasion, suggested we begin the act when I didn’t want to do so, and I never, or at least I don’t remember ever, saying “no”. But I should have.

You have repeatedly spoken about the violence of our sex as something masochistic and dark, which I mean for polarities, I am completely on the other side, because I saw it in a transcendent way, but then I am naive when it comes to some things, so forgive me.

I’ve been held down by a man while he took from my body precisely what he wanted, then he spit on me and cursed me when he was finished. I have been molested by men who initiated me into a world where unless I evolved defensive tactics, I would probably have been raped more than once, because they made it clear I was prey.

I have been taught be experience how sex is not supposed to be. Not supposed to be me without a choice. Not supposed to be me feeling cheap or used. Not about me feeling inadequate. Not about me feeling fear in my response. Not about me feeling cheated because my lover cared not for my pleasure at all.

You–between that Wednesday night when I first meet you in May until that Sunday morning before our little sunset conversation on Miami Beach–did not make me feel any of these things. You satisfied me sexually and intellectually, and I am grateful to both experiences.

However, if you think for one minute that I am stepping backward in my attitude or acceptance of my own sexuality–an evolving creature at best–you have another thought coming. I have fought too hard to do away with all my negative ‘imprinting’ regarding my vagina, my sexuality. Fought too hard to burn new neural pathways and it is only in doing so that I have learned to connect with my body through sex, so there is no way at all I am

dampening my sexuality in any way for anyone ever again.

I also question your categorising our sexual interaction as violent; there weren’t any whips or chains (which I don’t find sexually interesting),, very little spanking. We just kindled and set each other on fire. You’re afraid of the violence of your own emotions, what came out of the sex, not the sex itself.

I may or may not have said this before, I think I saw the beginnings of this next declaration in those earlier quoted emails….

I need my lover to be there with me. I need variety of stimulation, creativity and stamina, and above all a willingness to experiment with me. If you do it, and do it right, I always want more, but I get bored if you do it the same way all the time. I am a high energy person, so to expect anything less than a high energy lover in me is fallacy.

Yes I have said, make no mistake about it, that I put a lot of weight in sexual expression in a relationship, because after being so used and abused, giving my lover my body unconditionally is a gift, and I accept nothing less from him. So forgive me if I didn’t wait for you to make all the moves, but I do recall saying I have always been independent. Add that to demanding, and yes that is part of who I am. Labels that suit me well. Right or wrong I accept this in myself. Who knew that you would have such trouble saying no. I wondered if I had said no that Wednesday night when you kissed me before I changed my lipstick to match my shoes if we would be right here in our little ‘netherworld’ or just learning about each other’s cursing, germ freaky-ness, little girl voices and sexual inhibitions.

What freaked you out more, that I made your toes curl, and made you cry and talk about children and domesticity, or that I initiated our sexual encounters as much as you did?

But this whole shebang has as much to do with the sex as it does with the other stuff that went down. Because like it or not, we have some basic compatible elements in our personalities, because like it or not, that was you making come over and over again, and the size of your penis had nothing to do with it–another of these strange conclusions you made about me that you constantly harped upon, that I do not understand. How can you tell me that you can’t satisfy me? Are you afraid to try? You should know that more

than one man has tried, some have satisfied me, some have done it well over short periods of time, but when it comes to attempts at satisfying me over the long term, all have failed. I happen to know I enjoy sex and lots of it.

You may or may not like what I am about to say but I have made several observations that i think it can only benefit us both if I share.

Based on our earlier communications, you came here and did exactly as you said you would, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. It felt good to lose control that way. It was for me, release…. rough and bordering on violent, but absolutely bone melting release.

That Monday, the day I passed out from the intensity of what was happening inside me, right through to that Tuesday night. We were for real. It felt like we were just there in the moment with each other and I was feeling you, and you were feeling me. But by that Wednesday morning, after you and I had what I personally thought was the most, the most stirring of our sexual encounters (because my body was electrified like I have never experienced before) you begun to pull away, and retreat in just about every way that

counted.

