My father must feel good.
Today, all his children are at home.
I know he really must enjoy that….
It feels good to me too…. it’s nice to know that all the men in my immediate family are around me. It’s strange… I grew up mostly surrounded by women.
I wonder how they feel–they all know I am moving out on Sunday. All of them seem to understand, but I know they are going to miss me. All of them, and I will miss them.
I think also, Sweet Thing doesn’t seem to be gone in my life. You know, I think I am having trouble letting go because it’s not over. It’s easy to rationalise your feelings away, I know I have talked myself out of feelings for men before. I have also been numbed by relationships with guys, and broken free as well. I know what is real in relationships and what’s not.
I think something real happened between he and I. I think because he cannot find his way to me yet, doesn’t mean he won’t.
I also think that I still have to get out there and shake my ass, enjoy my youth and my beauty while I have them, they will pass soon enough. I’ll never be the kind of woman I want to be pining for him. Even though I acknowledge that I miss him terribly, I am not going to be paralysed by it. In fact, I haven’t actually been paralysed by this relationship. This relationship has actually unlocked deep creative impulses.
I have written more in the last three months, than I have in the last two years. In fact, after the night he took me to Yemoja’s doorway, I wrote in my journal for the first time in eight or nine months. Our lovemaking put me in touch with my voice, and I re-established this relationship with myself. My voice, my ability to focus and articulate my emotions, was unlocked….. that is the ‘Power of the P’, to borrow from keifel.
Something about what happened between us, made me want to be independent more than ever, to strive towards spiritual actualisations, to reach for internal strength.
A few days ago, I posted that I didn’t see the lessons yet, but I was just in a moment of fear. F-alse, E-vidence, A-ppearing, R-eal. Remember?
Something in what happened between us felt so right, it was scary and wonderful all at the same time….. the way we (fuck it), ‘connected’. Whatever it was, it was meant to happen the way it did. I am fine with that, because I was shown what the path was before it happened. I see the road in front of me and am reminded of the really serious lessons I learnt from our experience, and believe me, that’s all I can really hold on to. He in the end, opened me up and left me alone to deal with all this, so it’s about introspection, not about figuring out how we work together. He never let it even get to that point.
Whatever, I am grateful to him for opening my creative centre. I think it’s in my G Spot… which is where he touched me inside, and that’s what radiates when I think about him, when I am up writhing in my bed at night. Whatever happened, and is happening, I am glad for that. It is a comfort, a salvation, an outlet for the turbulence of my emotions, a place for my rationality to take form and guide me to some kind of solid ground.
That doesn’t mean though, that he and I won’t get an opportunity to figure it out together. Maybe it won’t happen in this lifetime, maybe it will. Maybe it’ll happen sooner that I think, or longer than I think. But you build karma with every experience, and there is no one new to you under the sun.
See, I don’t know him the way I thought I did, but I understand him and why he’s doing some of these things. I see him with a clarity that I haven’t had since Boobie, and shit the other similarities are a little freaky too. I wonder if it’s because they’re both Cancerians? They move the same way in my heart, and that is frightening but reassuring in a strange, karmic kind of way too.
Did I mention before that in astrology, an Arian/Cancerian match up is one of the most karmically, soul-testing type of relationships; a 4/10 vibratory connection. It takes serious maturity and responsibility to navigate these relationships…. my brother is a Cancerian. Boobie is a Cancerian. Sweet Thing is a Cancerian. Is there any wonder the love runs deep in all of them, and the difficulties in each situation a manifest and real. All three I love unconditionally and without reserve. All three spurn, use, manipulate, love, support, care, abandon, leave and cling to me. All three zag when they should zig, and zig when they should zag. All three of them live in worlds where their fear informs so many of their decisions.
All three are scared of me. They do not understand my fearlessness, but they respect it. You see, weird.
I have a story to tell you about reincarnation. In fact, I have two stories to tell, but one is more pertinent to this post, another to my ‘Coffee Fridays’ post.
However, I have to go to work. I must also warn you all that I will be out of radio contact for about three days, starting tomorrow. I am going into two days of spiritual work to prepare for the starting of my new life as a self sufficient individual. I go to massage my third eye, and burn new neural pathways.
I will try to post on Saturday, but cannot promise.
In any event, by Monday I should be back online….. blessings, babies.
Blessings and Good Things.