Tonight I was invited to attend what I thought was a feast, but what turned into a harsh lesson in protocol and politics within communities.
I spoke about situations that effect me, out of turn, in a place where the good people around me were put in a less than accomplished light. This was never my intention. The topic being discussed, truth and being honest when dealing with others and one’s self, was something I felt directly addressed situations in my life with at least two or three people.
When we were leaving, my Iya and one of my ‘Big Mothers’ took me to task and boffed me very hard because of it.
i was very upset, because being inexperienced, being young in the community, I was not aware of the minutiae of the relationships between these people, nor of the many protocols involved, I made a grave mistake for which I am deeply regretful.
That said, I felt in every way that it was a mistake made out of inexperience, not of malice or stupidity.
Part of the reason why I spend most of time alone is because I am usually the one that finds myself in these situations. I am so eagerly seeking knowledge, or seeking to connect with people or with a particular situation, that I operate on that principle rather than just allow the knowledge to come to me. I don’t wait, I don’t wait on anything, or rather, I don’t like to wait for anything.
Right now, I am just mortified that I offended two women I deeply respect, and am so embarrassed that I don’t know what to do with myself. I make so many mistakes. Some of them I see and make with my eyes open, others like tonight, were one’s I wasn’t even aware of, but by no means is it easy to accept.
I feel very foolish.
At the same time I feel very disappointed that people have create all these rules for what is acceptable based on ‘face’, that it is very difficult at this very moment to know what to do. I think that they, my ‘mothers’ took my inexperience and misinterpreted my intentions, because they were hurt and angry with me. What can I do to make restitution?
I am also disgusted with myself, because I put myself in this situation.
My mother is always telling me that my mouth is always putting me in trouble. More than anything I am ashamed at having offended my mothers, including Osun, because they are all Osun women and She moves in all of them.
I am more embarrassed for having made the mistake, but am trying not to be angry with myself too much, because in my heart I know it was an honest mistake and one based on protocol not on malice or wickedness.
But…… it’s hard.
I am already struggling with my own anger with myself for many lapses in judgement and choices I have made that ultimately wasted my energy recently, this was certainly not the kind of fuck up I needed to make at this point in time.