I am in a place where I am being taught fundamental lessons about patience and self-actualisation. I have also decided that I am going back to working for my company, Sunhead Publishing full time. I am so tired of working for people who don’t truly give a fuck about my life and who ultimately are paying me an insufficient salary–I guess it’s a fair deal, because they are by no means getting the best of me, just the best I have to offer in this situation.
Besides, I miss programming more than I thought possible, and as tangible as print publishing is, the limitations are very real.
Besides, I miss working for myself. I miss determining my life, and dealing with clients once or twice a month, instead of having a BOSS grind my shoulders and nose against a whetting stone.
Besides, my current employer is not equipped to provide job satisfaction for an employee like me, multi-faceted and with a built in multi-tasking mode. I have been bored and dissatisfied from day one, and well, both Mama Osun and I think I will do better doing what I love.
No, no, I am going to work on the Rebel Union….. I am going to get my own thing happening so I can say I lived up to my potential.
Now Mama Osun told me this unexpectedly in a divination this week. So, I am listening to my Great Mother, and my heart.
So from today I am plotting an escape vector. There is a major project pending, and as long as it comes in in the next two or three months, then I am going to resign my shit job that requires far too much pride swallowing for me, and go back to where my heart is, in HTML, PHP, mySQL and SUNHEAD!
My mummy didn’t get here yesterday because of the blackout in New York, but she is coming in this afternoon. Blech…. ya should have seen your girl yesterday…. in my best yellow dress and head wrapped in yellow satin and chiffon…. chile, compliments left and right. It was nice…. you don’t know what people finding you beautiful does to a child who was an ugly duckling. I mean it, I never get used to it. That I think is a good thing.
My brother’s girlfriend’s eldest daughter, has declared that she wants to come and spend some time at my house. I am touched, because she and her little sister are beautiful children and their spirits are beautiful. I enjoy their company because they are so alive and so great to be around…. so I am hoping that they WILL come and spend some time up here today.
I got an e-mail from UT yesterday, and he tried to cheer me up about the anniversary of Keffi’s passing and about AG’s current struggle with melanoma.
He also demanded new blog posts….. he told me he thinks I’ve matured a lot more since I moved back to Trinidad and he thinks my blogging helps him to understand me in ways that he never did before. He told me he thinks I’m doing a good thing, doing good things, so he has exhorted me to keep it up. When your ‘Dad’ tells you that, you can’t do anything but do your best.
Add that to bluey and Laura, sliding in comments here and there about my sudden and definite quietness, I am making an effort once more to keep this journal. I suppose we all go through periods where keeping a journal is a difficult process. I use it as catharsis, as a way to get to know myself, to map my interiors. As I told Laura, I’m not a ‘snack-food’ blogger.
Anyway, on to the doodles: Ollie and Vey (Keffi’s daughters) are doing well, and no doubt getting HUGE! Ollie is going to be six in October. I am working on finding my way up to Barbados for her birthday, because I have missed very few of their birthdays since they have been born, and I am going to try to miss very few.
I don’t want to become the kind of god mother I had when I was a child, not there, not a presence, not around. I sense deeply that the time will come when they are going to need and rely on me. When the time comes, I want to be there and have them feel comfortable enough that the can need me and rely on me without any fear.
I am a proud Nen Nen too, I have their pictures up on the surface of my work-space and crow their praises to anyone who will listen.
These are my SISTER’s children and the children of the only real father I have ever had. Remember what I said before, family are the people who you love and love you, not your relatives.
Except, the time has come for me to enter a new phase of my life.
Make the time to read my post “The River and The Sea”, because that was a powerful and phenomenal experience.
I have been tingling all week…..
I am and have been grappling with my sense of time, patience and the infinite lessons I have learnt and the lessons I am still learning and relearning. I am working on not expecting, but balancing my desires with my reality, my hopes and my dreams, my night and day, my love and my hate.
I am also working to accept the polarities and not obsess about what I do not control. I am also realising that any kind of love, for you mother and father, your kin and your kith as they say, the love you have for your husband, your children, involves some kind of sacrifice.
Sometimes the sacrifice is small, sometimes the sacrifice is large, but this is a part of love…. to make it sacred, to sanction it, in involves making choices that allow for the greatest growth, and that includes sacrifice along with the deeper emotions, the deeper connections.
So I am moving forward. I am allowing the Divine to enter and continue to inform my decisions and accepting only my fair share of the responsibility. I am only responsible for myself and my own behaviour, and it’s my responsibility to remain open and willing to enter these deeper connections with the people I love.
I have also decided to join the Ilé Orisa Osun. I am preparing to commit to a life as an Osun devotee and I am planning to go to Nigeria next year to be properly initiated to Her.
I have reached this point, where I don’t care anymore what anyone else thinks about me or my life. I only know what’s right for me, what’s rightfully mine, what is the weight of my own value and what I am willing to do and unwilling to do.
I need to make choices I think will grow me into a powerful being.
I am always going to make a choice for love. I am always going to love without condition and regardless of circumstances, but I make that commitment to myself as well.
That’s what personal power is about at least, that’s what it’s about for me.