Victims Looking For Imaginary Crimes

Here we are, two months later, and somehow I have been construed as the bad guy in this  stupid love triangle between myself, Sweet Thing and mizzthongs; at least to hear her tell it, I am evil. Since I am now being maligned by this chit, I might as well address it.

Read her blog why don’t you, she seems quite happy holding on to whatever lies she feels will give her comfort, and that includes making me into the bad guy. Read my comments to “See Me and Don’t See Me Bitch”.

I refuse to comment in her blog the way she did in mine, because I think it’s in poor taste, but since this is my blog, I can say that I am not impressed with this ‘I am a victim’ game our girl is playin, which alternates with, ‘I’m-a’fight-you’ bitch, which I mean c’mon, over a man. A lying, cheating man? Hmm…. Inner bitch says: I don’t think so.

She is offended because I called her a coward, immature and stupid. She proclaims her professed nonchalance on the first entry she has made in her blog in almost two months, but for someone who has ‘gotten over me’ she sure is kicking up a whole lot of fuss. It’s enough to get her blogging again. Don’t know if it’s a blessing or a curse, I just don’t want any part of this ever again.

But I think those things, it’s my blog and I think she’s done cowardly, immature and stupid things consistently. Did I call her names? Read the blog entry, read my comments. Is that technically calling someone names? If you write something in your own journal, isn’t it just your thoughts on something and not carved in stone?  

She says I slept with him and I knew he loved her, while pretending to be her friend. That this is the basis for my evil. Except, he never said that to me. He only ever said they were friends, never that he was in love with her. I had to deduce that from her blog entries, not from anything he said to me at all. Ever. I never wanted to say anything to her about it, because up until the bitter end, I knew in saying that to her, it would ultimately hurt him and as bad as he hurt me, I just didn’t have it in me to hurt him. Not even through her.

So who is the bad guy? It’s interesting how she holds me responsible for something Sweet Thing did. I wonder if she held him responsible or just caved in to all that ‘I love you’ and pleading? She strikes me as the type.I don’t find it hard to believe that he would deflect attention away from his shit in order to regain favour. He strikes me as that type.

Do I sit here in my room and behave like some man’s victim? No I do not, because I don’t need to use emotional blackmail to get what I want or to get people ‘in my corner’.

Me personally, I left the victim syndrome back in my past, after I was raped. I don’t believe in victims.

I believe in karma. All this is karma, pure and simple. I accept it as that, and I have gone on living my life. What was a drama between he and I, seems to have turned into a drama between me and her and it’s quite distasteful. I seek no fight with her, never did and never will. I don’t take this situation that seriously anymore, and I certainly don’t take either one of them seriously for that matter.

She tells me, quite openly, in her blog entry that I was never a challenge, and that I have lost the battle.  That may be, but Big Mami ain’t going to war over a punk, stopped far short of that, and believe me, I could have gone that route. I may lose battles, but I have never lost a war and when I do go to war, that motherfucker had better prove he’s worth it. And well, Sweet Thing just ain’t worth all this talk with the little girl that loves him.

How seriously should I take someone who can’t even bother to spell out the English language and communicates purely in the colloquial and with no intellectual crafting whatsoever? All her commentary is grounded in pure emotional response rather than maturity and rationale. How seriously can I take someone who doesn’t even have the guts to stand up to their mother about ‘the love of her life’? How seriously can I take someone who claims to love someone and then wilfully misleads her about his dirt, in fact uses her own dirt against her? Does that sound like love? How seriously can I take someone who somehow manages to evade his own personal responsibility, and lacked the balls to apologise. See, that kind of bullshit jess ain’t for me. Might work for her, but eh… I’m a little more demanding. My standards are a little higher. He was never for me and I can admit that now, because rationale has replaced pure emotional response.

In retrospect, I think they must satisfy deep psychological yearnings in one another. Only two people so deeply in denial about their behaviour and the consequences of the same could be so intently happy with their own mistruths and forgiving of misdeeds. I mean, the horning and begging back, having to forgive, forgive, all that shit would have my red flags zinging up and down that pole and I would have already packed my bags and be hoofing it down the dusty road. But that’s just me, and this is only about me in the most ancillary way. I’m that type.

Is there anyway I can convince this particular drama to die a natural death? Am I really interested in volleying dialogue back and forth over the head of someone (Sweet Thing) that I just finished scraping off my shoe like so much shit I stepped in? Inner bitch says: I don’t think so. She says she wants to let it go, but she keeps coming into my journal and spewing her anger. She seems bent on confrontation. Read what she said!

She is inviting me to ask her questions about what happened, and I am like, ‘What the fuck? Me ain’t studying so, oui!’ They could be mortal enemies now, or cosy and cooing, I don’t give a fuck, because well, it just doesn’t involve me at all.