I remember what happened, (and well I actually wrote it down in my journal, which I now type in verbatim from that period in time) for the benefit of this discourse:

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“After he came back to reality, he began to talk. And boy did he talk. He started telling me he was having difficulty with our “whatever u want to call it” <--my words

He talked about children and family life, and told me quite a few stories about his life. Mostly I just listened. I wasn’t sure what he was talking about, so i just listened.

He decided to go and stay at Paula’s house.

Now even though, I was not sure what was going on with him, I didn’t say a word. In fact, it hadn’t even occurred to me to protest. Why was this? I guess I just didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable and I myself was (and still am) greatly overwhelmed by him, so I just knew not to make a fuss. I was a little relieved as I had been thinking myself of putting some distance between us, thinking it might allow us some perspective. So when he asked me

to call him a cab, I did and when it came he left.

I did feel a little hurt when he left, because I was unsure of what had happened, and still reeling from it as well, but not like I had done something wrong.

A half an hour later he called. Actually the first thing he said was: Why didn’t you ask me to stay?

So I told him the truth “Because I didn’t want you to be uncomfortable. Not with me.”

“You did the right thing. You did a good thing.” he said.

He told me that he didn’t want to think of me here thinking that he didn’t want me, or that I had done something to him. He said to me: You surprised me that’s all. You are so beautiful and sexy and feminine, that you surprised me.

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I keep thinking that you must not like the way you lost control of yourself; that somehow it so terrified you that this is why you now give me this talk about the sex being more important to me, and add this to your list of reasons why now basic level relations as a man and woman attracted to each other mentally and physically between us are now doomed….

Then you again reiterate that your path is leading you to pursue dating several partners before ‘making tough decisions’…. I have tried to respond to this, and every time I try to I end up writing something that I delete for being either too inflammatory to your already delicate constitution or too nonchalant and flippant and therefore uncaring, and I would rather not say something cruel or unkind, because that’s just not me.

It seems very clear to me in recent dealings with you, that you have made your decision about me already. That’s okay. I think I understand, even if I don’t necessarily like this sudden shift in attitude. It’s not the first time I have had a man pull away from me for the same reason. At this point, despite the fact that I have feelings for you, I simply do not have enough emotionally invested in what has passed between us for me react with anything more than “well, whatever makes you happy, friend” in response to your declaration about your romantic route.

If we agree to see each other again, and things develop where we begin to see each other regularly, I would prefer not to have to worry about who else you’re sleeping with. Those types of situations tend to lead to more trouble than I think I can handle, because I know how women behave over men, and I am not one of those women. I would much prefer to let him go and do whatever he feels is better for him than me. I don’t deal with men that have wives or girlfriends or numerous lovers. I had had to deal with women who abuse me verbally over a man, and that is just not right, and not worth it, and it always boils down to this because men are unnecessarily careless when engaging in this behaviour and wires get crossed and tangled and…. no, I pass.

I plan to make a deal with my man, my permanent lover, my husband: Tell me if you want to leave, just don’t cheat on me. I’ve been betrayed this way before and I would rather not engage in anything remotely looking like more than one woman sharing the same man.

In fact I copied some quotes from my own responses to you, that speak to my state of mind then as they do now about sex, relationships and lovers.

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AND quotes from me:

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Quote One (Thursday, May 10, 2001 1:43 AM):

as for sexual liberation…. i have embarked on a search for book learning for at least three years. my bookshelf is ample evidence of this… however much of what i see on these pages requires a willing partner committed to the exploration–and i have mentioned the shallowness of the local Y-chromosone pool…. haven’t i?

