Deciding what to put into this blog is not easy.
Too many people connected with my real life know too many of the details about my life for me to be circumspect enough to disguise who and of what I speak.
So what is happening is that I’m blogging about the less private or professional aspects of my life and keeping things ‘safe’ in here, and trying to work up the courage to speak to myself on a personal level and to my children in my off-line journal.
I said I wasn’t going to self-censure…. but I can name names and call a spade a spade there in a way I just can’t in this forum. Being totally real about some of the shit I see, ends up being used as ammunition against me in fights I am not aware I am fighting, games I am trying not to play and forces me to confront, let’s just say a whole lot of false evidence appearing real as fuck!
I wish I really was committed to being a bitch and knew how to be manipulative, secretive and ‘don’t-give-a-fuck-ish’. I don’t know if women like that I admire or if I find them distasteful. That is definitely something I am torn on. It’s not like I don’t know how to invoke ‘The Bitch’ when people do their shit, it’s just not a sustained state with me. I’m not one of those people that get bitchy and stay that way. I think as a woman you need how to use that energy sometimes, but with me it’s hard to pre-meditate. It’s something I use spontaneously and when I am forced up against a wall. I think it’s part of my survival instinct.
I also have to repeat that I don’t have the luxury of self-deception, and like I said, karma is a strange motivating force in my life. I see it dancing in streaks and rainbows and letting go of my moorings and lashings, letting the winds of change and karma to buffet me and sweep me away is the only way I know how not to hurt myself against that to which I am clinging. Losing everything isn’t scary, I’ve lost everything and gained everything so many times now I am used to it.
It’s amazing to me how letting go does that, but it’s like natural law, at least in my life.
I pray for the health and lifting of psychic barriers that manifest in bad health for all the people I love. I ask Mama Osun to send sweetness and good energy to surround and protect me.
I am going to see my Iya today. She is a a beautiful, sometimes stern, sweet little old lady. My mummy likes her a lot too, and she mummy says she reminds her of our Aunt Leets, one of my great aunts that became an Ancestor a few years ago.
I am probably going to stop smoking cigarettes soon. They really are unpleasant…. but numbing…. right now I feel the need to anaestheticise… just long enough for me to figure out how to get over the mountain that suddenly seems to have sprung up beyond the trees I’ve been walking through…. I need to rest and contemplate and I think I’ll pitch a tent right here while I bloody do it. Besides, I need to weave some strong rope… can’t climb a mountain without rope.
In many of the situations in my life, have required me to consistently choose the higher ground. Lordy, boy I’ll climb that mountain, I will… I’m just lingering long enough to plot a vector up that big bitch.
:sigh: I want to get Sunhead really shaking, moving, growing again…. we need a growth spurt…. I need more money and a better computer and I need help.
I feel the need to commune with Osun again…
If it wasn’t for Her, my creativity wouldn’t be blooming, my spirit wouldn’t feel strong and I wouldn’t be developing a first case class of determination.