A few days ago, my Baba asked me if I was sure that what I wanted, was what I wanted.
He said to me that if I made the right kind of sacrifice, I could have what I wanted, which was what I have been telling myself I wanted for quite some time now.
Baba said though that I better be sure that that was what I wanted, because it was a very simple to do it, but very hard to undo.
For the first time, I couldn’t easily answer the question. I wasn’t sure that what I wanted was the same as the road revealed that I have been preparing to walk. I wasn’t sure I wanted to continue to wait for things to develop into some semblance of something real.
More to the point, I wasn’t sure I wanted what I thought I wanted at any cost. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be a party to coercion or manipulate the situation so I could get what I wanted.
A little minor squirmish with an ancillary character in this minor stage production, has lead me to the point of really questioning some of the choices that I have made, decisions about what to say and what not to say, how to say the things I said and the forums I chose to say them in.
I felt humbled by the experience and to be honest, refreshed in a way because I have to admit that my own feelings have been paramount and I had become so bold and determined. So many lessons to learn, and I am meant to learn some things the hard way.
I continue to be a creature of motion in a desert of still standers, being patient and accommodating wit people at work, with Sweet Thing, with friends. The things is, that kind of energy hasn’t really been coming back at me.
I’ve been telling everyone I’m okay, I can handle life and things and you don’t owe me anything or are accountable for anything. True there are people in my life who seem to have absolved themselves any personal responsibility and shunted much of the load onto me, but I foolishly kept asking for it to be piled on.
The arid landscapes on this part of my road, the hands free swinging of some of my companions and passers by, while I smile and I struggle under the weight of responsibilities that are not mine; this all looks a lot different than the lush hints at flowing water, the lightness and creativity I thought I was getting myself into.
I am a naive girl…. always have been. I take people at face value and I am usually a very good judge of character; but occasionally, I tend to err on the side of faith in people’s human goodness. Unfortunately, I have been proven wrong quite as often as I am proven right.
I’m beginning to feel as though I have been used by people. Conveniently used to get what they wanted, then cast aside when I have no more use. I’m starting to realise that I have taken on other people’s burdens when I damn well shouldn’t have.
So I question myself about the things I really want. Do I really want to escape my frustrating job, or did I choose this to learn real lessons about how to manage people and situations? Do I really want Sweet Thing and his passive aggressive tendencies, cowardice and problems with emotional responsibility?
Maybe, maybe not. I am trying to think through what is the best thing for me and just bloody not worrying about other people and their shit. I think I am just going to have to put down some of this weight, leave it right here and try a few other fascinating, truly lush paths that are breaking away on my left and my right.
I am questioning all these things I think I wanted–I don’t know that personal responsibility doesn’t include responsibility to the self and the well being and growth of self. In fact, that is exactly what personal responsibility is.
The day before the River, I went and got a rose quartz crystal and I placed in behind my front door and invited fresh, open love and romance into my life.
I also placed a bloodstone on my mother Osun’s shrine, which happens to be what is considered the lake area of my house in feng shui and asked for sensuality, creative and sexual love to come into my life.
I put lapiz lazuli and amethyst in the centre of my home and asked for the pathway to greater wisdom and insight into my life, and invited a change in my perspective to take hold.
I want to tell you that all the things revealed to me will happen, but I think I’m starting to understand that divination isn’t a guarantee of anything, merely a guide, a help to see possibilities, to help avoid pitfalls and to embrace that in your life which is destined and meant for you. So I continue to ask myself what I want, a some of the answers are coming:
1) I want fresh, open, creative, sexual, male/female, communicative love to come into my life and stay.
2) I want to take control at work. delegate authority, weed out trouble makers and rest easier at night. I want to produce work that I can be proud of, a product that I bind and display as another example of the professional quality of my work.
I’ve reached the point I was before. It’s strange, not quite the same point, let’s just say the arc of the circle has grown wider and I am passing a point in the movement where I look across the coil and see who I was at the point before; the point that looks so much like where I am now, except it’s a little further down the road. The two points are surrounded by similar landscapes and I can see the mistakes of my past, the mistakes of my own, the lack of understanding of the way some of the signs laid themselves out, but I can also see my growth, recognise myself and adjust myself sufficiently to at least begin to move again.
I forgive myself my errors, because in my heart I know I was trying to do the right thing but the way to hell is paved with good intentions.
I must be sincere. I must be honest. I must be truthful.
I am not sure what happens next, I don’t know how the rest of this story unfolds, but I am shrugging off the unnecessary weight and I am facing it lighter, with more control and to focus my attention.
I’lll be damned if I continue to say I’m alright with things when I am not. Some people may not like that I call them on their irresponsibility and selfishness, but if I have to deal with my own shit, I think they’re going to have to deal with theirs on their own time and not on my nickle.