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Quote Two (Friday, May 11, 2001 12:49 PM):

i’ll continue to wait because ultimately, i want to feel secure enough with a man, that i can be myself sexually. I can live without the quasi-prude attitude that i have been getting, followed shortly thereafter by their emotional withdrawal. i see that sexual connection and intimacy as empowering even though i haven’t experienced it yet. that takes a special

kind of man… and a special kind of woman.

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Quote Three (Monday, May 14, 2001 6:09 PM)

you let me worry about what’s appropriate for me. if i like it, i’ll tell you. if i don’t i’ll tell you too.

i don’t need you to be anything other than KSS. we can play pretend, dress up, play any game you want, but when it boils down to just you and me, let it BE just YOU and ME.

keep it real, and you’ll make both of us happy.

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And last but not least:

As for talking like a little girl – as when you saw your “Nana”, or grandmother, at the door, boy, if you knew how that goes right through me. I spent the better part of five years with a grown woman who acted like a twelve year old most of the time. That may be my energy that brought her and kept her in my life, but I can now assure you that I want nothing to do with immature or childlike women in my life. I want a solid woman, an adult, one who acts like and behaves like a woman, not a girl.

You seem to be measuring me against a yardstick that I never agreed to stand against. You tell me in one breath that your mother’s beginning to curse pissed you off because she had been so strict with you regarding it in the past, and that this is one of the reasons you find my own cursing offensive.

Then you say you don’t like me talking like a little girl because it reminds you of Jeaneatte (sp?) and that this is an indication of immaturity to you. Are you suggesting that I possess no maturity? That I am not a solid woman, or an adult who ‘behaves and acts like a woman?” I am trying not to be defensive, but you’re going to have to explain that one to me. You know from the time I have been five years old, people have been telling me I’m five going on forty five. I have a built in child like aspect to my nature, and it’s embedded, so you definitely cannot handle me it is clear…. I love, love, love Winnie the Pooh, and am known to squeal in joy and do a little Tiggerish bouncing when it comes to leather shoes and handbags, perfume, makeup and other girly girl toys. So you have to clarify for me what you know of grown women; clarify these characteristics for me. From what you’ve

told me, I don’t fit either of your descriptions of a childish or solid woman and I am inclined to think your information is erroneous and at best unreliable when dealing with me.

Before this, you had issues with me singing all the time because it reminded you of your ex as well, in fact you seem to indicate that we have other similarities. Well there’s nothing I can do about that, I yam what I yam.

My, my, I wish your behaviour didn’t smack of that witnessed and experienced by more than one man in my own experience including my own with my father (who is a stone cold Gemini might I add). I wish that you didn’t remind me of mistakes I have made with men before. I wish that you had remained in pristine uniqueness for me, because after that Sunday when you left at the end of May, you slipped back into commonality with a quickness I still find breathtaking. I wish that you didn’t possess the same unwillingness to see me for me, and not what I represent. I wish that you would stop manufacturing reasons for your distaste for our relationship, based on relationships in your past, and not on what happened on the real between you and me, and more than anything else, I wish that life had a fucking rewind button, because you know I wish I could play some stuff back in slo mo, because things happen so fast sometimes I often feel like they barely happened, except for me with you, every time I bent over or moved in a particular way for weeks and weeks, I was reminded of just how deep inside me you got.

But then, so much for fantasies. Never more than with you have I been at the mercy of a man’s issues with women. Certainly you admitted your own issue with your anger towards women and your mother. There is nothing I could say or do to change the place you have assigned me and the way in which you have spread our experience with each other upon your mosaic in relation to either of these relationships (your mother and your ex). Life is what you make it. Relationships are what you make them. I think I deserve brownie points for not blaming you for the long list of shitty experiences I had had with other men. Please do me the same courtesy. I don’t see this as an unreasonable request.

And before I tie this long, long, long long-time-in-writing email, I wanted to tell you that I do agree that we are probably not suited to each other. I find I have struggled hard to define myself outside of what other people thought of me, and that my defensiveness is one of the last things to go. I am sensitive, perhaps too much so.

