Although I have recently been given a large and important project at work, I find I am unsatisfied. Blech, where’s the fun in somewhat anal people breathing down my neck?
I am lonely…. not alone, just lonely. In many ways I feel isolated, adrift. Not really connected to anyone.
The job I am performing is intellectually dissatisfying in a very real way, but a real challenge to my organisational skills, my ability to adapt and be willing to manage people and information. I am also finding myself to be very, very tired. I know this is nothing more than a mental manifestation of my inner frustrations, but all I want to do is sleep… but can’t.
I turned down a job yesterday. A job writing code for an airline company, but a greatly reduced pay check and far less security (considering the travel industry these days, baby). I had to, because as much as I dislike what I am doing, I am being adequately compensated to get by and save.
I have also recently been offered a potential position, at another company. We’ll see, I’m waiting for things to develop. So for me, at this point, I know that I am employable, and I am by no means under any impression that I am going to have to stick around and take bullshit and stress forever. It’s just, I’m feel like I’ve been going sideways, not forward…. I miss working for myself and I miss working on my own projects. I think right now I’d couldn’t be satisfied unless I was doing exactly what I wanted to do for someone else and making a little more money… or I would absolutely want to work for my own well funded company; that’s my dream.
The product I am working for my current employers on looks good and is a somewhat interesting read, but I consider it to be fluff at best. I want to write and produce shit that deals with politics, and spirituality and nationalism and art and shit that fucking matters.
Anyhoo, still yearning for some loving. I wish I good just luck the fuck out and have like two years of extremely good sex with some one. Why is it that I am continually made to wait for that. It’s so hard when you’re as sexual as I am. I am completely confused. I know I can go without, I mean… I have. I just don’t want to.
I have so much celibacy, denial, abandonment, fear tactics and motherfucking fuckwittage, that :sigh: I am, I admit it, becoming jaded. A tragedy for an optimistic realist. :deepsigh:
Don’t get me wrong, I am not a purely idealistic person in love, sex and all that stuff in between; I am actually a realist. It’s just that, every time I open myself up, I get the fuckwittage. It’s never like after a year or two, it’s always right at the fucking beginning of everything! What is that about.
I also notice it’s never me pulling these running away games.
What is it with me and cowards? What is it about the power of my pussy, that freaks these guys out? It’s just alarming…
Where is my brave lion?
Well, right now the cowards plague my dreams, and it’s them that ache my heart and make me wet and miserable at night. I hate that.
Anyway, fuckeeeet! (As my brother loves to say.)
I am living my life. I may not like everything about it…. but say wah! At work, I am learning how to be meticulous. I am learning to take criticism, and use it to make me better. I am learning how not to take bullshit from a fucking soul, and I am getting better. Working harder. Feeling more purposed. That’s growth at least. This is all just growing pains.
As for the love thing… :sigh:
As for the sex thing…. is it still National Masturbation Month? Still better with someone there to watch, but dammit, it’s reliable.