Rocking My Independence Boat!

Well… went down and got me a fridge today. I good sized Whirlpool Fridge, exactly what I wanted…. not too big, not too small.

I am going to get my washer and dryer on Saturday.

Right now, I am a little steamed. I have a thousand dollar phone bill to pay because I know my brother calls his girlfriend’s cell phone, his friends cells, other peoples cells and does his business on my phone and talks for indiscriminate amounts of time. She won’t speak to me but I have to pay for him to talk to her, you see what I mean?

If I choose to bring this up with him, I can hear one of two responses. He isn’t working, and when he does work, his money has to go in this and this and this, and he can’t give me ALL his money. Or, he’ll be nasty and accuse me of selfishness and of haranguing him.

So instead, I just went outside where he has easy access to the telephone and pulled it out of the wall. Cut it at the access point to the house.

Do I really need to bring it up now?

Is it selfish to resent having to pay almost $400 in local phone call when I hardly dial anyone on my telephone?

I am however, going to find a way to manage. I have some extra money coming my way, and I will find a way to get it done, after that, I will be in complete control of my phone. I will be completely responsible for how my money is spent, and I won’t be strengthening anyone to curse my ass out at will and I will be able to control my resources better.

I’m missing my young man. I really just can’t help myself. I’m worried about him.

I wish I was the kind of bitchy woman that could dump someone and just not give a fuck, but like I said before, once I love you…… after all, I paid for my brother’s ticket to go see Matrix Reloaded yesterday.

I think although I think I acted in my own best interests, I still don’t have it in me to hate anyone or to be unforgiving. I think if he brought the real shit, I would be compelled to pay attention; I would be compelled to forgive him if he apolgised. What would happen after that though?

I’m not invalidating my earlier statements about how he treated me, and I still really wish I didn’t feel this way, that I could just feel nothing. That’s my problem, I feel too much and there is no way for me to turn that off. There is no off switch!!!

The thing is I don’t think he is ever going to apologise or anything like that and I don’t expect him to. So right now I am trying to move on without shutting down my emotional responses, how to remain open instead of retreating and licking my wounds. Which I think I have had enough of.

Lord… I feel good about my fridge!!!

I am building a house hold. Yummy!

I am going to have a dinner party for my friends as soon as I am settled. I want to feed my friends and I want nice presents.

I didn’t get to have a birthday this year, and for me moving out on my own is being reborn in a way. So this will be my birthday instead.  A celebration of me being reborn as a truly independent woman. A way to say thank you for being my friends and supporting me.

I feel good about myself right now. I feel good.

Lonely, but not alone.

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The Vault


mermaid, dayo's mama, water priestess, writer, web developer, omo yemoja, dos aguas, obsessive reader, sci-fi fan, trini-bajan, combermerian, second life, music, music, music!