This is why, rather than compete for your long term affections with whoever you decide to add to your roster of available partners, I will assign you in my own mosaic to one more reason why never break your own constitution. I knew very much what I wanted from a relationship before I met you, and that exactly what is happening now, was just not (and this time I am sorry there is no other word for it in the English language) fuckery is precisely what I didn’t want to deal with anymore.

Feel free to make any assumptions you like about my state of mind, my feelings and desires–make any judgements you like about me.

me

Not Lite Reading (The Epilogue)

First I wrote this, two days ago:

Having just read your response to my last email – I should call it a tome or a treatise, for it is brilliantly methodical and eerily incisive, breathtaking, even! – I’m not sure how to respond. You end with a set of statements that seem to call for no response at all from me, that suggest that I go merrily on my way into the proverbial sunset. Yes, a sunset sounds

nice, though I prefer dawn.

I am not going to refute your arguments; I don’t see the benefit to either of us. That you agree we are incompatible as a romantic couple is really enough, a verdict to which I, too, had arrived. So it merely remains for me let you know that I read your entire email, even the upsetting, unsettling parts, and will think about how to insure that I don’t make the same mistakes again in any relationship with a woman, much as you are trying to reinforce your belief that you should not break your own constitution regarding men.

May our highest promises to ourselves remain paramount; may our divinity be recognized and acknowledged by each of us in our own ways, forever.

k.

ps – For what its worth, I hope you find your way back into academia, for your ability to think a thought through clearly, from my humble perspective, is quite impressive. The academy would do well to have a mind such as yours in its midst.

Then I waited to see if I should send it.

And I waited….And I waited.

And now it is today, and I’m still thinking about it. The fact that we are both putting so much care into our responses to each other suggests that we don’t just want to casually dismiss the other from our lives, even though there has been much unpleasantness. You obviously went to a great deal of trouble to write that last email, and while I can easily say that it has been easier to read other emails than to read your last one, such is life. It’s a give and take world, and clearly, you believe its now my turn to take.

There were two thoughts I had about your response to me that I wanted to bring to your attention, though at this point, I am beginning to feel a little silly about our telling each other who we believe the other has been. I think we get the point. If I am stuck in the loop of my last relationship, and constantly refer to her and her ways when speaking about you, then it must also be said that you often refer to me as “everyman” rather than as K. Both of these truths are simple enough to understand. In a relative world, our former experiences provide the backdrop against which the present and future are drawn. How else do we make sense of the world but by comparing it to what we have known? For you to dismiss the experiences you have had with all other men and take me for me, and for me to dismiss my experiences with J—— (note spelling) and take you for you alone would be

somewhat irrational. So you slip naturally into the pantheon of women with whom I have been intimate in the same way I slip naturally into that male pantheon you so tirelessly condemn.

And my final point is this: you argue that Kelvin I and II, or their dual existences, confuse and upset you. Indeed, there should only be one K. As I see it, this view fails to accept the fact that I encountered you first as words, as a picture, as a voice and as a set of ideas BEFORE meeting you; then I engaged in activities with you, found myself in the midst of new feelings about you, experienced new words, new actions and your responses to

me, and then, reacted to all of that. Meaning: my responses to what I encountered need not have matched my responses to you before we met. We are fickle creates, we humans, and are changeable and different and also weird. Though it may seem unreasonable to you, I certainly have the right to respond to new feelings, though you might argue that I never had the right to be as upsetting as I was. Perhaps you are right.

So, this leaves us with almost fully divulged analyses of each other, with intense correspondences having been exchanged, and with at least the impasse of distance hindering direct contact. I wonder what will happen next?

kss.

FROM ME:

Well I don’t know, but so far you’ve kept me guessing….. might I dare to

ask a question…. or rather first a favour and then the question.

THE FAVOUR:

Please answering the next question as honestly as you can.

THE QUESTION:

What would you like to happen next?

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sungoddess

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