All I did, was not lie in a direct confrontation. That is all I can accept responsibility for in this, and all the rest is chaff.

The only reason I brought up the whole incident last Friday in the bank with the punk, was because less than 24 hours later I get this PM with her words about me, from my good friend who wanted to know what the fuck was going on.

I mean, even after all this bullshit, I still kept my door open to mizzthongs at Tribe. She said some things that although they didn’t quite hurt, bothered me a little during our first little scrape back in September, if only because I couldn’t believe she felt I construed this situation myself, when in fact only inertia and cowardice on the part of Sweet Thing created it. I didn’t ban her or Sweet Thing out of Tribe, because I just didn’t think our personal shit had any place in the greater community. But I don’t think that PM-ing that Triber, a former lover and good friend, was a cool thing. So I banned them both, because I had had enough of their bullshit, both of them. It’s my nickle that pays for Tribe, so as far as I am concerned I have the right to pull the plug if I want.

There’s only so much ‘I’ve been wronged’ a body can take before your ability to take that shit breaks down your ability to sympathise. And I mean they both seem very fond of that excuse.

Since I can actively choose not to have them participate in a community that I host, support with my shit job and my intellectual impetus, I chose to divorce myself from the shit. Except, she won’t let me; see, I’m sure she needs me to validate her anger in some way. Needs me to fight her, and well, whatever…. I pass. Me ain’t have no benchmark, no yardstick and don’t do validation for free, and I’m not going to respond in kind because, what purpose does it ultimately serve? I will speak about how I feel, but that commenting in her journal… nah…. I don’t want anything more to do with her, him or their collective shit.

Like I said, my tears over Sweet Thing dried up some time ago. She came back and commented saying, I was the one who got choked up when I saw him in the bank…. my, my, did I say with tears? More like anger, that’s why his ass is banned! My sympathy for mizzthongs has also evaporated, because well, she has her man, right? What point is she trying to prove with all this adolescent posturing? That she has him? That her mouth has a hair trigger and she indulges in emotional masturbation? That she can fight me? That she has bigger balls than me? Okay, she wins! I don’t care enough to compete on this piddling  level that does nothing to advance me in any way.

I’m just here, doing my thing and keeping to myself, and the only way she can find validation is to come into my blog and threaten me, accuse me and in general behave in the immature way I have come to expect from her. Pick a fight with someone who has no fight for her.

The sad thing is, she’s probably forgiven Sweet Thing and run right back into the situation with him. She seems the type… I’d be very surprised if someone told me different. Maybe, all this is because she still perceives me as a threat, but then, she hasn’t really read the blog as she claims to have done and thus proven my evilness. Since, I ceased to be that almost from the beginning. But, she asserts, her anger is well placed. But, there’s no reasoning with irrationality. Since I have suffered from my own bouts of that in this awful travesty that has been my interaction with Sweet Thing, I think I can forgive her that.

I think she is free to think whatever she wants to about me (encouraged by his own fast talking to cover his ass no doubt) and to believe all the sweet, sweet lies her err, ‘Bear’ has to tell her. I think too, if she is a private person, she should blog her heart out, keep her man, do whatever she wants, just keep it to herself and leave me to myself.

Notice, I say this IN MY BLOG and not in a comment on her journal. This is for all intents and purposes, keeping it to myself. If she doesn’t want to read, she shouldn’t read. If she don’t give a fuck about me, she shouldn’t come and read about my life, and some how feel justified and inclined to comment since my life really doesn’t concern her any more. Similarly, what’s going on in hers doesn’t involve or interest me anymore. If she’s over me and ‘it’ she shouldn’t come and read. It’s called self control, mature choice.

Another interesting note: While I have continued to write about my life and other things, the only thing she felt was worth of a blog entry was a comment I made about her direct behaviour and a direct encounter with him. Obviously, this means more to her than me, and I can understand that. It’s just interesting to note.

Lawd, all this for a liar… seems quite out of sorts.

So now that they enemy has returned to the battlefield, it must be a bit of a shock to realise they find it empty…. even hard core warriors know when it’s time to quit.

So QUIT already.

There is no need to become inflamed when shit touches a nerve, I certainly didn’t have to hear about the pussy licking, outings, love talk and all that shit, but I didn’t hold her to ransom over it. THAT IS MATURITY! THAT IS SELF CONTROL!

But you know what me and all Bajans say, hard ears you won’t hear, by and by you will feel.

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thegoddessroom

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sungoddess

mermaid, dayo's mama, water priestess, writer, web developer, omo yemoja, dos aguas, obsessive reader, sci-fi fan, trini-bajan, combermerian, second life, music, music, music!