10.56am, Still not crying motherfucker!

Okay, so I slept on all this drama going on in here with the Terrible Two, and I woke up this morning feeling the same.

I remember reading somewhere, that hate is not the opposite of love, it’s ambivalence.

Because if you’re ambivalent, it means you really don’t give a shit one way or the other.

I’m deep into ambivalence.

Friend:

One who knows all about you

and loves you just the same.

     – Elbert Hubbard

I have so much love in my life. So many friends and people who adore me and I them. I feel blessed, and realise that I don’t need any more friends, but am happy to find the true ones and love them completely.

I am quite happy to say good-bye to the Terrible Two, if it really means they’re going to leave me quite alone, we’ll see. Their immaturity, from the beginning to the end of this whole drama, has shown itself to have no depth, so hence my reservations. Forgive me, I cannot help but call a spade a spade.

It would be marvellous though…. to never have to see, hear, talk to or interact in any way with them. I am looking forward to that so much it’s not funny. Really not funny.

All this makes me miss Keffi. Really, really miss her. She is my yardstick for all friendship now, and I know that might be wrong for that, but until you tangle with false friends and skinning teet, you never really know the value of the friends that love you.

She’s one of the few people in my life who believed in me… believed in my strength, my intellect, my love and my abilities to transcend. She encouraged me… almost all of the last conversations I had with her in the six months before she died, contemplated the spiritual nature of life, and the moving of souls. So, since I know she’d been through this kind of shit herself, all I can do, is do what she did: Take the higher ground, no matter what it costs.

I really feel nothing other than ambivalence. Not even fear! I am so proud of myself, I have to tell you. Considering the tears I’ve cried, the anguish I have endured over this, this kind of detachment is marvellous to experience.

To not care what they have to say, to not care whether they come or go, this is a marvellous achievement in growth and self actualisation.

It’s great to be free from the fear.

Fear is the mindkiller; It is the little death that brings about total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will let it pass through me and over me. Where the fear has gone, there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

Frank Herbert —

Dune Series

More than one person has told me that I am very serious, very brittle in places, and my mother has been telling me I am a determined bitch since I was about four.  A seer told me once that I was very hard on people sometimes, and I responded ‘Only when they deserve it.’

In this case, despite their attacks, I don’t think I can say anything more than I have. I’ve purged myself of my anger, my sense of frustration, my heart break, my sense of loyalty to them, my sense of wanting to protect them. All that has been swept away. Like I said, they’ve both done their worse and I remain unscathed, because I have fresh fire all around me. I am a blessed and protected child. It’s true what they say that something can only hurt you if you let it.

They sought to weaken me, hurt me, damage me and vilify me. Instead, all their actions have done is to empower me. I feel stronger today in this moment that I felt since March 29th.

Emotionally, mentally, spiritually, although I am not completely divorced from this situation, I feel nothing. Just ambivalence!!! I don’t know if that means that I am now like Luke Skywalker, who has just had Darth Vader cut off his hand, and is coming back now in Return of The Jedi with more power than he had before and perfectly calm while wielding it.

Okay, some of you may not understand the reference, so in simple terms, all this was a test.

I passed.

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thegoddessroom

The Vault

sungoddess

mermaid, dayo's mama, water priestess, writer, web developer, omo yemoja, dos aguas, obsessive reader, sci-fi fan, trini-bajan, combermerian, second life, music, music, music!