I think I am going to be circumspect.
How do I speak my mind in such a way as to disguise my meaning to the clueless, but make pointed statements to those in the loop?
The young man is being caught in an emotional lie. I let him off the hook, so now he feels free to play and romp with his little ‘limbo-friend’ and not tell her anything about me or what happened between he and I, under the coconut trees, near to Yemoja’s doorway.
I let him go because it was clear he wasn’t going to let go, but he wasn’t actively keeping me either. I wonder what would have happened if I continued to wait on him to uhhhhh….. ‘decide’ what was happening with regards to uhhh…… ‘us’.
As it is right now, the only reason I am okay with this is because I am working on letting go. It still makes me mad though that he could be so cruel. You see how you can know someone for years and years and not really ever know what they’re capable of?
I think he thinks I don’t know that he hasn’t spoken the truth, to her or to me.
He thinks he knows.
He has no idea.
I told him once, a long while ago, “You know, one day, you’re going to want me; and it won’t be as easy the next time.”
He said, “Ohhhhh kaaaaayyyyy?!!” in his puzzled way, as if he didn’t know what the fuck I was talking about.
You see that, that pisses me off.
Karma — karma is a bitch sometimes.
You do things and you think you are acting out of free will, but will makes free with you and suddenly you’re right back where you started trying to figure out what you did wrong.
Allyuh know me, babies I speaka da truth.
In these situations, unless you do the right thing and speak the truth, you cause so much more damage than good, and where in that can you find a ‘nice guy’? Nah, that’s true bad boy behaviour and hmmmmmm, that shit will come back to haunt. It’ll also be a lot worse than it went out, believe it.
I am very angry with him now….. apart from the cowardice, I don’t respect liars… even liars by omission. I also hate hypocrisy. Silly me, I thought he had integrity; that he valued emotional honesty above all else.
Disclosure, trust, how easy nine years is to waste. How easy it is to turn your back on people…. he intimated to me that it wasn’t easy; that it wasn’t easily done…. he says it isn’t a rejection. How do I believe him when he can’t speak the truth about small things?
I know I have said harsh things about his behaviour, things I know he would invariably tell me, “Ouch!” in response to. I think if you make your own bed, you should lie it.
The longer he goes without coming and being truthful and forthcoming with me about this situation, even if it means we will never be together or never be friends again, is the worse this will get.
See, his ‘limbo-friend’ is a friend of mine. She is a part of my life. So how hard is it for me to pretend that her little reports and side comments don’t go through me like a knife; that I don’t grit my teeth for all manner of reasons.
Now you see, here is were I keep chanting, “Let go, let go, let go.” in my head.
Except, I am so tired of being fuc3king noble. I am tired of letting go because it’s the best thing for him and them and me. I keep letting go and letting go and letting go, but my love never comes back like that. This is a continuing disappointment, especially in this case, when I really, really deserved better.
I get some much more platonic, friendship-type love from people, that man/woman connection that sustains and satisfies, that runs off with other women; women they can control, women that satisfy some need for dependency or women who simply aren’t me. They all seem to think I don’t need them.
Why is it that they think I don’t need love or that they can’t give it to me?
I am so angry with him. How can he be such a coward? I mean, I never saw this coming. This is why it mystifies me so.