But…

After some time to think about it, I think that I was not as wrong as I was made out to be.

I wanted to know something and I asked questions.

What did someone say, there are no inappropriate questions only inappropriate answers? And you know me, I don’t think it’s ever the situation you’re in, only the way you handle it.

This whole thing started, not with me but with other people in some other situation that isn’t and wasn’t being handled properly, because people get very caught up in their ego; in ‘face’ and in agendas.

Me now, seeking knowledge as to how to deal with my own shit in an honourable fashion, have been swept up into something that I don’t recognise as being what I was told all this is about.

If I spoke out of turn, then telling me in a way that did not involve the emotional distress of a relationship between two people that didn’t start with me, and didn’t involve me, was the best way to handle that situation.

A simple, “When we go out into the greater community, we do not speak before our Iya speaks.” or “Protocol does not allow for non-initiates to speak unless invited to.” would go a lot further than the haranguing I received tonight.

Long ago, my biological mother stopped shouting at me to get me to do things. She discovered, simple declarative statements went a lot further than harsh criticism.

What came over more than anything else, last night, is all the ways that community does not mean commune to too many people.

To commune is to seek kinship and one-ship with one another. Not to rake someone over because they made a mistake, and that is what was done to me.

My whole life I would seek that kinship, but I would join a group or community, and find myself disgusted by the in group politics and back-stabbing. I understand that the group I am a part of is trying to be strong, but attacking me for what I consider to be a minor infraction is not the solution.

For me, the topic of discussion: TRUTH, HONESTY AND BEAUTY, provided an opportunity to reinforce the commitment I made during my Hand of Ifa ceremony. When I asked my questions, I asked them seeking knowledge as to how to apply a very real and honourable principle in my life.

How can that be held to ransom, because two people find it difficult to communicate and respect one another? Two people that do not include me or my input?

The other thing is, I don’t know if I can be the part of something that doesn’t allow me my voice when I need it the most. To ask for knowledge, part of my prayers for a long time, and to have people I respect tell me I do not have the right to ask for it, based on political manoeuvring, is not what I think I can be a part of. I am not interested in that, I am only interested in finding the truth of things.

How do I handle this situation? How do I speak my truth without alienating people I love? These were my questions tonight!!!! And the answers were: You have to be honest and truthful with yourself and allow your Ori to guide you. You don’t invite confrontation, but you must speak the truth and be honest about how you feel.

Tonight, my Iyas would not even allow me to explain myself without invalidating my comments. Deep in my heart of hearts, I do not think I did anything wrong. Even during the haranguing, I did not react in anger. I started to cry, and I was boofed for crying.

I know myself, I am not a bad person. I don’t lash out at people unless I am pushed too far. As I have grown spiritually, I have found the point I lash out, further and further and further away from the surface of my skin. I always to chose to back away and let my emotions die down before I act.

I can accept that I broke protocol, but I don’t believe their reaction had to do with protocol at all. I most certainly did not ask the question about how to be truthful when it hurts other people, to offend my Iya.

Yet, when I made a mistake, I was met with intolerance and unfair accusations.

I am now thrust even further into confusion, and am still struggling with what to do.

I do not know how I can continue to be a part of a group that reacts the way they did last night about what I considered to be a minor infraction. What does that have to do with spirituality, and becoming divine? I do not know if I have the wherewithal to continue to empower a group that would deal with me the way they did.

Moments before, we were praying and asking Osun to embody us with the spirit of sisterhood, yet when we were faced with a problem, a scapegoat (me) was elected and whipped. Sisterhood went out the window, and insecurities took over.  I don’t know if I can do this….. this is not what I thought I was getting myself into.

None of it: not my job, not my friendships with some of the people I have met since I’ve been in Trinidad; not this ile business, none of it.

I feel very alone. Very isolated.

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sungoddess

mermaid, dayo's mama, water priestess, writer, web developer, omo yemoja, dos aguas, obsessive reader, sci-fi fan, trini-bajan, combermerian, second life, music, music, music!