Where were we? Metaphors…..
I find it interesting to note that Sweet Thing and I met almost ten years ago, just when Boobie was beginning to exit my life.
I find it ironic that when I felt I was my fattest, my most unattractive, my most unpleasant, that he thought I was beautiful and wanted me the way I was.
I find it strange that he knows me and the way I think so well. He knows so much about what has happened to me; he has listened to me spill my guts for years…. I’ve forgotten a great many of the things I have told him over the course of our friendship.
I find it ironic that he has been a part of my most near and dear project from the very beginning. Has always sought it out and found a way to contribute. That means something.
I am consistently amazes at the depth of his knowledge of me goes.
I am amazed at the sexual intensity of our relationship. I can’t lie.
I think it’s different for him. He wanted to fuck me from the very beginning and he’s confessed to have a vivid fantasy life that kind of featured me and us you know, ‘doing the nasty’. 😀
Anyhoo… I find it interesting we are both writers, both in complex family situations.
I find it weird to contemplate how much we intersect.
Too many people read this blog… I can’t detail any more of the intersections, but let’s say there’s a small group of people involved here in what can only be described as a somewhat incestuous little circle of friends and acquaintances. Frightening how well we know each other. A little too well….
Bear with me … I don’t want to seem like I am obsessing, but I am amazed that Sweet Thing and our friendship has been such a submerged thing. For both of us… he with his feelings, his real feelings about me hidden and concealed; me not really seeing the relationship as what it was, didn’t see him, didn’t know him.
Mostly I am amazed that within a matter of days of me going and praying, dancing, praising, honouring the Goddess of Change, to come into my life and bring positivity, growth and and end to stagnation, Sweet Thing and I went from long time friends to lovers and my relationship with RBB(Bim) came to an end.
I am amazed that what I cast and asked about, how much the manifested energy is following the path laid out.
I am also remembering the time Mummy (biological) and I consulted the I-Ching aand I asked about my husband.
The response, if I remember correctly, was that there was going to be 1) a development in stages 2) an accumulation and hording of wealth 3) development over time. When I cast myself and asked these questions, I got a very similar response; Ifa reiterated the same thing.
I feel guided by my ori in this thing. You know me, I analyse things endlessly and so does he. I am sure he has been looking at this thing from all angles, probing and examining his feelings…. trying to decide if this is all worth it, much the same way I am.
Say what, we may have a sexual, intellectual connection, but we’re building a deeper emotional connection or not depending on the way you look at it. We’re still trying too figure each other out.
I want to stay remote, at least while he remains unsure, I really do. But the more we talk and interact, the more I am swept away.
Throughout our early morning conversation, he kept mentioning his hard dick and that he was thinking about me. Whenever our talk turned to sex I could feel the electricity shimmering through our conversation.
He told me one of his fantasies about me:
He had come to visit me in my old house in Woodbrook. We’re talking about all kinds of things as we always do. He says I sit at the table, typing away on my computer getting into my writing, which he says has always moved him for some reason.
He says I sit in my chair, fairly oblivious to him as we settle into a silence. He crawls under the table and lays there quietly and he starts kissing and touching me feet, slowly moving up my legs until he reaches the tops of my thighs.
He says by this time my legs have opened and he has access to where he wants to go. He slips his tongue into me and I arch my back while he licks and sucks my clit and my whole pussy until I come.
I think it’s cool that now he’s told me his fantasy, it’s like becoming part of this imaginary landscape what I have where he is concerned. He’s way ahead of me. He’s been fantasising about me for years, I’ve been riotously fantasising about about him for three and a half weeks.
So after he told me his, I had to tell him one of mine.
It’s one where I am either restrained or asked to keep my hands behind my back. He asks me to sit in his lap, and he teases my nipples… talks to me. He tells me what he is going to do me. I told him sometimes I like the idea of playing a game, a teacher/student game. He asks me to repeat my lessons and they are usually something totally unrelated to him stroking and playing with my nipples, Sometimes it’s spelling words or repeating phrases. If I do it properly, I get a reward. I get to sit on his cock or he puts his fingers in my pussy. I don’t control the pace, he does… he makes me wait; wait and wait to come. The longer he makes me wait, is the better it is when I actually do come.
He though my fantasy was cool.
I asked him if he was going to tie me up, and he said, “Eventually. If you’re good.”
I haven’t spoken to him much until today…. just a short while ago.
You know I can tell he feels for me and wants to try to be with me, he’s just scared we’re going to lose our friendship.
I guess that’s understandable. The only thing I can promise him is to remain his friend no matter what. Will that be enough? I told him I understood that he needed to feel secure.
Something is changing….. he called me back!! Three times today…. see how it’s the small things that can make you happy?
The things he’s been saying to me sound less morbid or maybe it is that I’m trying to talk him out of rushing down to the end of something that hasn’t even really started properly yet.
He listens to what I say and he says I have a good point, so I can only hope I am getting through…. he seems less angst-ridden the last few times we talked. He sounds more hopeful than before, more accepting and or more open, less confused.
I see it as a good thing, I see what has and is happening between us as a good thing. I think he’s feeling like things are possible between us and this makes me feel good.
I guess it’s a good thing that we slowed down. We should take it slowly before we get so deep that there’s no retreat from where we go.
I understand his fear but I’ve been telling him again today that fear is an anacronym: F-alse E-vidence A-ppearing R-eal. I told him he ought to look past the fear and try to see the reality of the truth not the F-E-A-R
So we’ll see….
Bit by bit I will bite off the head of the rat. I remember how Osun seduced Ogun out of the forest; rubbing honey into lips and tongue. This is how she brought him back to do his duty to his community.
I think about Osun a lot… try to draw strength and conviction and guides for my behaviour. She is the spirit of love, of sexuality, of beauty, of the river, the ever moving, flowing river….
Mama certainly took me from Barbados and brought me to Trinidad for a reason.
She brought me here, gave me the stability of employment and I guess when I was ready, showed me the way.
At least it is through the spiritual energy I am creating and participating in that has showed me the way to this possibility with Sweet Thing. So you know I have to trust this cosmic energy. Trust the Universe.
My reality is one of love. This is in my heart; so at some point now or later, the Universe will bend to accommodate my reality. I know it down to my marrow.
If Sweet Thing is for me, then he is for me. What is not for me, is not for me.
Deep inside I feel like Sweet Thing is for me. I think we deserve each other; and I think we’d make a good team if we really decide to give it a proper go. I think he’s beautiful and we both want to be happy. We both deserve to be happy.
I think we stand a good chance all things considering. The Universe alone can bring his heart to mine and guide us.
I am open to all my lessons, all my teachers. I am a reed in the wind, a stone in the river.
The last time we spoke he was going to find a baby sitter and come to see me. He says it might not be until late. I just want to draw him in to me, hold him and kiss him.
It’s not even about us having sex anymore. I just want him here with me, even if it IS only for a little while. He’ll have to rush off and I’ll have to go to work and I’m supposed to be in Barbados for Vey’s birthday this weekend, so we probably won’t see each other for a while.
So even though I will be disappointed if he can’t make it here tonight, I’ll be alright. You know me, an optimistic realist.
I still hope we can have some time together and be real with each other. Maybe those moments, so few but so intense, will be enough to build something worth saving, worth fighting for.
I’ve battled down my own disappointment before. I’ve tried to settle for less than everything, for whatever crumbs I could get.
I think I can get everything I want for myself. I think it’s a part of my destiny in life to achieve all things I dream.
Maybe it’ll happen soon, maybe it’ll happen later. But deep inside, I can feel it happening already.