I regret that I held back, held back under the guise of showing all and giving all without doing either. I concealed my own fears and vulnerabilities, but also exposed other seemingly painful areas almost as if distracting him from the places I least wanted him to look. He didn't seem to really want to look there anyway, he didn't want to
He thinks he doesn't deserve me and I don't think I deserve him. I guess it's as simple as that. Funny how that should convince me more than anything that we should be together.
I'm still hopeful that with enough maturity and wisdom, he and I can find a way to overcome our own internal fears. I know what to look for in myself, he is still mostly wild, unexplored country for me. He is far more knowing of my life's details than I am of his. This is an imbalance that I feel acutely.
In my last set of instructions from Mama regarding this whole matter was not to let go and to tell him everything. Tell him all what I have divined and experienced that I draw on now to come to the conclusions that I have.
So can he handle it?
That's a good question.
One I guess nothing but a test of fire can prove.
I have continued to examine this thing, and even with the things I have divined, the things I have been told by other diviners, the things that I have personally experienced, feel and continue to feel, I do not have any expectations.
I find I am in a place where my existence remains in what I do in each moment, sometimes I ponder the things in the future, but I remain grounded in what I do right now.
I think to handle this situation, I need to be tactful, sensitive and know when it's time to walk away.
One of my god mothers, Big Mama K, says Osun sends her men all the time, but she is very picky, very choosy. I understand what she means. With all the men that are currently expressing interest in marrying me....either joking or seriously, I am very picky, very choosy. I tend to choose non-casual sex, although a lot of that is being proffered as well. She told me she tends to leave those complicated men and their problems alone. She says, "I need to know when I have had enough." She says Osun is always booffing her because she skins up her nose at the men she sends. Me, I may be choosy about who I let close to me, Sweet Thing, is a different sort of case . We haven't even started yet, we are all still in preamble.
I choose the men who need me the most, and I KNOW when i have had enough, and listen babies, Big Mami ain't had enough! In any case, he, needs me. He doesn't want to admit that, maybe not to me, but inside him, he knows it... so he is fighting his own paralysis. I may have thought I didn't need him, but that ended up being nothing more than my own fear and denial. Mama Osun has been showing me in subtle and real ways who I am, what I am capable of and how to traverse the dangerous corners of my interior; She's been showing me the roads, the pathways and calling me to something real purposeful and defined. So who do I believe, in myself and my Mama's wisdom revealed, or do I believe his silence and his fear (false evidence)?
The last time we spoke I asked him to prioritise a conversation with me. He always seems to be on his way in from somewhere or on his way somewhere. I told him we needed to talk, even if it was only for closure. I was paralysed before, but what is love if it doesn't ask you to risk all, reveal all, give all, be all and take it all and to give it up if you are required to.
So whether he can handle this or not seems almost secondary to the task. He doesn't have to trust himself, he doesn't have to know how to perfectly handle this situation, I know what I have to do. All I can do is be honest, be real, be willing and whether he accepts it, takes it, uses it to find the strength to change his life, then that is his choice. Once I have done the right things, done the best, offered my best, then I will have to release it all, place all those things in a some kind of mental-psychic bubble and release it all for the Universe to handle the way it's supposed to be handled.
I believe the Universe bends, bends itself around the image of it we create with our moments, our dreams, our choices and our actions. We are free to choose, but we make our lives moment to moment and the Universe chooses us.... every moment, every second and in all the ways we don't even understand.
The last time we spoke, he asked me if what I had to say was bad. I told him no, it was just deep, very deep.
I have bitched and whined about how Sweet Thing kind of pulled away from me emotionally and in other ways as well. While I acknowledge what my own feelings are, actually haven’t taken responsibility for my own part in how we got to this point.
I mean that in the sense of, me not really opening up enough and knowing inside myself that a part of me was holding back with him, keeping part of myself to myself.
I kind of regret this and at times not at all. I regret it only because I really do want to let the walls down, to settle into a kind of familiarity and intimacy with him. I want to know his complicated world and be strong for him when he needs strength and help him do the things he needs to do. I want those things for myself and I want to see him have those things for himself.